Come get your paid python hunting trip to Miami

This is probably what hunting pythons looks like.

This is our chance, fellow warriors!

Florida is being overrun with pythons and they want civilians to kill them. So far the usual stuff isn’t working, so the South Florida Water Management District is considering paying people to patrol and hunt these bastards down. If the plan moves forward, you and your friends would only need to patrol Miami-Dade County, which means you could celebrate a hard day’s work in a Miami club every night. What’s even better, is that this would be an hourly gig, meaning that you don’t even need to find anything to get paid.

The pilot project would last only two months. But by then you would probably be looking to rotate back home after that long of a tour of duty. Here’s your chance to be on the front lines of the War on Animals. Don’t miss it!

The last massage you’ll ever have

Our readership in Japan just skyrocketed.
Our readership in Japan just skyrocketed.

The next time you’re going to the Philippines, don’t–especially not the Cebu City Zoo. They are trying to kill you.

In an effort to give parkgoers a unique experience, the zoo is offering python massages, which are exactly what they sound like. The idea is that the weight of the snakes and their slithery motions on you relaxes you and works out the kinks in your muscles.

That’s of course if you can forget that there are a bunch of snakes slithering across you, and they kill things by wrapping themselves around animals and squeezing the life out of them.

Traitor of the Week: William Fredrick Buchman

It’s one thing to hold prisoners in this war against nature. It’s one thing to clearly be raising the enemy to giant numbers.

William Buchman is accused of keeping between 300 and 400 pythons in his house. Pythons are the squeezy type of snake (they’re the leg-less Zangiefs of the animal kingdom). Along with that, Santa Ana police are saying legions of mice and rats were in the house, coupled with a “god-awful” stench emanating from the house. To what end were you keeping such an army of our enemy? To what end, Buchman!?

The only type of house that should hold that many number of snakes is a charnel house. Also, the snakes in said charnel house should be dead. And the charnel house should be on fire. Just in case.

The snakes seem to have won this time

It’s all over, folks. After a month of sloshing around and hacking at random branches, Florida’s 2013 Python Hunt has come to a close. You remember, the big event where just about anyone could go into the Everglades and kill as many Burmese pythons as they want?

According to the Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission, in all, only about 50 of the beasts were taken, even though there are thousands of them estimated to be slithering around and eating anything they can. It will provide a lot of data for scientists, but it sure seems like a disappointment.

The problem is that the program is flawed. Why limit it to just one month, especially during the time of year when it’s coldest and reptiles are typically less active? We need to make this a year-long event. Whoever turns in the most pythons by year’s end wins!

Immigration turns dangerous in Florida

Let’s face it, Florida is a bad place to live. Between the danger posed by the local wildlife and threats of civil war, it’s just not worth hanging around the state. Georgia doesn’t even like being near it.

But now there’s another reason, as if one was needed, to be very, very afraid while within the Floridian borders: a python invasion. That’s right, Florida is being invaded by pythons, and not just any pythons, GIANT pythons. The worst part is that they may invade other southern states in a reverse of General Sherman’s March to the Sea.

The apologist media likes to believe that the python threat is the result of pets getting out or being released into the wild, then repopulating in an area not their native land. But we here know they are just the latest wave of illegal immigrants coming from South America.

The next wave of illegal immigrants

Global warming may be a threat after all. Not because some scientists are worried that we will be plunged into a new ice age because of it–that’s just crazy talk. But because warmer climates could result in us getting some rather unpleasant neighbors.

Scientists say that if the planet heats up at its current rate, by 2100, parts of North America could have a climate similar to Pakistan or Indonesia. While this blog has no idea what that means, there is a scarier aspect to this: Pythons could invade our territory.

“Climate modeling for the year 2100 which shows the possible climate range for pythons moving northward and swallowing up northernmost parts of Texas and Arkansas, the southeast half of Kansas, the southern half of Missouri and parts of southern Illinois and Indiana. Further east the big snakes could comfortably creep through Tennessee, Kentucky, Maryland, Delaware and southern New Jersey.”

The west coast isn’t safe either. Folks, we have to either fight global warming or fight pythons. Since it’s unclear whether or not a shotgun can kill global warming, this blog recommends we go after pythons.