Tag: Ray Lewis

You Missed It: Space monkey edition

I’ll say this first: I really like watching football, especially the NFL. However, I think we get a bit too hyped for the Super Bowl. Yes, it’s a championship game, but the frenzy leading up to it is a bit much. For a solid week, ESPN tries to find fresh angles, and the teams have to talk to the media for days about the same upcoming game. On top of that, all the big commercials leak, and it’s the only time anyone cares. If you were busy dodging questions about your banned drug use this week, odds are you missed it.

The wrong stuff?
This week, Iran shocked the world with its announcement that it launched a monkey into space and returned it to Earth alive and well. The reports from state-run media were never confirmed, and now critics are saying the launch was likely unsuccessful or altogether faked. They point to the video of the monkey before and after the launch, and how they don’t look like the same creature. If this is true, we have to commend Iran on its initiative to kill monkeys.

More than you asked for
Lena Dunham, the writer, star and sometimes director of HBO’s so-so show Girls has signed a deal with HBO to write the pilot for a TV adaptation of a personal shopper for rich New Yorkers. It’s unlikely that Dunham herself will be in the show, but she’ll no doubt find an excuse to get naked anyway. Yeesh.

Purplest teeth in the world
The U.S. is now the largest wine-consumer in the world, according to an industry analyst. According to Jon Fredrikson, the U.S. now makes up 13% of the global wine market, up 2% from a year earlier. Argentina, Chile and Australia were the chief suppliers to the American thirsty. Well done, ladies!

Why even bother with the coin toss?

Quick, think of the three people physically closest to you right now. If you’re alone, just think of three people you happen to know. Good. Now, do you believe that God decides the outcome of sporting events? If you answered “no,” at least one of the three people said “yes.”

According to a new survey by impartial-sounding Public Religion Research Institute, 27 percent of Americans believe that “athletes who believe in God will have good health and success.” This explains why a man who plays a game consistently on the Lord’s day, who was involved in the murder of another man, obstructed justice and then struck a deal with the victim’s family, is in the Super Bowl. He does thank God, after all.

Take it from Snee: We need more swearing exceptions

As a child, my parents had a no swearing rule. They worked hard to clean up their language, and the resulting stress caused them to flip out whenever I broke that rule.

There was one morning, though, when my dad was watching a movie with explosions, camouflage and all of my favorite words. I asked why the men in the movie were allowed to cuss, and he said, “Because they’re at war.”

Imagine the impression this would make on a 5-year-old boy. From that point, I resolved to become either a soldier or a war movie actor, just so I could say whatever I wanted. (This same logic made me want to become a bowler so I could smoke and Robocop so I could eat baby food.)

Growing up, I learned there are a few other exceptions to the no swearing rule in the general public beyond international conflict.

  • Moments of great pain
  • In newfangled non-rhyming poetry
  • While making love for the first time

But is that all? Surely there are more situations where we–not just I–need to express ourselves with the lambada dance steps of communication. Continue reading Take it from Snee: We need more swearing exceptions

Because the difference between 17 and 18 is enormous

In a gigantic sigh of relief from the Miley Ray Cyrus camp, R. “Chocolate Factory” Kelly disclosed to BET reporters that he is not, in fact, interested in anyone illegal. Kelly led in that he has “some 19-year-old friends,” and was once married to a 15-year-old, but he’s not interested in anyone illegal.

Well thank god that one is cleared up, and we no longer have to worry about it. Because after a career of sex-fueled albums, an hour and a half long opus dubbed “Trapped In The Closet,” and speculations of him having sex with AND relieving himself on an underage girl, this statement makes it all A-OK.

Other interesting celebrity quotes from their personal trials:
Ray Lewis: “I didn’t kill no mother-^%$#ing lion”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Yes they deserved to die, and I hope they burn in hell!!!”
Howard Dean: “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”