UPDATE: Bikes only contribute more spandex to environment

Although bicyclists don't exhale enough CO2 to contribute to greenhouse gases, there is concern over the amount of performance enhancing drugs they leak into the French countryside every July.
Although bicyclists don’t exhale enough CO2 to contribute to the greenhouse effect, there is concern over the amount of performance enhancing drugs they leak into the French countryside every July.

In case you were wondering, riding a bicycle does not contribute a damaging amount of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere.

That announcement comes from the office of Ed Orcutt, a ranking Republican member of the Washington state House of Representatives Transportation committee, who recently had to retract a written statement claiming otherwise. In a letter to a bike shop owner, Dan Carlson, Orcutt defended his proposal to attach a $25 fee to bicycle sales over $500 by claiming:

A cyclists has [sic] an increased heart rate and respiration … Since CO2 is deemed a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclist are actually polluting when they ride.

What’s the deal? Are those who fail science doomed to run as Republicans?

There’s pro-life, and then there’s pro-looking busy at work

Some people kill time at work by playing Minesweeper. Republican congressmen do it by introducing anti-abortion measures into every single bill, relevance be damned.

The House GOP approved a Homeland Security spending bill that includes an attachment by Rep. Robert Aderholt, R-Ala, which prevents Immigration and Customs Enforcement from funding abortions for illegal immigrants. You hear that, ICE? Your days of aborting anchor babies are over!

… Except, as ICE spokesperson Barbara Gonzalez said, they have never funded or provided an abortion. Ever. Not even in that Planned Parenthood, “never with government money” way, but “even when we really wanted to because that baby was a terrorist.” (ICE already had a policy in place based on the Justice Department’s rule for the Bureau of Prisons that bars willy-nilly abortions.)

But, at least nobody can say Rep. Aderholt has never worked a day in his 15 years in the House. Technically, he’s worked at least one now.

Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

Longtime readers may recall that for three glorious days back in 2008, I was a legal subject of Her Royal Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II (long may she reign so that Camilla may not). Bermuda was a welcome vacation from the U.S. because it was an election year, but alas, the natives knew all about it and would ask tourists who we’re going to vote for.

What was most striking was that, although they knew the names, they still didn’t quite grasp the subtleties or history behind the American political parties or why one American would support one over another.

It is in the spirit of not knowing what a Tory or Socialist is that I’ve assembled this handy guide to the great and small political parties of these United States for foreigners and children. (For best use, please print this out onto a 4 x 11-inch note card, and keep it in your wallet with a magnifying glass.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. political parties to foreigners, children

Bullying is kind of religion’s thing

The Michigan Senate passed an anti-bullying bill, yet the father of the boy for whom the bill was named is unhappy, proving you just can’t please some people.

Kevin Epling, whose son Matt Epling killed himself in 2002 after being bullied, objects to a last minute addition to the bill by Republican senators that forbids schools from prohibiting any “statement of a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.” Epling believes this means that any old bully can still harass their fellow students and hide behind their religion.

But, Epling isn’t a Republican, so he just doesn’t understand why it’s important to protect, say, Muslim students declaring a jihad against Christian or Jewish classmates. Or vegan students threatening any student who participates in Biology lad dissections. What is Epling, anyway? Anti-La Raza or something?

Seriously, what a pussy. (Which we can say as a tenet of our Seventh Day Aggravist faith.)

Perry’s performance no longer debatable

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who described his participation in debates to Fox News as “mistaken” earlier this week, has to date only committed to one of the next three debates, leading to conjecture that he might skip them entirely. He’s been forced to publicly admit his performance in recent debates demonstrate that he is “not perfect,” which is a political euphemism for “dumb like the rest of you at this fair.”

His campaign manager, Ray Sullivan, said that they are “examining the opportunities and the opportunity cost” of each debate. But they have not, however, ruled out campaigning — even though Perry polled much higher when he wasn’t even in the race.

Republican field gains further quantity

Remember a while back when we brought you the poll results indicating that President Obama can only be defeated in 2012 by “Generic Republican Candidate,” all named candidates falling short?

We have found that candidate, right after he stepped out of his time machine from the 19th Century: Rep. Thaddeus McCotter, R-Mich.

T-had’s only possible obstacle is the values voters, who may suspect him of being a Harry Potter character.

‘Very fun fit classy’ congressman resigns

We’re only a month into our latest class of the U.S. Congress, and we’ve got ourselves a sex scandal!

Rep. Chris Lee, R-N.Y., resigned after a camera phone photo of his naked torso was leaked onto gossipy-bitch Web site Gawker yesterday. The married father of one had emailed it to a woman on Craigslist, looking for a date.

While we think it’s ridiculous that any elected official needs to resign for doing something stupid, yet not illegal, we do believe that it’s time to set an age limit on camera phones. Wouldn’t you agree, Mrs. Favre?

The Real Story: Earmarks possibly banned via earmark

No, the headline above is not a LOL; it’s purely observation of a phenomenon witnessed only in Washington D.C. and Mr. Magoo’s torture cellar:  clueless execution. And, as Sen. Tom Coburn, R-Okla. hoped, the Associated Press missed it in the midst of their story about an FDA bill.

“Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev. got an agreement to move the legislation by allowing Republicans to offer amendments not relevant to the bill. […] Coburn is expected to offer an amendment to place a moratorium on spending for ‘earmarks,’ or pet projects in lawmakers’ states and districts[.]”

Alright, technically, it’s not an earmark. But it sure ain’t a straightforward bill, neither.

Prove it by taking a shower with us

There are certain sentences that, when uttered, assure the world that you have no hope of ever winning your election:

  • “I don’t have to tell anyone where I buried her.”
  • “Is it just me, or are Laotians kind of smarmy?”
  • “I’m not a witch.”

Delaware Republican Senate candidate and late night television darling, Christine O’Donnell released a new ad, saying that she is–in fact–“not a witch.” She went on to claim that she is you.

Yes, you. Unless you’re a witch. Then she isn’t you.

… Or is she? Don’t look in the mirror!

Delaware’s suddenly a sexy state

The biggest election news this past week was the triumph of Tea Party candidate Christine O’Donnell in the Republican primary for one of Delaware’s U.S. Senate seats.

Immediately following her win, Democrats cackled with glee, believing they had locked up the crucial Masturbators Bloc. They based this on statements she made 15 years ago on MTV’s “Sex in the ’90s,” in which she snubbed masturbation as lust, wrong and making your wife’s handjobs seem bush league and amateurish.

But, O’Donnell clarified those statements in a candidate’s forum Thursday night, saying that her “faith has matured” since then, and that she will consider any issues from a constitutional perspective.

So, she either plans to amend the Constitution* to reflect her personal morality, or–after 41 years of being single–she’s finally embraced DIY.

*Speaking of: Hey! It’s Constitution Day!