‘Cherish’ isn’t the word we would use

The National Football League has agreed to continue their long-standing policy of helping Puppy Bowl draw more viewers. That announcement was part of an NFL press release in which they confirmed that Madonna will perform a Cirque du Soleil Super Bowl halftime show.

In past years, the NFL has attempted to send viewers fleeing to images of puppies slobbering over a tiny football by booking

▪  A born-again Prince who doesn’t sing about sex anymore
▪  Paul McCartney, post-Beatles
▪  U2, who refuse to feed Bono to starving Africans
▪  Janet Jackson’s metal nipple doily

If this doesn’t work, the NFL plans to run YouTube videos of people vomiting accompanied by the dulcet tones of a stadium full of vuvuzelas in 2013.

Be swell, harpoon a whale!

We’ve mentioned the fifth columnists that would betray the War on Animals in this blog before.  However, they have now taken over the media.

Animal Planet will run a new series called Whale Wars, which follows the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society, a group of animal lovers that hinder the Japanese warriors who put whales to good use: powering lamps and curing erectile dysfunction.

We’re shocked at this staunch betrayal by Animal Planet.  In the past, they’ve entertained us by forcing puppies to play in each others’ filth (Puppy Bowl) and with comedies like Animal Police.  The latter shows police catching people who don’t know how to kill their pets and just let them starve.

It’s obvious there is a liberal bias in the media, but we must remain vigilant in the War on Animals.  Those traitors activists will thank us when they can leave Antarctica.