Police deny existence of shape-shifting tiger in NYC

The animals have always played fair, agreeing not to change into other animals — until now. If you live in New York City, now is a good time to panic.

A tiger, a real tiger, was reported on the streets of Harlem yesterday, sending authorities into a confusing and dangerous search. Residents were alerted on their phones to the danger of a loose tiger, and urged to stay indoors. Not long after, police said the beast was really just a raccoon, not a tiger. Yes, the NYPD wants us to believe that someone saw a raccoon, thought it was a tiger, and was so panicked that he or she called authorities, rather than just admitting that there is a dangerous tiger out there that has the ability to change its form.

For all we know, it could have turned itself into a human.

First it’s trash, then it’s temples

Raccoons have launched an assault on the famous Byôdô-in Temple in Kyoto, leaving scratch marks all over the ancient wood work (warning: link might be Not Safe For Work-exercise your own caution). For those of you who haven’t heard of it before, the temple is a national treasure akin to our Lincoln monument, except much older. Given that the structure dates back to the 10th century, there is actually some real cause for concern.

Strangely enough, Japan has sort of brought it upon themselves. Being that raccoons aren’t indigenous to Japan, you’d think some foreigner might be responsible for unleashing them, however that’s simply not the case.

Apparently, during the 1970s they became popular after appearing in an anime, and people had the bright idea of importing them from the US as pets. Yeah, that’s a good idea, as they were apparently importing close to 1,500 of them a year at one point. Needless to say, it didn’t take long before the government decided to place a ban on importing or even attempting to domesticate them.

Honestly though, how could anyone have ever thought that they’d make a good pet in the first place? I wonder how many of them attacked their owners before someone realized that keeping something with razor sharp claws and a nasty pair of fangs was a terrible idea. They’re not exactly cats and dogs, after all.

Shoot on sight

It is well documented at this point that our animal foes, raccoons in particular, have no respect for the law. A burglar (we don’t have to say “suspected” because animals are not subject to traditional courts) broke into an 85-year old Texas woman’s home and police responded.

Upon finding out the burglar was a raccoon the police officer took out his Taser, and when the raccoon came after Officer Daniel Ek, he fired and shocked the crook. Unfortunately, the raccoon ran up the chimney with the Taser prongs in its back. Details aren’t very clear at this point, but it seems the raccoon has escaped justice–for now.

Our enemy’s disregard for our law enforcement, and much more shockingly, our little old ladies, is shocking. We must end the animals before they rise up against us.

Masked burglar breaks into judge’s chambers

Animals are everywhere, why? Because that’s were they can find and harm us. However, these days we spend most of our time indoors. This is particularly true for public servants–just the people our beastly foes want to attack.

One such attack was foiled in Atlanta recently, when a federal judge found a half eaten apple on his desk, probably left there intentionally as a warning. From the footprints and other evidence, they concluded it was a raccoon that had left the message. A man, err, animalhunt began immediately.

A court clerk created a “wanted” poster, and Bonapfel’s staff posted a “raccoon crossing” sign on the judge’s door.

Days later, the culprit was caught and denied trial. Some media accounts say the critter was released, but others have noticed that the judge has been wearing a coonskin hat during hearings.