Tag: republicans

Ask Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?

Good day, eh? (I’m practicing my Canadian for when the country becomes socialist and I’m forced to flee.)

Anyway, I know I just gave you medical advice on Wednesday, so you’re probably wondering what this is all aboo–ahem, about.

As a doctor, I’m concerned about health care. As a male, I’m concerned with not being a father while I still have boat payments to make.

Right now, those two concerns are hand-in-hand, making a wringing motion so fierce that I won’t have the wrist strength to masturbate later. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?

Not the best comparison, dude

Since he brought the image to mind, we figured we'd share it with all of you.Surprisingly still Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford is facing an ethics probe into his travels.

The probe has been arranged by his Republican collegues in a mens’ room to look for mis-use of state resources and unreported sponsored flights.

In part 14 of the ongoing series–Now Why the Hell Did Mark Sanford Say That On Public Record?–Sanford told The Washington Times:

“I think I now know what Sarah [Palin] may have been feeling.”

Dude, if you’re going for the sympathy card, you should probably compare yourself someone that people feel sorry for.

The McBournie Minute: I am better than Barack Obama

You have probably heard a bit about President Barack Obama’s date nights with, in breaking with a proud presidential tradition, his wife. Unless you live in the Washington, D.C. area, trust me, you’re not hearing the half of it. Obama loves going out on the town, even having strolls around the White House grounds with Michelle.

Some people are making a big deal out of this. (Democrats: “Aren’t they just so wholesome and romantic? It’s like the return of Camelot!”) (Republicans: “How DARE he spend time on his marriage? Taxpayer money is for overpaying on unsolicited government contracts!”) (Celebrity followers: “OHMYGOD, THERE THEY ARE!!!”) Even comedians like Jon Stewart are saying the 44th president is making him look bad in the eyes of his wife.

But what everyone seems to be missing is the point: I am better than Barack Obama.

Let’s put aside the whole “leader of the free world” title and compare man-to-man. Because you know what? Obama unzips his fly the same as I do when it’s time to take a leak. Let’s measure up. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I am better than Barack Obama

Teabagging protests leave bad taste in public’s mouth

With several major banks posting gains last quarter and hopes for the end of the recession on the rise, now seems like the perfect time to protest the liberal bailout plan, right? That was certainly the conservatives’ point of view, and they were ready to show their displeasure with the liberal attempt to get out of the economic hole conservative fundamentals got us into.

As a grassroots movement, Republicans got organized and held “tea parties” yesterday because they were “Taxed Enough Already,” get it? TEA? But this time, for some reason, no one got dressed up as Native Americans like they did in 1773. However, Samuel Adams may have been in attendance.

At these parties, teabaggers (yes, that’s really what they call themselves) opened their mouths wide so they could be heard. They had no issue staying out all day standing around; in fact, they squatted down every now and then. They spoke for hours, expressing their displeasure with the way corporations were getting bailout money and the majority of Americans were scheduled to get tax cuts in 2010. As a show of solidarity, every Republican governor in the country told the U.S. Treasury that they don’t need the stimulus money heading their way–oh, wait.

(Courtesy of Katie T.)

Comedy writers prepare for June 8 Palin speech

Comedy writers ranging from The Daily Show to blogs like this and even your mom’s weekly “hee-mail” are cracking their knuckles, getting ready for a return to the good old days before economic reports and Jim Cramer.

For the first time since two weeks ago, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin will return to the public eye on June 8 as the keynote speaker at the annual Republican Senate-House Dinner. Writers are licking their chops, already backfiling graphics requests for Palin’s head photoshopped onto various scenes, like on an iceflow or at a klansmeeting.

In some cases, we’ve received reports of Web sites having already written their articles upon the AP news release. They figure Palin will rehash the latest GOP talking points, plus a few “alsos” and “such ases,” and the rest of their stories would only require minor edits from there.

We, here at SG, however, will just file our story now:

Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin.

He’s ‘coming out’ and you’re throwing a party? Really?

Look, GOP. We understand that it’s not your fault that, for the mostly anti-gay party, you’ve had your share of gay sex scandals. However, phrases like this about your new poster boy don’t help:

“‘The speech is very important. This is [Bobby Jindal’s] coming-out party,’ said G. Pearson Cross, head of the University of Louisiana’s political science department, who has observed Jindal‘s political rise.”

Just sayin’. We’re sure you’re much better at being Republicans than we are … not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Babies are depressing

As Congressional Democrats are trying to prove to the country, babies lead to depression, hence their provisions in the stimulus package for birth control education.

While most Republicans are scoffing at this notion, science has backed the Dems claim: the release of a placenta-produced corticotropin-releasing hormone (CRH) does, in fact, lead to post-partem depression.

Furthermore, once the baby is outside of the uterus, the depression becomes airborne, infecting other family members besides mom. The feces cause nausea, older brothers and/or sisters are no longer loved and Dad’s too frightened to ask for an HJ.

Every member of the family becomes a carrier of the baby and its depression, disrupting the bastions of American commerce:

  • Movies
  • Shopping Malls
  • Hospital Waiting Rooms (Pharmaceuticals)
  • Strip Clubs

Eventually, the entire economy grinds to a halt, all because of baby.

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president

Take it from Snee: What this election really means

It is the dawn of a new day, a Wednesday, here in America, now that we have managed to elect a President for the 44th time in our history.

There were some among you who doubted it would happen — that the votes would be inconclusive because everyone voted for themselves. I am happy to say that this was not the case, and the nation will continue to have an executive branch for the next four years … despite everything that branch has done the past eight.

Of course, there are also some people who are trying to assign more meaning to this auspicious occasion than I’ve already mentioned above. They mean well, but — like most people who mean well — they are wrong. Continue reading Take it from Snee: What this election really means

The McBournie Minute: This election is tame

A lot of people say that politics are ugly today. They aren’t. They are actually way, way more civilized than they ever had been in any other point of American history and you can credit that to gun restrictions and television cameras. Without those, it would probably still be a free for all.

Sure, things may be heating up between the Obama and McCain campaigns. We certainly have seen some nasty ads from Sen. John McCain and some responding spoken criticisms from Sen. Barack Obama. But really it’s timid, compared to what it has been in the past. Yes, politics in America may be more civilized than they ever had been. Hit the jump for more. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: This election is tame