How I Met Your Schnauzers

A ranger at Rancho Corral de Tierra near Montara — part of the Golden Gate National Recreation Area near San Francisco, Calif. — opened fire (with her stun gun) on a man walking his two small dogs off-leash. This was after the man reportedly gave the ranger a fake name and tried to walk off.

By the laws of nature and men, the ranger has established dominance over the small dogs’ master; therefore, the pack is hers.

New goal: become a ranger

Cannibis: The Scourge of JellystoneNobody believed Ranger Smith that not only were there picnic basket-stealing bears, but they wore height-appropriate ties and talked, too.

Stressed, they called him. Little did they know that Mr. Ranger Sir was lord and protector of acres of marijuana.

That’s right: national parks are now increasingly home to lower cartel marijuana growers. So, if you want to sit in the woods and not pay for pot, then hippie, have we got the job for you.