Tag: religion

Jesus is back and he wants pizza

After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.

In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”

He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”

The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.

Jesus is for states’ rights in N.C.

Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.
Probably what the Rowan County temple parking lot looks like on the Sabbath.

This may come as a bit of a surprise, but North Carolina’s not huge on social progress or the law.

A bill in the North Carolina House would establish a state religion just because they don’t want to have to stop praying in an overtly Christian way during local government meetings. This all stems from a dispute between the ACLU and the Rowan County government.

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit because the county board of commissioners has opened 97% of its meetings since 2007 with Christian prayers. It’s legal to pray at government meetings, just not specifically to one religion. Rather than tone down the name checks to Jesus, the local leaders kicked it up to the state level. Two Rowan County representatives introduced the bill that would not only make North Carolina officially Christian, but it would nullify any federal law or court ruling against it. Let’s take a look at the bill.

“The Constitution of the United States does not grant the federal government and does not grant the federal courts the power to determine what is or is not constitutional; therefore, by virtue of the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.”

Does too.

“The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Wrong again.

“The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”

Actually, it’s the “supreme Law of the Land.”

We’ve been through this before, South. Don’t make us come down there again.

Why even bother with the coin toss?

Quick, think of the three people physically closest to you right now. If you’re alone, just think of three people you happen to know. Good. Now, do you believe that God decides the outcome of sporting events? If you answered “no,” at least one of the three people said “yes.”

According to a new survey by impartial-sounding Public Religion Research Institute, 27 percent of Americans believe that “athletes who believe in God will have good health and success.” This explains why a man who plays a game consistently on the Lord’s day, who was involved in the murder of another man, obstructed justice and then struck a deal with the victim’s family, is in the Super Bowl. He does thank God, after all.

Take it from Snee: Explaining Democracy to Foreigners, Children

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Explaining [U.S. political institution] to Foreigners and Children! But, more importantly …

Congratulations on downloading and installing Democracy® on your PC or Mac-based national operating system! Upgrading to Democracy® from previous systems of government may include complications, particularly if replacing a strong arm dictator that ate up all of your resources. This manual should help you navigate the pitfalls that may occur when new users attempt to operate unfamiliar Democratic™ applications, like FreeSpeech™ and FreeWorship™.

Egypt and Libya: technically, this is your appointment at the Genius Bar®, but I hope you won’t mind if others (like the aforementioned children) follow along. However, do not attempt to bootleg and share Explaining Democracy® to Foreigners and Children (© 1789) with unlicensed Democracy® users, as this violates my copyright and your warranty.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining Democracy to Foreigners, Children

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Torrents

Sweden — famous for their meatballs, erotica and competitive bikini-wearing (see image) — has recognized a new religion, the Church of Kopimism.

Kopimism — based on the Swedish words for “copy me” — is based partially on the belief that all information is sacred and, therefore, free to share a la Pirate Bay. (Another belief is that all communication is sacred should remain private.) Their new status as a recognized religion grants them protections in Sweden for violating copyrights.

The Guys think this is such a great idea that we’ve decided to found our own religion, the Church of Free Movies and Music and Stuff. Look for our upcoming Web site, which looks just like the Kopimists’ site, only with our name on top. We’ll probably clean up some of their meatballed English while we’re at it.

Bullying is kind of religion’s thing

The Michigan Senate passed an anti-bullying bill, yet the father of the boy for whom the bill was named is unhappy, proving you just can’t please some people.

Kevin Epling, whose son Matt Epling killed himself in 2002 after being bullied, objects to a last minute addition to the bill by Republican senators that forbids schools from prohibiting any “statement of a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.” Epling believes this means that any old bully can still harass their fellow students and hide behind their religion.

But, Epling isn’t a Republican, so he just doesn’t understand why it’s important to protect, say, Muslim students declaring a jihad against Christian or Jewish classmates. Or vegan students threatening any student who participates in Biology lad dissections. What is Epling, anyway? Anti-La Raza or something?

