Royally drunk: Queen Elizabeth is a binge drinker

The picture was taken at six in the morning.

Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t had a job since her father died. She lives a life every little girl dreams of: living in a big, fancy palace with as many puppies as she wants. She’s 91 and still going strong. Is the secret to her longevity her access to first-rate health care and a lavish lifestyle funded by British taxpayers? No, it’s booze.

According to reports, the queen drinks four drinks a day. She drinks a gin and Dubonnet (a sweet aperitif) before lunch, a gin martini during lunch, then a glass of wine at the end of lunch. So she’s feeling quite jovial and it’s barely the afternoon. She then sobers up with tea in the afternoon and has a glass of champagne before going to bed at night.

That adds up to six units of alcohol by British standards, which the UK government considers binge drinking.

Uh-oh, somebody’s getting a divorce

"Just a little longer, Betty. He's 92, I'm 87. I can wait ... Oh, bugger. He's pointing out British historical landmarks again."
“Just a little longer, Betty. He’s 92, we’re 87. We can wait … Oh, bugger. He’s pointing out British historical landmarks again.”

Queen Elizabeth II will travel to the Vatican for the first time in 30 years to meet with the Pope. While she could be going for any number of reasons — to complete her collection of commemorative Pope plates or because she only likes to stay in palaces when she travels — it’s not impossible* that she’s going for old school, Henry VIII annulment-seeking.

Prince Philip: call us. If Pope Francis doesn’t play ball, this could go south real fast.


*”Not impossible,” as in “it’s a possibility that does not rely on ghosts, aliens or the divine right of kings.”

Queen takes a tough stand in 2013

The 86-year-old monarch is openly declaring her opposition to discrimination because her printer stopped working and she couldn't make any more copies of this picture of her with her black best friend.
The 86-year-old monarch is openly declaring her opposition to discrimination because her printer stopped working, so she couldn’t make any more copies of this picture of her with her black best friend.

After 61 years on the job as the Britain’s Top British Person, Queen Elizabeth II feels it is time to finally take a stand — no matter how many feathers she ruffles — and state for the record that she is opposed to “all forms of discrimination, whether rooted in gender, race, color, creed, political belief or other grounds.”

Some are speculating that this means that the Queen now supports gay rights, which would typically mean, you know, actually mentioning some variation on “sexual orientation.” It could fall into “other grounds,” but that might just refer to the current British Commonwealth practice of declaring fans of the Star Wars prequels mentally unfit for entering a legal contract.

The Guys have it on good authority that this is only the first of several big declarations from the queen, and that next week, she will have stern words for those who speak without having something nice to say.

… She’s talking about us, isn’t she?

What to get for the monarch who has everything

Did you wait until the last minute to get something for that special someone this Valentine’s Day, and all that’s left in stores are the inflammatory cards and diabetic chocolates? Well, there’s one grand gesture you could make, and it only costs a mere £510 ($800 U.S.): mooning the Queen.

Australian barman, Liam Warriner, mooned Queen Elizabeth II during her October visit to Australia. He ran alongside her motorcade — bare-assed — for 50 yards, clutching an Australian flag between his buttocks the entire time. Warriner told police that he did it to protest elitism, but that athletic performance definitely ranks him in the elite.

IOC, make the pants-less 50 yard butt relay an Olympic event now!

We were so distracted we forgot to post

As if it isn’t bad enough having their princes throw out the first pitch at our baseball games, Queen Elizabeth herself came to the U.S.

For the first time in 35 years, the queen visited New York City, but luckily, she left in a New York minute. She visited Ground Zero and went the United Nations. The queen, 136, made the short trip at the end of her nine-day tour of Canada.

Apparently, she still thinks we’re a colony. Perhaps she should have dropped by on the Fourth to celebrate properly with us.

English swans will soon meet their fate

We have reported through the past several months that Canada has gone on the offensive in the War on Animals (in particular, baby seals), but as we have also noted, Canada is really the Puerto Rico of the United Kingdom. So in reality, it’s all just the Brits who are coming to help us, as we wait for the sleeping American giant to wake up fully and get to work.

Well, it seems Queen Elizabeth II is at it again. What’s Betsy doing this time? She is making sure all the swans are counted–so she knows where they are and how many she has left to kill. It’s a tradition dating back to the 12th century, when they counted swans by the hog’s head worth of blood.

The best part is that there is a guy whose job it is to count the foul fowl. His title, of course, is the Queen’s Swan Warden. Now all we need is the royal executioner.

Eat your heart out, animals!

We think of Canada as a bunch of wusses, but in reality, they are downright scary. Luckily for us, they are also our closest allies.

PETA (People for Egregious Treason and Animals) and other traitorous organizations have sharply criticized Canada for its annual seal hunt. The groups fail to see the reason baby seals must be killed. Perhaps they would better understand if a baby seal snuck into their house at night and dragged off their children. It happens in Canada all the time.

In an act of defiance to all critics, a Canadian official gutted a freshly-killed seal, pulled out its heart and ate it raw. If that’s not a clear message, this blog has no idea what is. The official was actually Governor General Michaelle Jean. A governor general is like the Queen’s representative to England’s territories, so basically it’s like Queen Elizabeth herself ate the heart. Good show!

The heart-eating was not just to make our enemies think that Canada is bats&$t insane, but it was a message that, and this is true, traditional seal hunting is indeed humane.

“After eating the heart during a stop in Nunavut’s Rankin Inlet, Jean wiped her blood-soaked fingers with a tissue.”