We’re back here again, in a news comedy column, avoiding talking about something horrible that happened a few days ago. It’s Friday, and we’ve had plenty of time to overload ourselves, so I won’t bum you out. I’ll just say that we need to make changes happen now, and I’ll move along to the funny stuff. If you were busy calling your boss a moron this week, odds are you missed it.
The final away message
AOL announced this week that it is shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all in December. Your parents were reportedly very upset by this announcement.
The woke yogurt
This week, yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”
The tomb of Santa Claus
Archaeologists this week announced that they believe they have found the tomb of Saint Nicolas in Turkey. They say his remains are likely in a church, and have further work to do to confirm it. So there you have it, kids: Santa Claus is real, he’s just dead. Sleep tight!
Sean Spicer is now the White House press secretary. You may have seen him yelling at journalists about the size of the president’s genitals recently. We know Spicer hates people who are paid to ethically report things that happen in real life, but he really hates Dippin’ Dots.
For most of this decade, Spicer has waged a one-man war on the self-proclaimed “ice cream of the future.” He first tweeted a broadside at Dippin’ Dots in April 2010, claiming that it is “NOT the ice cream of the future.” He didn’t forget it. Spicer tweeted a similar remark in September 2011, and then in November 2011 cheered and linked to a Wall Street Journal article about Dippin’ Dots filing for bankruptcy protection. Did Dippin’ Dots kill a member of his family or something?
Not one to let an old grudge go, in September 2015 he tweeted at a Washington Nationals game that “If Dippin [sic] Dots was truly the ice cream of the future they would not have run out of vanilla.” Which means that even though he hates the treat, he still went to order it and got turned away, which reminded him of how much he hates it. The man has a complicated relationship with this food.
We understand that ice cream is a serious matter. And running out of your favorite flavor can feel like a national emergency! We’ve seen your tweets and would like to be friends rather than foes. After all, we believe in connecting the dots.
Today we lose another valued member of the newspaper society. As many of you have no doubt heard by now, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (whose name seems a cruel joke about telling you news well after the fact) sells its final print edition today, after more than a century of service.
The P-I, as it is called, is switching to an online-only format and is the first U.S. newspaper to do so. The newspaper is not the first to go under in the recession, and countless more newspapers are teetering on the edge. It’s an inevitable drop that we have all seen coming for 20 years. And while we all are sad, it’s all our faults because we are the ones who stopped buying newspapers. Sure, they have steadily decreased in quality for years and get ink all over your hands, it’s our job as a society to buy these newspapers and support our journalists’ drinking habits.
On another sad note, it is my sad duty to announce that after today, the print version of SeriouslyGuys will no longer be available. We are switching to a Web-only format and experimenting with this whole “blog” fad that seems to be hip with the kids these days. You will be able to find us at www.SeriouslyGuys.com.