Now we have a huge new rat to worry about

Rats are just about the worst thing on the planet. They are big, ugly things that get into everything and can’t really be stopped. Plus, they carry diseases, like that time they killed a third of Europe with the plague. So good luck, everyone, we have new species of rat, and it’s huge.

Researchers have discovered a rat four times the size of the ones you’re used to seeing. It’s got teeth so big it can crack coconuts. The only good news here is that it’s confined to the Solomon Islands, which means there’s a chance we can keep this nasty species isolated.

Then again, rats are so common around the world because they snuck onto ships centuries ago. So we’re probably doomed.

Monkeys, rats, bears breaking into buildings

You can lock your doors and shut your windows. You can have the best home security system that money can buy. Animals will still find a way into your house. Will you be ready when they do?

The Indian government found itself under attack when two monkeys made their way inside a government building, sending public servants scrambling for safety. Luckily no one was injured, and the monkeys were chased off by security guards. But many suspect this was simply a probe of defenses ahead of a real attack.

In Dallas, Texas, customers at Chipotle had their meals ruined by something other than salmonella. Witnesses reported rats, (or mice, because no one in Texas can tell the difference) falling out of the ceiling and scurrying around the restaurant. But because they had been gorging themselves on Chipotle, the rodents were slow-moving and easily rounded up for questioning.

And finally, a Montana man took a nap in his home and found that while he slept a bear had broken in and taken two dumps on his living room floor and left. That’s just mean.

… And a kiwi shall lead them

All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.
All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.

Governments used to do great things. Build great walls. Shoot type-A people to the moon. Cut down entire rainforests through a little chemistry and economic inferiority complexes. And just when it seemed like those days would never come back, a little island nation on the completely other side of the world dares dream of killing every rat, weasel and feral cat on its soil.

New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Key, unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate every invasive predator that waves of arrivals from England and other points north introduced in the great immigration push to one day make a live-action adaptation of The Lord of the Rings.

Key’s plan is inspiring because he’s not going after an easy-to-hate species like mosquitoes. No, unlike Bill Gates, he’s not a fair-weather animal warrior. He wants $2.3 billion to kill adorable mammals, including feral cats. Braving the Internet’s wrath is not an accomplishment to take lightly; that’s motherf*ckin’ leadership.

Of course, he has his critics. But the only ones that The Guys take seriously are the ones saying Keys needs $20 billion. We presume this is to build the world’s largest tree-shredder and fund a rodent buy-back program.

So, in the Kiwis’ words, good on ya, Prime Minister! You’re our Warrior of the Week.

Your ancestors were killed by gerbils

Humans and animals have been at war through the ages–everyone knows that. But according to a new study, one animal hasn’t killed nearly as many of us as we give it credit for.

Science has long said that rats were the cause of the Black Death, which first struck Europe in the 1300s, and kept coming back for centuries, killing millions of people. But according to a new study, gerbils in Asia are to blame for the plague. Those cute, squeaky vermin you watch crawl around in their little plastic tube mazes? Their ancestors killed some of your ancestors.

According to the study, the summers weren’t hot or dry enough for the cause to be European rats, but conditions were just right for Asian gerbils to get the party started. This is why every single animal, no matter how small or cute, is a threat to our very existence.

Scientists put rats in lingerie

Men and rats have more in common than we would like to admit. For example, both like it when females wear lingerie.

Scientists, whom we’re just guessing are male, sought to investigate why men like it when women wear lingerie. Logically, they decided to put a lady rat in a little rat vest, then put her in a cage with a male rat for some mating. They found that the male learned to associate the female rat wearing the vest with mating.

That might mean that men have grown to like lingerie because they know they’re getting some when they see their women wearing it. Not because the ladies look good.

Rat infestation in NYC nothing compared to New Yorkers

"Christ almighty, it's absolutely disgusting out here. I'm never leaving the hole where   me and 50 of my closest relatives sleep in our own sh*t again."
“Christ almighty, it’s absolutely disgusting out here! I’m never leaving the hole where me and 50 of my closest relatives sleep in our own sh*t again.”

Good news in the War on Animals! At least one statistician estimates that New Yorkers are the number one pest infesting New York City, not rats.

Jonathan Auerbach of Columbia University set out to test the old hypothesis that there are just as many rats as humans in New York City. Based on reported complaints and biological data about rats, he estimates that there are only 2 million rats in the Big Apple, while 8 million humans make life an absolute misery for other humans in the city.

So, either New Yorkers have always outnumbered their rats, or the rats have started abandoning the city, possibly due to how terrible the Yankees and their fans are. But a victory is a victory, so way to go, “humans.”

Rats also do it myyyyyy waaaaaaaaaaay!

Despite all their rage, they are still rats treating depression with food in a cage.

Regrets? Rats have had a few, and science believes they’ve found evidence to support that claim.

Researchers placed rats in a contraption that allowed them to travel in one direction through a looping hallway connected to food chambers. Some chambers had food that the rats liked, like bananas or chocolate, while others had foods they liked considerably less. Rats that chose rooms with Kibble or whatever you feed rats when you break up with them looked backward towards rooms with better options. And brain scans indicate that they felt regret on not choosing the correct room.

So what did the rats do? They ate up the less desirable food and spit it out. For what is a rat, what has he got? If not himself then he has naught. To squeak the things he truly feels and not the words of one who runs on wheels. The brain scans show they took the blows and did it … like members of the Rat Pack.

I can’t let you do that, Dave

Nobody likes growing old, right? I mean, it’s pretty bothersome, what with the adult diapers, lack of beneficial driving skill, eventual coming death and shrinking of height (hey, I’m already short enough as it is). Want to be able to cheat death and also be an abomination in the eyes of any god that’s not composed of metallic logic? Then you want to be robo-frankenstein!

Yes, “Gordon”, a “frankenrobot”, has been brought to life with living brain tissue. Most interestingly enough, the brain tissue comes from rats. Awesome! Not only does this eventually prolong our life, but it helps with our war against those insidious rodents! Even more so, Gordon has been described as looking akin to the recent summer smash hit “Wall-E“. It’s so cute that it couldn’t hurt us, right?

Oh yeah, that’s right-it’s composed of the brains of dead rats. That should be an innocuous enough fact, if it weren’t for the more relevant fact that we’re currently in the middle of a war with animals. They clearly wouldn’t want to take revenge on us with their cold, steel arms, would they? Survey says: yes they would. Even an AdrienneBarbeauxbot.