Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t had a job since her father died. She lives a life every little girl dreams of: living in a big, fancy palace with as many puppies as she wants. She’s 91 and still going strong. Is the secret to her longevity her access to first-rate health care and a lavish lifestyle funded by British taxpayers? No, it’s booze.
According to reports, the queen drinks four drinks a day. She drinks a gin and Dubonnet (a sweet aperitif) before lunch, a gin martini during lunch, then a glass of wine at the end of lunch. So she’s feeling quite jovial and it’s barely the afternoon. She then sobers up with tea in the afternoon and has a glass of champagne before going to bed at night.
That adds up to six units of alcohol by British standards, which the UK government considers binge drinking.
Apparently some Google exec broke the freefall record set by Felix Baumgartner just a couple years ago. He jumped higher than any human has every jumped. Only thing is that it wasn’t sponsored by Red Bull, so no one knew it was going to happen. In that case, what’s the point? Why walk across the Grand Canyon on a wire if no one’s watching? We don’t do stunts for ourselves, we do them for the attention. If you were busy getting your reality show cancelled this week, odds are you missed it.
This week, Queen Elizabeth II sent out her first tweet to open an exhibit at the Science Museum in London. In her tweet, she greeted everyone to the exhibit and expressed her hopes that everyone enjoys it. All of her tweets since then have been nothing but pictures of her grandchildren and conspiracy theories.
The Steve Jobs we deserve
It was announced this week that Christian Bale will play Steve Jobs in yet another movie about the deceased Apple genius of geniuses, directed by Aaron Sorkin. In the announcement, Sorkin said that Bale will “crush” the role of Jobs. Bale said he’s looking forward to the role, as he has a lot of experience playing billionaires who develop their own technology by day, and crush the windpipes of bad guys by night.
After a mother complaints went viral, Toys R Us pulled Breaking Bad action figures from its shelves. In response, actor Aaron Paul criticized the company’s decision, and fans formed a counter-petition to bring the toys back. In other news, thousands of people in Africa are dying from Ebola.
It seems like every week some columnist is declaring social media dead, like they’re ER doctors or something. As much as I would like it, Facebook isn’t dead, and luckily, neither is Twitter. Things don’t die just because you tell them to, they die because you were so quick to move on to the next big thing you didn’t look back. When someone has to remind you that it existed, it’s dead. If you were busy drooling over the cast of the new Star Wars this week, odds are you missed it.
The NBA banned Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life, after recordings surfaced of him making racist comments involving black players, and his girlfriend taking pictures with Magic Johnson. A picture of Sterling in his underwear was also released this week, and it came out that he has been diagnosed with cancer. You had a better week than Sterling did.
Good-time Harry is back
England’s Prince Harry and his girlfriend, Cressida Bonas, announced that they have ended their two-year relationship this week. The revelation dashed many hopes in the U.K. for a royal wedding, since Harry introduced her to his grandmother, Queen Elizabeth, a few months back. So when your girlfriend talks about how said this is, just nod.
Call of Cards
It was announced this week that Kevin Spacey will play a central role in the next Call of Duty game, due to be released later this year. Fans of the series hailed the announcement, as the plotlines of CoD games have become to convoluted that it will help when Spacey turns to the camera and explain in detail what is going on and what he’s about to do.
We have reported through the past several months that Canada has gone on the offensive in the War on Animals (in particular, baby seals), but as we have also noted, Canada is really the Puerto Rico of the United Kingdom. So in reality, it’s all just the Brits who are coming to help us, as we wait for the sleeping American giant to wake up fully and get to work.
Well, it seems Queen Elizabeth II is at it again. What’s Betsy doing this time? She is making sure all the swans are counted–so she knows where they are and how many she has left to kill. It’s a tradition dating back to the 12th century, when they counted swans by the hog’s head worth of blood.
The best part is that there is a guy whose job it is to count the foul fowl. His title, of course, is the Queen’s Swan Warden. Now all we need is the royal executioner.