Tag: republican party

Santorum reminds swing voters he’s Republican

Former Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum delivered a speech at the Values Voters Summit in Washington, DC on Saturday. He made sure to remind potential swing voters that, despite the Gov. Romney’s economics-only campaign, Rick Santorum is also one of the faces of the Republican party, and without his pet issues, there is no conservative movement.

And just in case some of you “economic conservatives and libertarian types” disagree, Santorum called you out specifically. Like that girl you forgot to call back, he wanted you to remember that it took Bible-thumping, praying-the-gay-away conservatives like Santorum to deliver the 2000, 2004 and 2010 elections to Republicans.

Santorum promised he will continue to do as much as he can to make sure the GOP remains the party that “will never have the elite, smart people on our side,” by dancing loudly and furiously in the limelight.

Also appearing was Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who reminded the country that the most important imaginary issues are still

“calling a Christmas tree a Christmas tree. [Also:] not being afraid to salute the flag, wear a flag pin, say the Pledge of Allegiance, and sing the National Anthem, unashamed, with a tear in our eye.”

You can blame the media, which Santorum did, but the The New York Times didn’t elect these guys to office.

Republican celebs embrace third-party ghetto

She might be the best thing to ever happen to abortion.You know the media and losing party are still suffering from post-election depression when they make a big deal out of a congressional election in New York. The Guys are normally better than this, too, but the stupid is too strong to ignore.

Sarah Palin–like you didn’t see that coming–and Rick Santorum have announced their endorsements for the 23rd District Representative race. They’re not for the Republican candidate for 23rd District Representative, Dede Scozzafava, but for the Conservative Party candidate, Doug Hoffman.

So, this is where the leaders of the Republican Party are at: endorsing third-party candidates when their front-runner is pro-choice. You know, the same mentality that cost every Democratic nominee their election when hippies couldn’t compromise on environmental issues, socialism and whatever a Dennis Kucinich does.

So, thanks for the laughs and the coffee–an afternoon rush of Schadenfreude Espresso.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it your daily shameful joy.

You Missed It: Kiss my white ass edition

It’s March! That means we must be close to spring or something. The good news is that it just sounds better to say, it’s March. It sounds like things are much better than dark, dreary February. Some of you may be excited purely because March means March Madness. Well, don’t look for any college basketball coverage here. We tend to stick to the binge drinking that March is also known for. If you were busy playing in a meaningless international baseball tournament this week, odds are you missed it.

Off to a great start changing the face of the GOP
The newly-crowned RNC Chairman Michael Steele caused some controversy when he called AM radio pundit Rush Limbaugh an “entertainer” who is known to say inflammatory things. Limbaugh of course took exception to this, and did so on his radio show, which is also televised, for the entertainment of his fans and their “mega dittos.” Steele apologized this week. Limbaugh accepted, and then went back to making inflammatory statements like how he hopes the president fails.

But why does the funny guy get whacked?
Watchmen was released in theaters, amid much hype and fanfare. The movie, based on a famous really long comic book graphic novel, has been heavily anticipated since last summer or something. Rick and Chugs held hands in the movie theater together, but did not stick around afterward, claiming they had to clean up a bit. The film opened up to mixed reviews, ranging from “It was just like the book” to “Good god was that long!”

Jacko is still whacko but he’s backo
Michael Jackson announced that he would be performing 10 final shows this summer in London. The shows are expected to sell out what he calls his “I Need This To Pay My Court Fines” tour. He said he chose London for his venue because he is really looking forward to visiting Hogwarts. (What? You expected something non-child related in a Jackson story?)

Sorry, GOP

The Guys would like to apologize to the GOP for our recent vacation for Christmas. (Except Schools, who is a practicing Zoroastrian.) We didn’t know that our five days away from the Internet (two of which were our normal weekend) would leave you so desperate for comedy.

Indeed, Chip Saltzman thought he would bring the Republican party some yucks — and boost his own bid for party president —  with a CD collection of lame political song parodies called We Hate the USA.

Good News: The party didn’t wedgie him for the lamest form of political comedy since your mom discovered spam email.

Bad News: The party was forced to issue apologies en masse for the type of joke they normally let Rush Limbaugh tell for them while remaining an “independent.”

The offending song that made Republicans choke on their brandy and cigars? “Barack the Magic Negro,” a sendup of President-elect Obama’s electable qualities to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

So, once again, we apologize, GOP for leaving you high and dry. We can’t promise to not go away on vacation again, but you could just browse our archives.