Thai government politely asks bloggers to refrain from criticism

Thailand — the pederasty capital of the world — has imprisoned an American citizen, Joe Gordon, for the crime of insulting the curry-farting Thai monarchy online. Gordon was sentenced to a reduced sentence of two and a half years for posting translations from a book about the family (who also enjoy the smell of those farts) while living in the U.S. over two years ago.

Although Gordon is the first American sent to prison by Thailand for insulting their presumably inbred royalty, at least two others have also been jailed this year. One was a 61-year-old grandmother, who will spend the next 20 years in prison for sending text messages that insulted the big-boned queen. Another person was sentenced to 13 years, where he can think long and hard about why the Thai monarchy is so thin-skinned and lily-livered.

I think the message here is pretty clear, you guys. The Thai royal family is off limits, especially

  • their four-eyed king.
  • a queen who picks her nose whenever she thinks nobody is looking.
  • and a crown prince who’s OK for a guy throws like a girl.

It’s not cool to make fun of them, OK? So, don’t do it.

They’re after our royalty!

Looking to get away from all the swine flu stories and gross overreaction by foreign governments —

(Killing all your pigs? Really, Egypt? And you, Hong Kong, boarding up a hotel so the guests can’t get out? It’s the flu.)

— Americans have returned their focus to what they really love: European royalty.

Yes, only 233 years after we told our own reigning monarch to go … govern himself, we’re caught up in the drama of an attempted car attack on the Dutch royal family on Queen Day. The driver, Karst Tates, had lost his job as a security guard and just turned in the key to the apartment he could no afford the rent for when he decided to ram the Queen with his Suzuki.

Now, we’re not saying he was justified, but maintaining a royal family with tax dollars — even a modest one — in an economic crisis? We’re not saying Tates was right, but we understand.

Screwed up royally?

British people might argue that Americans can’t understand what it’s like to support an archaic family dynasty that wields no real power anymore. To that The Guys reply, “Well, yeah. What are you, retarded?”

Of course, the British do the same thing with their useless family lineages that we do with ours during wars: send them to military school indefinitely, and — if that doesn’t work out — stick them in the National Guard until the conflict blows over.

Prince William managed to make the news for once because of reports alleging that he grounded a training jet during flight school by toggling when he should have flicked, resulting in an “overcooked” jet engine. It’s a fairly common mistake and only a big deal because his Dad is waiting for his grandmother to die before growing up.

The Little Prince still passed flight school and is currently training to be a search-and-rescue helicopter pilot. He also holds commissions in the British Navy and Army. If he joins one more branch, does he get to wear a super-duper uniform that incorporates the best parts from all services?

Why We Fight: Ant feudalism

Or, ants are godless, sexless aristocratic dirt-mongers

It is a bleak world underground, slaving away for some feminazi despot, when you are an ant. Unless you’re one of the privileged one, born with a silver spoon between your mandibles, your entire life and income has been predetermined by an autocrat.

What we didn’t realize is that this also includes regulating your sex life.

Time reports that no ants are allowed to procreate unless they are the queen under penalty of death. Any ants caught procreating are executed for treason without title or little swap of antiseptic. The remains of God’s creatures, just trying to perform his will, are left in the open as a warning to all other ants.

This is why we fight, animal warriors. We must make the world save for democracy and picnics.

Science says Whitney Houston did not lie

Very romantic scientists at Stony Brook University in New York discovered that certain amount of married people experience “Endless Love.” They also proved that someone may or may not “Always Love You” and verified that the entire Michael Bolton catalog applies to a handful of test subjects.

For the study, they compared brain scans of couples who had been together for 20 years to those who had just reached third base, maybe made it home once. About 10 percent of the longtime couples reacted the same as new couples when shown pictures of their partners. (Another 10 percent reacted by needing a drink.)

So, if you’re in a committed relationship and feel just as strongly about your partner as when you met, great. For the rest of you, you now have to fake it because your partner will read this report.

Your next paycheck will include a complimentary piece of coal

Do you feel it?

There’s a snap in the air. The temperature’s getting crisper. Wal-Mart has put up the candy and instead rolled out stockings. People are starting to put on their coats and get a cup of hot chocolate when they go out to pick up the latest cd. Classic cartoon specials are airing on tv, and you know them by heart. Everywhere around you, you can see the colors of a blaze red and a highly verdant green.

These are all traditions that we associate with Christmas. We’ve known them by heart and we shall continue to do so for most of our mortal lives. Well, it’s time to add another tradition to that group-the “mall Santa is fired in October” should definitely fit right in.

Yes, to quote Queen, “another one bites the dust.” Michael Graham, longtime Santa of Tysons Corner Center in McLean, Virginia (even I remember visiting the guy when I was 7, and I’m the youngest member of the SG crew), has been fired with no notification. Possibly unjustly, as he has had a contract with the mall until 2012. In fact, the mall states that he has done nothing wrong. This brings to mind that there may be a possible breach of contract, given these facts. Will Graham be able to put his now useless Santa suits to use? Only time and sufficient drinking will be able to tell.

A bit of warning: those that read the linked article will be put through Christmas-pun Hell. It was rough for me, and I love puns.

Eat My Sports: Music edition

It hit me earlier this week, we need an overhaul. Basically for going on 20 years, we as an American sports nation have relied too heavily on the same songs, over and over and over and over and over and over again at our sporting events. Someone wins, you get Queen’s “We Are The Champions,” someone gets ejected or loses, it’s Steam’s “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye,” to get the crowd pumped up you play “Rock and Roll Part 2” by Gary Glitter, or, enter any of these: Continue reading Eat My Sports: Music edition