Robots are taking our jobs. But they’re coming for our souls, too.
Centuries ago, Martin Luther broke from the Catholic Church in Wittenburg, Germany. It’s fitting that this same town is also host to the break from Christianity for humans. A church in town has decided to employ a robot to bless people.
BlessU-2 looks like it was made in Japan in the 1980s by someone who had never seen what a priest looks like. Its hands light up, and it can give blessings in a male or female voice, depending on the churchgoer’s sexism.
The church housing RoboPriest insists that BlessU-2 will not put human priests out of business. They expect us to just take it on faith alone.
People who are frightened of things like to say that we’re not as good as we used to be, saying we’re losing our morality. They love to say technology is the cause of this. But it turns out, it may be making us more religious.
According to a recent study, if you watch porn regularly, there’s a good chance you’ll start attending church regularly. This flies in the face of what Bible beaters have been saying as long as there have been Bibles to beat. A survey of about 1,200 people found a connection between viewing frequency and how often they attend religious services. The theory is that the more people watch, the more they feel guilty and seek religion.
So God may be watching you, but he also knows he’ll see you on Sunday.
In case you haven’t heard, it’s not the best time to be in Detroit. Tax revenue is gone, jobs are scarce, crime is up, fires are up, drugs are up (probably). It’s like all hell has broken loose. Now it finally has.
A Satanist group is moving into the Detroit metro area (widely scene as a hellhole), and they are seeing some protests. What’s surprising is that those protests are coming from Satanists that already live there. The original Satanist group is spitting hellfire at the newcomers because they don’t really worship Satan, which is kind of the point of Satanism. Rather, these upstarts are atheists and use logic and reason. But “Reasonism” just doesn’t sound as likely to make your parents ashamed.
It’s comforting to see that Satanism is just like any other religion: given enough time, people will start to fight amongst themselves about who worships correctly. Only in this case, being called a heathen isn’t really an insult.
Welcome to 2014, everyone. We’re happy to be here with you as civilization continues to crumble around us. So, what do we have to kick off the new year here at SG? How about King Tut’s erect penis?
Apparently, scientists have known that King Tutankhamun was mummified with his sphinx at full salute, but they just didn’t like to talk about it, because some blogs out there would probably make fun of it. A new study claims that the stiff’s stiffy, and other irregularities with his mummification were actually done to make him look more like the god Osiris, to help stave off a religious revolution.
The ACLU has filed a lawsuit because the county board of commissioners has opened 97% of its meetings since 2007 with Christian prayers. It’s legal to pray at government meetings, just not specifically to one religion. Rather than tone down the name checks to Jesus, the local leaders kicked it up to the state level. Two Rowan County representatives introduced the bill that would not only make North Carolina officially Christian, but it would nullify any federal law or court ruling against it. Let’s take a look at the bill.
“The Constitution of the United States does not grant the federal government and does not grant the federal courts the power to determine what is or is not constitutional; therefore, by virtue of the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.”
“The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”
“The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.”
Quick, think of the three people physically closest to you right now. If you’re alone, just think of three people you happen to know. Good. Now, do you believe that God decides the outcome of sporting events? If you answered “no,” at least one of the three people said “yes.”
Hello, and welcome to another edition of Explaining [U.S. political institution] to Foreigners and Children! But, more importantly …
Congratulations on downloading and installing Democracy® on your PC or Mac-based national operating system! Upgrading to Democracy® from previous systems of government may include complications, particularly if replacing a strong arm dictator that ate up all of your resources. This manual should help you navigate the pitfalls that may occur when new users attempt to operate unfamiliar Democratic™ applications, like FreeSpeech™ and FreeWorship™.
Kopimism — based on the Swedish words for “copy me” — is based partially on the belief that all information is sacred and, therefore, free to share a la Pirate Bay. (Another belief is that all communication is sacred should remain private.) Their new status as a recognized religion grants them protections in Sweden for violating copyrights.
The Guys think this is such a great idea that we’ve decided to found our own religion, the Church of Free Movies and Music and Stuff. Look for our upcoming Web site, which looks just like the Kopimists’ site, only with our name on top. We’ll probably clean up some of their meatballed English while we’re at it.
Kevin Epling, whose son Matt Epling killed himself in 2002 after being bullied, objects to a last minute addition to the bill by Republican senators that forbids schools from prohibiting any “statement of a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.” Epling believes this means that any old bully can still harass their fellow students and hide behind their religion.
But, Epling isn’t a Republican, so he just doesn’t understand why it’s important to protect, say, Muslim students declaring a jihad against Christian or Jewish classmates. Or vegan students threatening any student who participates in Biology lad dissections. What is Epling, anyway? Anti-La Raza or something?
Seriously, what a pussy. (Which we can say as a tenet of our Seventh Day Aggravist faith.)
(Unlike Maxim, it’s not a clever title about impregnating MILFs, but literally about making bombs with common kitchen items … though they belong to your mom and you shouldn’t know how to use them if you’re a fundiemoron.)
We’d like to welcome Al-Qaida to the Internet, and wish nothing them nothing but our thoroughly CIA-investigated best!