You Missed It: Too much spice edition

Spicer will return to his natural habitat, the White House bushes.

It’s the dog days of summer. I don’t really know what that phrase means, sort of like “the ides of March.” Anyway, there is such a thing as the dog days of summer, and this is it. And usually there’s not a ton of news out there. But that’s certainly not the case this week. If you were busy being accused of holding women captive in a cult-like atmosphere this week, odds are you missed it.

Spice put on ice
This week, Sean Spicer stepped down from his post as White House press secretary. He at first denied the reports as fake news from the dishonest liberal media, but then looked down at his notes and learned that he had apparently resigned.

Clovis culture
President Donald Trump this week nominated climate change denier Sam Clovis to the USDA’s top science position. “Hooray,” cheered cows across the country, whose farts represent the largest U.S. emissions of the greenhouse gas methane.

Man who didn’t murder two people granted parole
O.J. Simpson was granted parole this week after serving nine years in prison for an armed heist to steal back some of his memorabilia that had been sold. Simpson told the judge he plans to search for the real armed robber.

Because the difference between 17 and 18 is enormous

In a gigantic sigh of relief from the Miley Ray Cyrus camp, R. “Chocolate Factory” Kelly disclosed to BET reporters that he is not, in fact, interested in anyone illegal. Kelly led in that he has “some 19-year-old friends,” and was once married to a 15-year-old, but he’s not interested in anyone illegal.

Well thank god that one is cleared up, and we no longer have to worry about it. Because after a career of sex-fueled albums, an hour and a half long opus dubbed “Trapped In The Closet,” and speculations of him having sex with AND relieving himself on an underage girl, this statement makes it all A-OK.

Other interesting celebrity quotes from their personal trials:
Ray Lewis: “I didn’t kill no mother-^%$#ing lion
Samuel L. Jackson: “Yes they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!!!”
Howard Dean: “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”