Seriously, what a pussy. (Which we can say as a tenet of our Seventh Day Aggravist faith.)

Fox News finally has a true online rival

It took nearly 10 years since they exploded on the New York scene, but Al-Qaida has finally gotten their particular brand of propaganda translated into the English language.

The terrorist group–accept no substitutes–launched their English language Web ‘zine, Inspire, on Tuesday. They’ve even taken a note from infidel fashion magazines with their feature article, “How to Make a Bomb in the Kitchen of Your Mom.”

(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)

We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!

His next trick is turning water into PHISH

Dear hippies of the world,

Stop. Just stop. It’s not funny anymore. Lay off the drugs. Sure, you had your time, I mean, the late sixties onward into the mid-seventies or so, those were great years for you all. But let’s face it-you’re just not enjoyable anymore. Bryan McBournie can’t stand you all crowding his home state. Hunter S. Thompson used you only for your drugs, and he didn’t even pay for them! The first Woodstock was something of legend, but every single one after that consisted of selling out to the man. Yeah, real counterculture, that.

And what’s this? Now you’ve found an image of Jesus in a tie-dyed shirt? Scratch that-you think you’ve found an image of Jesus in a tie-dyed shirt? I’ll have you know that I see a cow skull, which seems pretty anti-Jesus if you ask me. Without getting into the concept of religion, don’t you think that’s a bit of a stretch? Get off the pipe and into a nice, sensible pair of slacks without holes in them. You’ll thank me later.

Sincerely, Chris

Oh, and while I’ve got you here, get rid of patchouli oil as a whole. Seriously, who was the dummy that thought smelling like feces was a good idea?

Take it from Snee: We need more swearing exceptions

As a child, my parents had a no swearing rule. They worked hard to clean up their language, and the resulting stress caused them to flip out whenever I broke that rule.

There was one morning, though, when my dad was watching a movie with explosions, camouflage and all of my favorite words. I asked why the men in the movie were allowed to cuss, and he said, “Because they’re at war.”

Imagine the impression this would make on a 5-year-old boy. From that point, I resolved to become either a soldier or a war movie actor, just so I could say whatever I wanted. (This same logic made me want to become a bowler so I could smoke and Robocop so I could eat baby food.)

Growing up, I learned there are a few other exceptions to the no swearing rule in the general public beyond international conflict.

  • Moments of great pain
  • In newfangled non-rhyming poetry
  • While making love for the first time

But is that all? Surely there are more situations where we–not just I–need to express ourselves with the lambada dance steps of communication. Continue reading Take it from Snee: We need more swearing exceptions

What? Kids say crazy things in college

The Virginia gubernatorial race is heating up! Republican candidate, Bob McDonnell, is facing criticism for his college thesis, which the Democrat candidate, Creigh Deeds, has featured in his attack ads.

To comprehensively lay out the issue, SeriouslyGuys will now discuss the story in Point/Counterpoint.

Point: McDonnell wrote the thesis 20 years ago! He says he’s changed his mind since then. Remember how you thought when you were young, dumb and full of liberal education?

Counterpoint: McDonnell was 34 years old when he wrote it … at Pat “Jesus Rides Dinosaurs” Robertson’s Regeant University.

Point: OK, but it was a college thesis–a thought experiment. It’s not like it was his plan for the Republican Party to combat feminism and reinstall religion in public schools.

Counterpoint: “The thesis was called ‘The Republican Party’s Vision for the Family: The Compelling Issue of the Decade.’ In it, McDonnell wrote that working women are ‘detrimental’ the the family; that feminism is among ‘the real enemies of the traditional family’; and that the ‘purging’ of religious influence in public schools is damaging to healthy families.”

Point: Fine. But, McDonnell[‘s campaign] still says he’s changed. He’s now a husband and father of “strong working women.”

Counterpoint: So, not only did McDonnell write a paper that echoes Dan Quayle’s 1989 positions, but he couldn’t even enforce them in his own home?

Point: That’s what women do to a man.

Counterpoint: Touché.