Coke and porn stars only funny when implied?

Now that Egypt’s Jasmine Revolution is over as far as Americans are concerned, we can resume our focus on domestic issues. And that domestic issue is Charlie Sheen.

In the latest chapter of what will undoubtably fill future history books, Chuck Lorre–creator of Two and a Half Men–has called Sheen out in those two-second long screens at the end of his shows’ credits. With shooting on hiatus until Sheen gets his porn star and coke habit in control, Lorre wrote that he will be pissed if Sheen outlives him.

Seriously? A show is on hold because the lead actor in a show loosely based on his actual life because of porn stars and coke? Just move the cameras to his house and start taping off the cuff. The kid’s old enough for his own Valtrex prescription, so let’s dump with the innuendo and make Jon Cryer really uncomfortable on set.

It’s gotta be more interesting than whatever Kardashians do.

Wii would like to be generous with taxpayers’ money

A state minister from Victoria, Australia has been publicly rebuked after personally campaigning, in parliament, for one of his constituents to be given a Wii.

Gordon Rich-Phillips, a member of the Liberal Party and Victoria’s Assistant Opposition Treasurer, got up in parliament and asked that Victoria’s WorkCover Authority (the worker’s comp guys) pay for “a certain rehabilitation aid” for a man that claims he’s been unable to work for four years due to a “work-related injury”. Oh sure, that might sound reasonable, but he only made the plea in parliament because WorkCover had already knocked the man’s claims back, on the grounds that this “rehabilitation aid” was in fact a Nintendo Wii console and a copy of Wii Fit.

“Gordon Rich-Phillips is saying we should spend WorkCover money on video games when the claim has already been assessed and knocked back,” WorkCover Minister Tim Holding said.

The man asking for the Wii, meanwhile, says that it’s necessary for his rehabilitation because, in addition to his injury, he also suffers from severe panic attacks, which presumably keeps him from both the physio and the gym. Sorry guy, but I haven’t seen them make a WiiTherapist yet.

Schadenfreude: The taste you know

In an uncertain world, we rely on the few certain things in our lives or–more importantly–the lives of others to make everything make sense. It’s what wakes us up in the morning, ready to face whatever uncertainties the world will throw at us.

There, that should be enough Schadenfreude to get you to five o’clock. It’s the taste you know you love, especially after pouring it in Jesse James’ rehabed lap.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.

Celebrity Rehab: Animal Edition

We know that animals want to kill us and rule the world, but did you know that they are also poor role models? It’s true. Just look to Russia.

Traditionally a country on our side of the war, Russians sent a chimpanzee to rehab, yes rehab, for drinking and smoking. In other words, the chimp was basically acting like the average Russian. Rather than kill the beast and be done with it, the Russkies decided to rehabilitate the addict. It’s getting ugly, folks.

Key quote: “The beer and cigarettes were ruining him. He would pester passers-by for booze,” the Komsomolskaya Pravda paper said.

Sean Young shows young starlets how to get it done

Not to be outdone by Hollywood’s current stable of floozies, Sean Young recently took it upon herself to show Paris, Britney and Lindsay how to really make a drunken spectacle.

Ms. Young kicked it Olde Schoole by taunting a winning director at the Directors Guild of America Awards, unlike the current, lazier generation that gets drunk and stupid at clubs. Bascially, that’s like going down in Sunday mass as opposed to holding an orgy in a whorehouse.

Ms. Young has now trumped them again by entering rehab before an unseemly arrest. The word on the street is that she will go through it only once this year, proving that classy ladies are housebroken after one accident.

Take note, little princesses. You just got served by the Queen.