Swedish town may enact the paid funch

Sweden, the land of cheap furniture and imaginary terrorist attacks, could soon have another great thing going for it.

One town council member there has suggested that citizens be allowed to take an hour off from work to go home and bang. Sweden already has a mandated coffee breaks during the day, but this could take things a step further. Under the proposal, workers would have a paid one-hour break to go home and spend time with their partner, and we all know what that really means. Critics say the rule would be unenforceable, as workers could simply spend their paid break doing anything.

Besides, they should only need a minute or two, or is that just us?

Science: Your lady will cheat on you because genes

Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.

According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.

Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.

Your single friends are all drunks, science says

It’s a well-worn comedic trope that your significant other drives you to drink. But what that may not actually be the reality.

According to a new study, your single friends drink way more than you and your partner. A study of same-sex twins found that those who are in a relationship kind of cut back on the hootch, compared to their single doppelgangers. That means that you’re ruining the fun for your significant other, which might be OK, because that means you can go full steam ahead and know that you’ve got a designated driver.

So if you’re in a relationship and you’re miserable, it’s probably because you’re spending way too much time sober.

Science: Drink your way to a happy marriage

If you’re like The Guys, you’ve got two loves in your life: your significant other and your drink — and usually not in that order. Science now has an indicator of whether you two can go the distance. What is it? You both need to drink as you get older.

According to an analysis of American couples over 50, dissatisfaction with spouses was more common if both parties didn’t drink the same amount. It appears to be especially true in women. Researchers found that couples that drink together (or don’t drink at all, but that’s not a real choice) were more likely to express satisfaction with their spouse. It backs up the findings of an earlier study. Scientists don’t know why, but it seems obvious that you care less about your significant other’s annoying traits when you’re getting crocked.

So, drink together for the kids.

Science: You’re doomed to marry someone with the same issues

If you’re reading this at home, take a good hard look at your significant other. Think about all of their flaws. Are they emotionally stable? Do they have some characteristics that make them seem crazy to people who don’t know them like you do? You might be looking in the mirror.

According to a new analysis of the psychiatric profiles of over 700,000 people, if you’ve got a mental disorder, there’s a good chance you will end up with someone who has the same deal. If you’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autism spectrum disorder, anorexia nervosa, substance abuse, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, major depressive disorder, social phobia, agoraphobia, and generalized anxiety disorder, your partner probably has, too.

So give up all hope. Even if you are able to manage or overcome your disorder, you’re doomed to deal with your significant other’s. Maybe being the same kind of crazy is the secret to happiness.

Science: Stop with the sex already

Ready to have your day ruined? Good, because we’re about to do just that.

According to a a recent study, you will never be more satisfied with your sex life than when you are getting it only once a week. We’ll repeat that: Once a week is the peak of sexual happiness. Researchers at the University of Toronto-Mississauga studied couples sexual habits, and found that both parties reported the most satisfaction, all things considered, when they were knocking boots only once every seven days. Any higher frequency, and things just weren’t as great. We don’t need to tell you that less than once a week didn’t make people happy, either. This is the second study in recent months telling us to cool it between the sheets. But what does science know?

But that’s probably just as well, because chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis are on the rise in the U.S. for the first time since 2006. We blame retirement homes. Hope you weren’t eating while reading this.

Study: You were hotter when you were 24, ladies

Ladies, you’re all beautiful, no matter what your age. Unfortunately, guys think your attractiveness goes down once you hit 25. We’re not saying it, data is saying it.

Christian Rudder co-founded dating site OKCupid, and he’s got a whole lot of data about what his customers have said they look for in a potential mate over the years. The data shows that women find men attractive generally near their age, maybe a year or two younger. But to men aged 20 to 50, women look their most attractive between 20 and 24. Every single age group said this. It doesn’t mean men don’t find women attractive when they are 25 or older, just that they probably wish they met those women back when they were fresh out of college.

So ladies, make sure to find The One by age 26 or so, or say hello to spinsterhood.

The McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook

For most of my dating career, there was no Facebook. Looking back, I think that’s probably a good thing. Things you post never die, even when you do. Facebook came on the scene during my senior year of college, and even then, MySpace was the clear favorite of the cool kids, and would be for another two years or so. Before that, you didn’t declare your relationship status publicly. You might brag about your new fling to your friends, or bring someone home to meet your parents if things got really serious, but that was about it.

But before long, Facebook and his relation-ship labeling technology beat out MySpace and its profile song autoplay functionality. If you met someone and eventually had the “define the relationship” talk, you could then announce the results to all your friends with a couple clicks. Of course, this also meant you had to publicly acknowledge when the relationship spiraled out of control and eventually met its demise.

Then things got complicated. People started getting married. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A divorce isn’t real unless it’s on Facebook

You Missed It: Secret society edition

A bunch of white people in formal attire shouting bigotry. A little on-the-nose, don't you think, guys?
A bunch of white people in formal attire shouting bigotry. A little on-the-nose, don’t you think, guys?

So they’re working on a Zoolander 2. I guess that’s not a terrible thing, but I don’t get the excitement around it. Admittedly, I wasn’t a huge fan of the first one, “really dumb lead character does really dumb things” movies have never really done it for me, and I know I’m in the minority. What I don’t get isn’t the appeal of the first movie, it’s the appeal of a sequel coming out 15 years after the first. Fifteen! The movie is so old that we were watching TV ads for it before 9/11. Stop and think about how long ago that was. I hate to see something like this happen, because it’s a sure sign Ben Stiller is out of ideas. If you were busy quitting your new fashion humor show this week, odds are you missed it.

Left to chants
This week, a chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University in Oklahoma got in trouble when a video of the group’s brothers doing a racist chant surfaced. The school kicked the frat out, and expelled at least two students in the video. But don’t worry, they were offered jobs with the Ferguson Police Department.

Giuliani hasn’t been keeping up with headlines lately
Former New York City Mayor and Guy Who’s Totally Not Running for President Rudy Giuliani has some advice for President Barack Obama. He said Obama should, and this is true, be more like Bill Cosby. You can find this insight and more in Giuliani’s new book, Date Rape Diplomacy.

Scientists still trying to figure out what they’re lacking
A new study has found that people look for someone they can have fun with when they are selecting a partner for a relationship. There you have it, if you’re alone, it’s because everyone thinks you’re no fun to be around.

Settling down in every sense

... is knowing that 8s and above are insane.
… is  realizing that 8s and above are insane.

Hey there, people in committed relationships! Isn’t it wonderful to have found someone who finally appreciates you after possibly years of dating people who didn’t know a good thing when they had it?

… Yeah, about that. Research indicates that at least one of you in your relationship would rather settle than die alone — even if your current relationship isn’t that great — and it isn’t necessarily the woman.

‘In our results we see men and women having similar concerns about being single, which lead to similar coping behaviors, contradicting the idea that only women struggle with a fear of being single,’ said co-author Dr. Geoff MacDonald.

But, let’s not get too insulted. After all, you both chose to be disappointed by each other, not left for dead in a motel bathtub full of ice by someone else. See? You have more in common than ever.