You Missed It: Harsh environment edition

Make America Grey Again.

There are things about our society I will never understand, such as mustaches, lattes and Civil War reenactors. But above all else, I do not understand the annual appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s great that it’s the one time America cares about the education of its youth, but why does anyone watch it? It’s like sitting through a school band concert and you don’t even have a kid at that school. If you lost your job because of thin-skinned bullies this week, odds are you missed it.

Paris je déteste
This week, President Donald Trump announced that he will begin the process of pulling the U.S. out of the landmark Paris climate agreement. For some reason, people were surprised by this. Folks, this is the guy who argued that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration, when you could clearly see rain drops, umbrellas, and George W. Bush getting confused by a poncho. Of course he’s going to deny climate change. Pretty soon he’ll be arguing that the sky’s not grey.

Sleeping Tiger
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods earlier this week after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was pulled over on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.

Mr. Met thrown out
The New York Mets fired the actor playing Mr. Met, after video surfaced of the large baseball-headed anthropomorphic figure was seen flipping the bird at hecklers. So that ought to get that ball club back on track.

Genghis Khan: Fair-weather conqueror

"Oh, big man. Why don't you try conquering us during a dry year?"
Oh, big man. Why don’t you try conquering us during a dry year?”

Famed conqueror and only Mongolian we can name, Genghis Khan, was pretty impressive. In his own lifetime, his empire stretched from the Yellow Sea in China to the Caspian Sea in the Middle East. And that was all done on horseback.

But, what if it turns out that Genghis was only a fair-weather conqueror? According to tree-ring scientists, the period from 1206 – 1227 A.D.  was one of unprecedented “bountiful rains and mild weather on the normally cold and arid steppes.”

So, basically, anyone could have done it. Even Kublai, who was busy building a discotech or something. (Fine, we lied. We can name two Mongolians.)

Obamacare causes accidents in N.C.

You’ve probably heard about problems with the Obamacare web site. You may have also heard that some people are losing their health insurance plans as a result of the law. But as it turns out, the Affordable Care Act is far more sinister than anyone imagined (unless you’re one of those imaginative people like Sen. Ted Cruz).

Turns out Obamacare can even cause accidents. The North Carolina Department of Transportation sent out a traffic alert for a severe accident on Interstate 440. One of the causes cited: Obamacare. It’s worth noting that “women drivers” and “rain” were also listed. Other accidents in the state had the exactly same cause.

It seems obvious that the implementation of the Affordable Care Act created the perfect storm for traffic problems in the state. We need to repeal it before someone gets killed.

When I think of the Summer Olympics, I think of precipitation

Despite how insanely absurd this sounds, I swear to you, it’s not a joke.

The opening ceremony for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London will most definitely have a forecast of rain-and it’s not just expected, it’s purposely planned.

Danny Boyle, director of many incredibly somber but fantastic movies, has been put in charge of the opening ceremony. He plans to show off London in all her rain soaked glory. There is no other chance of that happening, not because it’s always raining in London (it almost always is), but because Boyle will have the clouds seeded beforehand to insure it. The thought is that by showing real rain, coupled with live farm animals, spectators there and the audience watching at home will be able to understand and see firsthand just what life is like in the British Isles.

This is a spectacularly dumb idea.

It’s raining, it’s pouring, nobody’s snoring but England will probably continue its streak of not winning a gold medal in anything that matters.


MasterChugs Theater: ‘Ninja Assassin’

I implore anyone not to smile when purchasing a ticket to see Ninja Assassin. Just saying the words “Ninja Assassin” should spark a silly grin on your face.

I’m not going to over-simplify and proclaim that making a good ninja movie is the easiest thing in the world. But I never would have guessed that doing so is as difficult as James McTeigue’s Ninja Assassin makes it appear at times. This is a big-budget movie with a top-flight crew and a star blessed with undeniable magnetism, not to mention the R-rated freedom to provide the copious blood and gore that so many genre fans crave. Not only that, it’s got massive geek credit, thanks to a script written by J. Michael Straczynski, a lead role by K-pop singer Rain and even a place for ninja movie legend Sho Kosugi. How can you mess up something like Ninja Assassin? Other than Peanut-Butter Sandwich or Free Wi-Fi, no two words in the English language have ever been more of a perfect fit for one another. Good or bad, it’s fun to watch, at least on a primal, blood-letting level.

Unfortunately, it’s still got some issues in it that could be considered bothersome by most. Click the jump to find out more.  Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Ninja Assassin’