Canada apologizes, recalls high-proof gin for being too awesome

There is a land, a magical land, where your favorite booze is twice as strong as it used to be. And for a short time, that wonderful land was Canada.

The Canadian Food Inspection Agency announced that it is recalling 1.14 liter bottles (Really? 1.14 liters?) of Bombay Sapphire gin because it’s a higher proof than what the label says. It’s supposed to be 80 proof, but the bottles in question are more like 154 proof because they weren’t diluted properly. This means that unless they are foolish enough to return their treasures, some lucky Canadians are going to really enjoy the NHL playoffs.

The Guys are already planning a road trip.

When Twinkies go bad

Not only are the White Peppermint Twinkies #basic, but Twinkie the Kid’s scarf game is on. point.

As The Guys get older, we find that life has fewer and fewer certainties every year. Until recently, we assumed that the Golden Globes are less political than the Oscars. That reality television has no bearing on actual reality. That Twinkies will never, ever go bad.

That’s right: Hostess voluntarily recalled Twinkies — the food that is supposed to sustain us during whatever apocalypse is trending right now — for containing salmonella. Of course, we weren’t betrayed directly by Twinkies. They just happened to be made with milk powder that was recalled.

Also, it was only the White Peppermint Hostess Twinkies. So, those Twinkies were already bad and/or #basic.

Chobani helps you puke

Chobani: for cultured breakfasters.
Chobani: for cultured breakfasters.

It seemed like America couldn’t get enough Greek yogurt. And why not? It’s low fat, and it provides the stomach bacteria you need to make you go. You know, go … Poop. It makes you poop. There, are you happy, loyal fourth grade readers?

But their new flavor, mold, has been accused of allegedly sickening 89 people, some of them experiencing nausea and cramps.

So, if your goal is to eat a healthy, protein-rich breakfast and lose weight, you’d better act fast. Chobani has already pulled 95 percent of their tainted products from grocery store shelves.

Trim off the pounds with Special K’s new special ingredient

Kellogg's new Special K with Shards of Broken Glass made Liam Neeson the action star he is today.
Kellogg’s new Special K with Shards of Broken Glass made Liam Neeson the action star he is today. (Those glass blades pop out of his hands, Wolverine-style.)

When it comes to breakfast cereal, Special K doesn’t seem like anything special. It’s lightly toasted wheat and rice flakes, which makes it nigh indistinguishable from every other non-marshmallow-enhanced, flake-based human fish food in the breakfast aisle.

So, it makes sense that the Kellogg Company would change things up a bit by adding red berries and shards of broken glass.

The Guys aren’t sure what’s happening on Kellogg’s production floor, but we’re betting they don’t call it Battle Creek, Michigan, for nothing.

Now it’s cancer rather than hair growing on palms

Okay, remember how in Back to the Future, plutonium was needed to power the DeLorean, but the Libyan terrorists wanted it back?

Now swap in tissue boxes with DeLorean and Bed, Bath & Beyond with Libyan terrorists and you’ve got this story.

A shipment of tissues box covers making their way to the California corner of Bed, Bath & Beyond (if they’ve got time, Saturday’s looking busy) were delayed in their travels. At a truck scale, the radiation sensor was set off, probably setting off tornado sirens and klaxons left and right. The box covers apparently had been coated in low levels of cobalt-60. Triple B is now offering a recall on the products.

The radiation is reportedly not too dangerous to people if they left them in their bathroom, but I have a feeling my old suitemate from college, Sploosh, might have a bad case of testicular cancer if he bought them.

Home exercise Schwinners and losers

Fitness equipment company, Nautilus, recalled 10,000 elliptical machines for fall hazards. Nine Schwinn 460 units are reported to have detached or broken foot plates, which was a shock to Nautilus because that would require more than one use in the home.

A company spokesperson assured us on the condition of anonymity that the line poses no danger in its popular “coat rack” mode, though allowing dust to settle can trigger allergies.

Future Friday!

Ladies and gentlemen, it took 10 years and careful pronunciation of this year, but it is finally here: the future, today.

Radioactive Mutant Animals!

After drinking water at a demolished nuclear weapons lab, a killer radioactive mutant rabbit went bonkers in Washington state! And what do radioactive rabbits do? They poop. Everywhere.

Officials are still tracking down the bunny’s highly dangerous fallout.

Jetpacks!

No, seriously: jetpacks. Jetpacks with Buzz Lightyear wings.

It may be a Swiss jetpack, but it’s a goddamn jetpack.

Boner Recall!

We’re not sure if there’s a porno based on Total Recall that goes by this title, but there should be.

Otherwise, it’s just a recall of erection pills, and that’s just dystopian.

Honda of Jupiter had no comment on the matter

Toyota vehicles have been having a problem with sudden, uncontrollable acceleration lately. It’s been variously attributed to faulty circuits and driver error, but the real culprit might be radiation from beyond the skies. Woooo, oooooOOOOoooo, woooo.

Every day, the Earth is bombarded with trace amounts of radiation from space, though it poses no direct harm to you and me, but the radiation has been known to cause glitches in circuitry, including the kind found in airplane navigation systems. And now, Toyota is looking into the possibility that the same radiation might be causing their cars to speed out of control.

An anonymous tipster contacted the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to let them know that Toyota might be using software that’s unusually susceptible to ambient radiation. A body of published scientific work lends some credence to this theory, so federal regulators are now talking about devising a test to check Toyota’s radiation immunity.

Toyota maintains that radiation has nothing to do with the sudden-acceleration phenomenon. Thus far, the official and most widely accepted story is that something’s wrong with the car’s hardware or software—wiring, circuitry, something like that. Still, we at SG kind of like the cosmic radiation angle, if only to see four Corollas randomly gain superpowers.

You Missed It: Coming in hot edition

Greetings from the worst winter our nation’s capital his had in 100 years! Yes, as I write this, I am braving out a storm that is supposed to put the snowfall for the winter over the top and make it the snowiest winter in a decade. On top of that, we are supposed to get nearly two fraggle-rocking feet of snow before it’s all over. Anyway, enough about me and my world coming to an end. Let’s get down to business. If you were busy partying with teabaggers, odds are you missed it.

A screeching halt
Remember the days when American car companies sucked and Japanese car companies’ profits soared? Things have changed. Ford now sucks slightly less, and Toyota has more or less crapped the bed. After that pesky gas pedal recalls that happened last week (months after a family was killed because of it), Toyota also issued a recall on the brake pedals of their Prius hybrid cars. The company said that owners can tell if they have faulty brakes if fails to slow from its top speed of 15 mph.

Mel Gibson would like to tell you how he feels about you
Actor Mel Gibson is mounting a comeback not only in the movie theaters, but in the headlines as well. Everyone’s favorite alcoholic member of Opus Dei had to explain himself when during a television interview with a Chicago reporter he muttered a word we can’t repeat here, but let’s just say it contained the words “ass” (which we can say) and “hole.” Gibson later apologized via text message, saying the comment was aimed at his publicist, not the reporter. He blamed the mishap on the Jews.

The beginning of the end of a show that will never actually answer anything
Lost returned this week to the delight of millions (including several people in my office). The show is now in its final season, with more mysteries than ever, like parallel universes, people who are dead and aren’t dead, and much, much more. In related news, I still don’t care about this show. World, please stop asking me my thoughts on it.