Snakes in the mail

It seems like there’s a new data breach reported every day lately. We now have reason to believe it’s the animals that are doing it.

A woman in Illinois was surprised when a package arrived at her door. She was even more surprised when she opened it up to find a baby python inside from a reptile dealer. She was still more surprised when she learned that someone, or something, had ordered the snake using her credit card.

The only reasonable answer is that the animals are mailing themselves to humans, using our own dying systems against us.

The animal automobile invasion is on

It’s bad enough that the animals have pushed us into a war that we didn’t necessarily want to join in, much less that they could win. But it happened, and as such, here we are. That said, invading our cars? What purpose does that solve?

First, a pair of normal, unsuspecting tourists rented a car to go sightseeing in Maine. No problem! Except when they opened the trunk, therein lied a python, presumably lying in wait to kill. Problem! Except Maine is not exactly a climate friendly to pythons, so the mighty serpentine warrior was easily subdued by police with a pillowcase. Problem (for the python)!

And then, a lazy coyote in decided to hitch a ride in a train conductor’s car. We know this is highly unusual because it took place in Wisconsin and as such, if the coyote was trying to smuggle people into the country, he was doing a bad job. The conductor let mercy shine upon the animal, nestled in the car’s front bumper, and drove the car all the way to his job, not letting the coyote be bothered despite it lowering the car’s fuel efficiency. Sadly, the coyote did not chip in for gas.

The long, dark, slithering nightmare is over

Folks, you can breathe easy again.

After almost 13 long, tortuous months, Florida is safe once more. A python just over eighteen feet in length was killed in Miami. Pythonius Rex’s slayer? A hero by the name of Bobby Hill.

I think we can now put the 2013 Python Challenge to rest. Some of you might say that we could have put the 2013 Python Challenge to rest at the end of December 31st, 2013. To those of you, we say this: vigilance never ends.

Snakes in a Parcel

With Halloween here, the holiday season has officially begun. Soon enough, packages will arrive at your door, and they can only be filled with presents and steaks of the month, right?

That’s what postal workers in South Africa thought as they opened a mail bag. But, then a white python slithered out. Four snakes in all were found inside the bag from a single parcel. Say what you will about the animal menace, but at least they know how to save on postage by shipping themselves in bulk.

Enjoy checking your mail today, and Happy Halloween!

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Rooting out snake suicide bombers

We’ve been fighting this War on Animals for so long that we can’t even remember if we’ve warned you about snake suicide bombers. We’ll err on the side of caution and say we told you so, anyway.

The Florida Everglades are so overgrown that pythons have turned it into their own veritable pit. Partly because of irresponsible species traitors who drop them off shortly after bringing them to the U.S. — and partly due to an exotic snake warehouse destroyed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992 — the enemy has dug into the wild, untamed region where even our armed forces can barely reach them.

And now, they’re planning to bomb us. Otherwise, why would officials fighting the good fight enlist bomb-sniffing dogs to find them?

IM IN YOUR TOILET, KILLING ALL YOUR POOPS

Jaws was a landmark movie because it established a new precedent — just when you think you’re safe, you’re not. Beaches ran empty for weeks on end, simply because of a movie. A movie where even the director said the shark looked too fake to be believable. Welcome to the power of paranoia.

Australians, prepare to cower in fear as you’re now in a similar situation. A six foot long blackheaded python was found in a man’s toilet.

It’s safe to say two things:

  1. It’s pretty obvious exactly why the python was blackheaded.
  2. While we may not be able to communicate with animals (yet), I don’t think it’s unwise to say that just like aglets (those plastic things on the ends of shoelaces), its purpose was sinister.

Think about it: in this time of people being on the move, nowhere are we more open to disaster than when we sit on the can. Who knows what horrors could be wrought upon us while we ponder our deepest thoughts? The animals know, and they won’t hesitate to unleash them. Don’t let this happen to you all. Do what I do and carry a more than ample supply of brown paper lunch bags with you wherever you go.

You now have permission to freak out.