It’s not a filibuster

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it's a filibuster.
Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., coaches his copilot through a fleet of Democrat senators as he tries to remember the code for blocking a cabinet nominee without letting on that it’s a filibuster.

The Republican members of the U.S. Senate might have an addiction. The first sign of any addiction is to hide it in plain sight, which is precisely what the GOP is attempting with their latest filibuster, this time against Secretary of Defense nominee, Chuck Hagel.

Knowing that their Congressional members already took a hit as the “Party of No” this past election, but unable to give up the sweet, sweet ride of holding their breath until the president goes away, they blocked the vote to confirm Hagel’s nomination. But, they’re adamant that it’s not a filibuster.

No, they’re claiming the vote was too soon, as Sen. Lamar Alexander, R-Tenn., put it. Or that they want to force the nomination to be approved by 60 votes, as Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Okla., stated outright. But, no, even though they’re blocking a vote they’ve spent weeks talking about (and trying to link to Benghazi), and even though they want to invoke cloture … it’s not a filibuster.

You know, guys, that the first step to overcoming addiction is admitting that you have a problem, right? And if blocking a cabinet appointment isn’t rock bottom, then the Guys don’t have a drinking problem when we start chugging the vermouth.

Leroy Jenkins not a credible reference for politicians

Colleen Lachowicz is a democrat running for state senate in Waterville, Maine and she also happens to play a lot of World of Warcraft. As per Maine Republicans, this means that she is more than unfit for office, and as such, the Maine Republican Party has set up an entire website dedicated to digging up old forum posts made by Lachowicz.

“Colleen Lachowicz is a Democrat candidate for Maine State Senate. In Colleen’s online fantasy world, she gets away with crude, vicious and violent comments like the ones below. Maine needs a State Senator that lives in the real world, not in Colleen’s fantasy world.”

Yes, this is an actual website set up by the Maine Republican Party.

This whole situation is hilarious in the “you can’t believe it’s actually real” hilarious, kind of like in the beginning for the replacement refs for the NFL. To use the fact that she plays World of Warcraft as a political dig against her? It’d only be an understandable claim if the woman played Second Life.

Republican Alabamians go full-Mormon for Romney

Knowing their state is a lock for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election, members of the Alabama Republican Party have gone full-Mormon. Their new initiative, Alabama’s Battleground Patriots, will send volunteers door-to-door in swing states, including Florida, North Carolina, Ohio and — oh, good lord — Virginia to spread the good word about voting for Romney.

So, it looks like certain Guys who thought they left this malarkey behind when they moved from Alabama to Virginia will be keeping their lights off and remaining as quiet as possible.

Also opposed to Christmas lights that untangle themselves

House Republicans have introduced a bill to repeal a nonexistent ban on the incandescent light bulb that President George W. Bush signed into law in 2007. According to Rep. Joe “I’m Sorry, BP” Barton, forcing light bulb manufacturers to produce energy efficient light bulbs (including the old Edison ones) that work with everything people currently use amounts to an attack on “personal freedom.”

It’s as if Republicans were acting out a metaphor about not understanding how paying a little more in the short term (fluorescent bulbs) means being able to save more over the long term (energy costs, not buying light bulbs for a few years).

The Audacity of Impersonation

In other Obama related news

The Republican Leadership Conference was recently held. While we’ll avoid the reference that old white men love having black guys do things for their entertainment, we will point out that a Barack Obama impersonator was hired for the event. That where the similarity to the first part of the previous sentence ends, as the joke may have been lost on more than a few of the attendees.

The impersonator proceeded to mock many of the GOP members hoping the next president, while also poking fun at the roots of the current president (to keep it fair, after all). But apparently, it was just too much to make fun of Michele Bachmann supporting a bunch of racists crazy people the Tea Party. Enough was enough, the mic was cut and the impersonator was given das boot!

Hey, GOP people: SG recommends that you get the guy from the Jerry’s Subs and Pizzas radio ads and utilize the technology that Conan uses. We’d support it.

Maybe number 5, letter ‘p’ can foot CPB bill

Do you smell that? In the air? No, it’s not (just) leftover Astroglide from yesterday’s Valentine’s celebrations. It’s the aroma of pennies being saved and earned in this year’s round of budget cuts!

