Salutations, Hollywood executive! You may be wondering why I’m writing you this open letter, and why my headshot is actually a full-body nude. I’ll answer your second question first: I have a lot of these lying around, mostly labeled “return to sender” with a restraining order enclosed
As to your first question: congratulations on your upcoming remake of the 1986 cinematic classic, Highlander. The original, as I’m sure you’re aware, was not well-received by critics, but was a rousing cult hit that spawned a lot of crappy sequels and reintroduced America to one Thomas Sean Connery. In other words, I believe you will enjoy reasonably tremendous success, so long as more women attend than those dragged by their boyfriends with ponytails to the theater.
I see you had just this demographic in mind when you announced your casting of Ryan Reynolds as this century’s Connor MacLeod (of the Clan MacLeod). While I think you have the right idea, I’d like you to take a step back — but within view of the monitor that your intern is assumedly holding up for you right now — and bear with me when I say: there are actors who aren’t Ryan Reynolds. Some of them may even live in your neck of the woods. (Perhaps balancing a frappucino and your monitor?) Continue reading Take it from Snee: There can be only one (but not necessarily Ryan Reynolds)
While Dino de Laurentiis was spending millions of Hollywood dollars on his lavish creation of King Kong, the Shaw Brothers of Hong Kong used spit, grit, baling wire and lots of stock film of terrified city dwellers pointing at the sky to bring you (cue major echo effect) The Mighty Peking Man!
Bad special effects, bad acting, bad script, cheap looking model set-ups, cheesy bloody special effects, sloppy continuity, mismatched color correction on the blue screen shots, the King Kong of Hong Kong … how could it go wrong?
Ha. Ha! HAHAHAHAHA! Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Mighty Peking Man’
Most of the Guys may be a little young to remember 1985-1986, the year when you couldn’t escape “We Are the World.” Well, I had to participate in several performances of it all the way up to 1989. (Some music experts credit elementary schools’ adoration of the song as the progenitor of “Kidz Bop.” Think about that.)
Well, the ghosts of Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie are at it again.
Dozens of “singers”–nearly twice the number of the 1985 recording–have been invited to remake the song, with a few modified lyrics, for Haitian earthquake relief.
You’re probably wondering why I think this charitable work is a bad idea (other than that I’m horrible person who hates everything). I’m glad you kind of asked: Continue reading Take it from Snee: We, the world, say enough