Newtlemania reaches its logical end

It only took about a week before the country experienced Newt-fatigue, and that’s in a season where, as a nation, we’re content to watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story.

What could have brought us to this moment? Was it when Newt signed a pledge to uphold the institution of marriage … this time? Was it Glenn Beck calling anyone who backed Cain and then moved on to Newt a racist? Or, maybe it was Newt’s plan to ease up child labor laws, so teens could learn what it means to work two jobs (so long as you count 6-7 hours a day in school a job) and still not be able to afford to live away from home.

At this point, who could really know why specifically?

Fighting fire with a fistful of matches

James O’Keefe (friend of this Web site) is back in the news with another “hot scoop.”

It was apparently news to him that NPR executives believe that Tea Partiers are “xenophobic,” “seriously racist people,” who are “fanatically involved in people’s personal lives.”

He proved that by secretly recording a private meeting by disguising two people as representatives of a Muslim outreach group funded by the Muslim Brotherhood, implying that such groups are full of terrorists.

… Gee, James. Where would NPR get that idea?

The NTPF? Splitters!

When the NAACP challenged the Tea Partiers to denounce racism in their ranks, little did they know that it would be nearly impossible for a splintered group of cells, united only by their general crankiness, to do so when there is no true central authority. (Or did they?)

The National Tea Party Federation has expelled the Tea Party Express from its ranks over a blog post by Express organizer Mark Williams.

The Tea Party Express has countered its expulsion by calling the Federation a silly organization with no authority “to decide who can or cannot participate in a national grass-roots movement.”

So, just to keep track:

“The only people the Tea Party Express hates more than the liberals are the f@#king National Tea Party Federation.

“And the Tea Party Populist People’s Front.

“And the Tea Party Express.

“What? We’re the Tea Party Express?

“Oh. I thought we were the Populist Front.

“Whatever happened to the Populist Front, Reg?

“He’s over there? SPLITTER!”

Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

‘Moose’ demonstrates fundamentals of racism

When it comes to racism, this site has always held the opinion that, while the pain inflicted by it is wrong, the participants of it are hilarious. For every racist that proposes a racist idea or commits a racist act, two things always happen:

  1. The racist says that they do not hate “people of color,” “the blacks,” “Chinamen,” etc.
  2. The racist jumps through logical hoops to explain how their moment of racism was not racially motivated.

The story of Don “Moose” Lewis and his attempts to create the All-American Basketball Association has both elements in spades.

Like Martin Luther King, “Moose” also has a dream: to create a basketball league that focuses on “fundamentals” instead of “street ball,” to get rid of players “flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their [crotches]” and–most importantly–to make sure players are all “natural-born United State citizens with both parents of Caucasian race [to be] eligible to play in the league.”

Surely it’s not racist if your solution to one gun incident and the playing-style, look and language is to not allow any non-full blooded white people into your league, right? He’s just saying that the actions of two black NBA players proves in his mind that all non-white players are the problem and certainly not “All-American” material.

Wait, that is racism? Like the very definition, only “Moose” lacks the balls (heh) to actually say what’s on his mind?

Well, that sucks. We were looking forward to a slowed-down version of the game minus talented players, ball-handling ability, slam dunks and recognizable teams. Basically, we kind of hoped they got their chance to compete at a retard level.

(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)

So I said, ‘You can keep the gun, but lose the monkey!’

Nationally-syndicated columnist Roland S. Martin is upset A good portion of America can’t say enough about an editorial cartoon in The New York Post. Many believe that it refers to President Barack Obama as a chimp.

The cartoonist, Sean Delonas, and the Post disagree with accusations of racism. They believe it’s a tongue-in-cheek reference to yesterday’s news story about police shooting a chimpanzee (hilarious, by the way, because they die just like people) … and the economic stimulus package.

Yeah, here is The Guys’ take on this situation and any others in the future:

Two out of three Elaine Beneses agree.

Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Alright, everyone here? OK, good.

Look, I don’t have a lot of time today, so I’m not gonna type up a bunch of crap about why I’m right. I’m just gonna cut to the chase and tell you why you’re wrong.

What follows are pieces of conventional “wisdom” (I’m using the term very lightly) and what’s wrong with these turd nuggets. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lightning Round