The President has his plan, but Republicans have theirs; and theirs includes killing Sesame Street or at least forcing the simpler speaking Muppets into a voucher program. House Republicans want PBS, and NPR, off the government dole for what they perceive as over 40 years of unchecked liberal picture-moving.

You know what? They’re kind of right. PBS never really went out of their way to program shows that pander to conservatives. Maybe tax dollars shouldn’t help fund their programming if they ignore half of the political population.

And, so long as we’re trimming the politically-biased fat off of our pork, then perhaps it’s also time to eliminate churches’ tax-free status. After all, they cater almost exclusively to conservatives and even tell their donors how to vote.

Age-old foes: safety vs. jobs

Republican Senators want to know: what will it take to get Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar and President Barack Obama to reopen all U.S. offshore oil drilling sites. They are concerned about a 6-month moratorium on drilling that could mean lost oil jobs.

And they’re right: even though all offshore drilling safety has been overseen by the Mineral Management Service, an organization that is still under investigation for over 10 years of graft, we need to speed up safety inspections and put workers back on derricks.

Besides, this is about jobs. Every time there’s an accident, another oil job opens up!

You Missed It: Socialized hyperbole edition

Bryan McBournie is busy this week, currently putting neckties on cats and sombreros on frogs. He really likes sitcoms. As such, I’ll be taking over for your news roundup this week. This is because I’m not busy or swamped with work at the office now; that was yesterday. If you were busy being a former Alaskan governor being granted your own reality show, odds are you missed it.

You got health care in my government

Congress made a fairly historic move by passing a federal health care bill. As a result, nearly half of the United States is horrified by this move, claiming a victim status, with the other near half furiously defending the legislation with a righteous vigor. Truly, the only victims have the been rest of us and our Facebook feed, as we’ve been subjected to nothing but misspelled text arguments. Kids, there is no letter “U” in “federal.”

The games will continue

March Craziness (copyright Bryan McBournie) continues on into the Sweet 16 round. Most of the coverage has been spent on the vaunted Cinderella teams of Northern Iowa, Saint Mary’s, Cornell, Butler and Washington. A lot of news outlets will put a positive spin on these teams, nearly to the point of inspirational. Not this guy. Northern Iowa ruined my bracket for this year and if they go down in a defeat that gives the viewers leprosy, I’m totally fine with that.

Someone’s not living up to their title

A man from Russia managed to solve what’s been decided as one of the world’s most difficult mathematical problems. His reward for doing so? One million dollars and the title of the world’s most cleverest man. He has decided to refuse the money and go back to his cockroach infested flat in Russia. Sounds like someone ain’t quite so smart-like, ain’t’cha college boy?

Stupak is as Stupak does

Just when Democrats are showing signs of finally working around obstructionist Republicans over health care reform, Democrats are tripping over their own shoes again. Rep. Bart Stupak, D-Mich., wants the reform bill to ban all funding for abortion–including by private insurers–or he and 11 other reps won’t vote for it.

Abortion, a legal medical procedure, isn’t popular. We’re with Supak: we don’t like it. Let’s force people to pay for it out of their own pockets.

But that’s not the only procedure we have a problem with. We’d also like to see stringent language ban funding for:

  • Gynecology: In a way, isn’t it just gloved finger-rape of our wives and girlfriends?
  • Chemotherapy: Bald, sickly people give us the heebie-jeebies.
  • All Cancer Treatment in General: Almost all cancers are lifestyle-induced. How can we know if someone didn’t get cancer from smoking or kicking puppies?

As you can see, we are very morally opposed to these treatments. We’re so opposed, in fact, that rather than introduce a bill to make them illegal, we’d rather just charge the people who get them.

Congress is too manly for its own good

Are you tired of Congress? Does it seem like they just won’t get the job done, no matter who we send there? Do you believe lawmakers are no longer willing to work together on the issues? Sen. Evan Bayh, D-Ind., agrees with you, which is why he’s done with it all.

The problem with Congress today? They’ve got balls.

Yes, in an interview, Bayh said “testosterone poisoning” was part of a culture shift in Congress that has led to everyone hating everyone and picking sides. Well, that and reality television. Bayh also said “tribal” politics has led to our current situation. It is so bad that congressmen are organizing themselves into two groups, and every two years some people get voted out.