Tag: python

Florida hires team to murder iguanas

If you have the urge to go out and kill some invasive species, Florida, as always, should be your destination.

The state, which is home to the annual python bounty hunt, is sending researchers to seek out iguanas and kill them by bashing their heads in. According to reports, iguanas have taken over much of South Florida, including many local governments. In an effort to fight back, state tax dollars are paying some scientists to go on an iguana murder spree.

Still think public funding for science is a waste?

Snakes in a Parcel

With Halloween here, the holiday season has officially begun. Soon enough, packages will arrive at your door, and they can only be filled with presents and steaks of the month, right?

That’s what postal workers in South Africa thought as they opened a mail bag. But, then a white python slithered out. Four snakes in all were found inside the bag from a single parcel. Say what you will about the animal menace, but at least they know how to save on postage by shipping themselves in bulk.

Enjoy checking your mail today, and Happy Halloween!

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Rooting out snake suicide bombers

We’ve been fighting this War on Animals for so long that we can’t even remember if we’ve warned you about snake suicide bombers. We’ll err on the side of caution and say we told you so, anyway.

The Florida Everglades are so overgrown that pythons have turned it into their own veritable pit. Partly because of irresponsible species traitors who drop them off shortly after bringing them to the U.S. — and partly due to an exotic snake warehouse destroyed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992 — the enemy has dug into the wild, untamed region where even our armed forces can barely reach them.

And now, they’re planning to bomb us. Otherwise, why would officials fighting the good fight enlist bomb-sniffing dogs to find them?

IM IN YOUR TOILET, KILLING ALL YOUR POOPS

Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.

Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.

It’s safe to say two things:

  1. It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
  2. While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.

Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.

You now have permission to freak out.