Tag: republican

Dumbasses don’t deny dumbass claim

We’re not saying the Birthers are dumbasses, but Colorado GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck did.

Buck expressed frustration with the “dumbass” Birthers that keep showing up to his rallies and making the news. He told a Democrat operative that he wishes they would just shut the f@#k up, asking him or her to “tell those dumbasses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on camera.”

Fortunately for Buck, the Birthers are a voting bloc that’s too stupid to be insulted.

9/12 Project Colorado Coalition leader, Lu Busse, only noticed that her candidate used some naughty language [emphasis ours]:

“‘He could have not called us a name,’ said Busse. ‘It would have been better to say, “Why do these people” and he shouldn’t have used a bad name, but I don’t see it as he meant anything personal to me or to the other people in the Tea Party movement.'”

What a dumbass.

Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

New record in nomination remorse set!

It took less than 24 hours for Rand Paul to throw away his party’s lock on one of Kentucky’s U.S. Senate seats.

In two separate interviews on NPR and “The Rachel Maddow Show” on Wednesday, the just elected Republican candidate for Senate questioned parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act that forced privately-owned businesses to not be so openly racist.

(Examples of private businesses include taxis, power companies, gas stations, hospitals, banks and grocery stores. Just in case you’re confused.)

Mr. Paul clarified the remarks with a statement on Thursday, stating that he would not try to overturn the act. In addition, the National Republican Senatorial Committee tried to “help” by issuing a reminder in their statement that Southern Democrats opposed the bill back in 1964 … like Rand Paul? Is that what they’re saying?

We don’t often give advice to political candidates, so listen close:

SG Political Axiom #2
When someone asks if you–as an unelected candidate–support racial segregation, you’ve had 46 years to practice your answer: “No.” Don’t clarify. Don’t say it’s OK or unenforceable in certain situations. Don’t even say, “I’m opposed to segregation,” because that’s too many words. Just say, “No.”

Must’ve been all that sexy abstinence talk

When family values Rep. Mark Souder (R-Ind.) announced he would resign his congressional seat after his affair with a female staffer, we were surprised. No, not because it was with a woman. We were surprised because we assumed that Souder had no genitals.

But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that the staffer in question, Tracy Jackson, also resigned. Jackson’s job was to produce videos for Souder on the topics of family values–including marital fidelity–and abstinence until marriage.

The Guys wish Ms. Jackson all the best on the next phase of her career where she trains babysitters until she’s caught molesting a baby.

Doctor prefers Republican penises

Dr. Jack Cassell of Florida (where else?) put a sign on his door: “If you voted for Obama … seek urologic care elsewhere.”

Cassell defended his sign, saying that he’s not actively turning patients away, “but if they read the sign and turn the other way,” then it f#%king worked. So, if you disagree with the pee-pee doctor’s politics, then you’re just gonna have to care for your new Candiru yourself.

Personally, we applaud Cassell’s efforts. It’s not every day that a doctor let’s you know he’s lousy at his profession before you even walk in the door. That’s service.

Who keeps buying these books?

We didn’t read the Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama or Going Rogue by Sarah Palin. You know why? Because they just reached the point where their lives have received notice, deserved or otherwise.

Sure, autobiographies have to be written within a person’s lifetime, so there’s obviously some time for an update, but:

  1. Who cares how you got into the career you enjoy, especially politics?
  2. Can’t it wait until you’ve accomplished something other than win (or lose, in Palin’s case) an election? Or are these the new Nobel Peace Prizes?

Proving that no politician who makes the news is above this trend, nor are the idiots that eat these books up, newly-elected U.S. Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass.) has started shopping his life story out to publishers.

Red Madness sweeps U.S.!

In case your calendar doesn’t update to include every observation ever conceived by people with charities to fund, February 5 is National Wear Red Day.

National Wear Red Day was organized by the American Heart Organization, which doesn’t realize that red is already the color of:

  • HIV/AIDS
  • Communism
  • Wrist Awareness
  • Sixth Grade Literacy (What? You didn’t read The Red Badge of Courage?)
  • Republican Washington Nationals Fandom
  • Khurramite Succession Over the Mazdak Religion
  • Anthropomorphized Kool-Aid

Basically, we’re saying they could have received better notice if they chose a less used color.

By the way, we’re sorry that we reported everyone wearing red to the FBI for possible ties to Khurramite extremism. We got spooked by the sudden numbers.

Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

The past couple of weeks, I’ve examined the news, looking for topics for this column. There are certain subjects I’ve bypassed, not because I haven’t heard about them or couldn’t think of any quips, but the stories themselves were obvious bait.

I will argue (long after my identity is stolen, my friends’ profiles have devolved into mafia dens and virtual pastures and PayPal wipes out the human race to collect our debts) that the Internet is the greatest thing to happen to communication since the printing press. However, there is a seedier element that has spread from the online community into the established news media: trolling.

“Trolling,” for those of you who are just now joining Facebook, is the act of posting an intentionally inflammatory post in order to elicit a purely negative response. This is different from satire or parody because, when successful, the reader “sees what you did there.”

The latest top news items are trolling. Well, except Haiti …. Unless you’re Pat Robertson, but he’s God’s troll.

I fully realize that, by discussing these stories below, I’m officially not not writing about them. Just bear with me; there will be a point at the end.

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Try not giving a s#%t

You wouldn’t think 9/11 is news …

… but despite the country song about Afghanistan Iraq Iran Yemen, some prominent Republicans have forgotten.

So, to help Dana Perino and now Rudy “9/11” Giuliani have a new story to react to, SeriouslyGuys is posting the following news announcement:

Terrorists attacked three important U.S. landmarks with hijacked commercial aircraft: the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and Pennsylvania grassland on September 11, 2001 under President George W. Bush and New York City Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani.

Shortly thereafter, anthrax was found in the mail, addressed to the Toms Daschle and Brokaw. This was also called by then-President Bush a terrorist attack.

And in December of that same year, Richard Reid tried to bomb American Airlines Flight 63 with his shoes. He was found guilty of eight counts of terrorism-related charges and declared himself an agent of al-Qaeda in 2003. Bush was reelected to the presidency in 2004 and served an additional four years.

So, try to remember this time. We would’ve used the “Too Soon?” tag, but–based on your memory–apparently it isn’t.