Tag: punxsutawney phil

The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

The American people have a long history of taking people to task. If the public puts its trust in you and you fail, willingly or not, or you harm the country in some way you should have to answer to the people. It’s one of the things that makes this country so great.

For example, after years of stagnation and polarization, the American people had had enough of Congress’ inability to get anything done. That’s why last fall, true patriots went to the polls and re-elected nearly everyone who ran. The only way you were voted out was if someone more uncompromising was running. And so, we got a very public retreat from an assault weapons ban. Progress!

In this tradition, we need to hold accountable those who injure us in the most grievous ways. The people are coming for you, prognosticators! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Recall Punxsutawney Phil and his cronies

Groundhog? Don’t mind if we do

Al Roker sharted in his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.
Al Roker pooped his pants at the prospect of a meteorologist receiving the death penalty for erroneous weather forecasting.

After failing to see his shadow this February, Punxsutawney Phil may soon see his life flash before his eyes. Mike Gmoser, the prosecutor in southwestern Ohio’s Butler County, filed an indictment against the fake weather psychic, alleging that “Phil did purposely, and with prior calculation and design, cause the people to believe that spring would come early.”

And does Ohio take fraud seriously? You bet your hamster. The penalty for misrepresenting spring is a felony, punishable by death.

Really, it’s about time. When the rodent correctly predicted the end of winter, he should have been tried for witchcraft. And now that his power’s gone, he is at the mercy of the U.S.’s 10th worst state. See? This is why you don’t make deals with the devil.

Ah, the first bird of spring!

You can tell it’s spring in most of the country, we seem to be in the midst of a rash of stories about the War on Animals. Truthfully, it still sucks like winter for most of us on the East Coast, but hopefully that is only serving to kill off Punxsutawney Phil and his compatriots.

A truck driver nobly tried to kill an eagle with his vehicle this week, but the enemy was hardier than he imagined. Matthew Roberto Gonzalez of Florida was driving in Nevada when he spotted the target. The eagle crashed through the windshield of the truck and survived more or less unscathed. It then proceeded to criticize Gonzalez’s driving and choice of music.

Nice try, Gonzalez, next time hit ’em with your grill.