700 people claim to be at least one-sixteenth sexy MF-er

Considering that, in 2007, Prince helped 140 million television viewers conceive in a single half hour performance, it's no stretch that 700 people were related to him.
Considering that, in 2007, Prince helped 140 million television viewers conceive in a single half hour performance, it’s no stretch that 700 people may have been related to him.

Morse Genealogical Services, the Florida-based firm in charge of identifying heirs to Prince’s estate, has reportedly received “between 600 and 700 calls” from people claiming to be related to him. Unfortunately, most of the applicants don’t have prerequisite paperwork establishing a familial link — birth, marriage, death, divorce certificates, census records, etc. — so, they won’t have the chance to take a DNA test.

It was worth a shot, though. Considering how much DNA that the human being formerly known as Prince spread around — prior to finding Jesus — you never know who in the world is or isn’t at least a little sexay motherf*cka.

In fact, the odds are so good of so many relations, that they might have to distribute Prince’s earthly wealth like this through the streets of Minneapolis:

Don’t let Alzheimer’s dampen the holidays!

As the holidays that don’t involve bobbing for little bottles of liquor approach, those of you with elderly relatives may encounter some memory loss (that, once again, doesn’t involve little bottles of liquor).

While Alzheimer’s means that your mom or dad might not recognize you, that doesn’t mean they want to be bored with the same old reintroductions to their bastard grandchildren. Give them the life they’ve always wanted — you know, before you were born.

1) Total Recall: “What do you mean you want to go to Mars,Grandpa? Mars is terrible. How about a nice tour of the rings of Saturn?” Then have your mom try to kill him with a cooking knife. The fun starts when Grandpa’s WWII training kicks in.

2) The Bobby Darin Story: Convince your grandmother that she is your mother and that your mother is actually your sister. Bonus points if you don’t tell your mom whats going on.

3) Clue: It’s murder! And your Aunt doesn’t remember killing the butler in the library with the rope … until you arrange the clues so they point to her.

4) The Alzheimer’s Game: Convince a suggestible older relative that they’ve entered the early stages of dementia by having the entire family reminisce about things that never happened. Will they catch on by Christmas? That’s the Alzheimer’s Game!