Apparently spiders can live for 43 years

Most people aren’t sad when a spider dies. But scientists aren’t most people.

Australian scientists are in mourning today following the report that a spider they had been observing died at 43. It is the oldest a spider has ever lived. Number 16, a trapdoor spider, was born in the wild in 1974, probably with a bunch of brothers and sisters. It was the subject of scientific observation for so long because it lived in the same burrow its entire life. Researchers, and this is true, have expressed sadness at Number 16’s passing.

Fellow spiders said Number 16 always thought he was being watched, until he couldn’t take the stress anymore and killed himself.

Science finally finds a negative health impact from drinking

Pretty much every other day, heavy-drinking scientists come out with a new study declaring the health benefits of boozing it up on the reg. But did you know that there is actually a negative health effect?

According to a new study, drinking alcohol isn’t always good for you. In fact, it can mess up the balance of good bacteria and bad bacteria in your mouth. Researchers found that drinking alcohol tends to kill the good bacteria in your mouth, which could lead to health problems later in life.

So why not have another round? You’re probably been drinking for so many years that you’re doomed anyhow.

Scientists grow human brains in mice, doom us all

Science is fun and all, but it’s widely accepted that it’s slowly marching us all to the end of civilization. Consider this one step on that march.

Researchers have grown tiny human brains inside of mice, which are known to carry disaease. That’s not us punching up some boring study, they really did it. It’s the first time that scientists have been able to grow a human brain in another species, so, congrats? The researchers, who are deluding themselves, say this is a major breakthrough in stem cell research.

What is really means is that science is that much closer to making animals as smart as us. And when that happens, we’re in for it.

Support hangover research

Without accredited hangover clinics, sufferers will continue to concoct their own dangerous, unproven back-alley remedies like the Prairie Oyster.
Without accredited hangover clinics, sufferers will continue to concoct their own dangerous, unproven back-alley remedies like the Prairie Oyster.

Every weekend, countless Americans suffer from crippling migraines, nausea and apathetic television watching. Why countless? Because nobody is counting.

Hello, we’re The Guys, and we’d like to take a momentary break from comedy to talk about a serious medical crisis in this country: the hangover. We’ve all suffered them. And yet we know so little about them.

For instance: U.S. companies estimate that they spend over $148 billion dollars every year to cover paid sick days or lackluster, irritable performance while trying to “soldier” through a hangover. And while other illnesses are brought on by what some would consider irresponsible or even immoral behavior, like mono or tennis elbow, there is almost no funding allocated to researching this more common ailment.

But, we and Alyson Mitchell — a professor and John Kinsella Chair in the department of food science and technology at the University of California, Davis — want to change that. And we need your help.

By donating to the SeriouslyGuys We’re Doing Important Scientific Hangover Research Foundation, you’ll be providing The Guys with the means to pioneer career- and marriage-saving medical procedures. Every dollar you donate will go towards supplies for our experiments, which could one day lead to effective treatment or even a cure.

Please, give generously. We promise to try to keep it down.

[Special thanks to Patrick H.]

First struggling anything to not consider stripping

The town of Lead, South Dakota took a vote and decided not to allow nude dancing in its “downtown” regions.

South Dakota law allows for nudie bars, provided they are at least a quarter mile from residences, businesses or community gathering places, which in our books would mean “anywhere, including within itself.” Apparently, though, the law can be changed by local ordinances, and that failed to happen in Lead.

This decision could have really boosted Lead’s economy, especially since the town is home to the one of the largest shafts in the Western Hemisphere. The shaft is so massive, in fact, that scientists are able to research neutrinos and other cosmic phenomena inside of it. To really put this shaft into perspective, it is so mindbogglingly immense that your mom calls it on those weekends when you stay with your dad.

On second thought, maybe the people of Lead voted correctly.

Jerry Seinfeld was unavailable for comment

So. Airplane food. It sure sucks, right? With its horrible taste and small portions? It’s just atrocious!

I’ll stop right there as the rest of my stand-up bit has now become completely and totally obsolete. Science has figured out the ages old question most famously posed by comedians: airplanes are just too blasted loud for food to taste good.

Researcher Andy Woods noticed airplanes weren’t the only place where food had to be heavily seasoned to get any flavor, and he wondered about a possible connection:

There’s a general opinion that aeroplane foods aren’t fantastic. I’m sure airlines do their best – and given that, we wondered if there are other reasons why the food would not be so good. One thought was perhaps the background noise has some impact. NASA gives their space explorers very strong-tasting foods, because for some reason thay can’t taste food that strongly – again, perhaps it’s the background noise. There was no previous research on this, so we went about seeing if the hunch was correct.

The test subjects were blindfolded and given headphones that were either completely silent or fairly noisy. They were then fed sweet foods and salty foods, and asked to rate how intense the flavors were and how much they liked those flavors. In the noisier environment, the test subjects found food less flavorful but actually found the food quite a bit crunchier than those eating in silence. Woods believes this is because the background noise distracts diners, which makes people’s brains unable to properly concentrate on the flavor of the food. Since crunchiness has a noise component to it as well, that might explain why people notice it more in noisier settings.

Obviously, the next move for science to make is to find out just what the deal is with those little bags of peanuts.

X-Men Origins: Magneto

MIT, which stands for Mad scientists In Training, has released new research on the recently identified part of the brain that may control morality.

As they are wont, the scientists attempted and believe they were able to magnetically disengage this region in test subjects. In various experiments, the zapped subjects would appraise morally ambiguous scenarios based on the results rather than moral concerns.

For instance: when asked if it was acceptable for a man to let his girlfriend cross the Temple of Doom bridge, zapped subjects answered that it depended on whether she crossed safely or not.

When we asked MIT students if it was safe to bombard portions of the human brain with magnetic waves, they shrugged. “Well, we did get interesting results.”

How fat is baby? Soooo fat

It looks like even babies are starting to let themselves go, according to Dr. John Harrington.

Dr. Harrington has just released research of obese children’s  medical records that were gathered by himself and colleagues. They started gaining weight as infants, and 50 percent were overweight by age 2, and 90 percent by 5.

So, parents, if you want to reach your kids before they really pork out, maybe you should scatter some magazines around the house with idealized skinny kids. And make sure to add some passive-aggressive digs like, “Are you sure you want stringed cheese?” and, “It’s amazing how much bigger they make diapers these days.”

The pink elephant in the room

Americans have made great strides in quitting smoking … well, some Americans.

It turns out that a large percentage of modern smokers don’t support a daily habit nicotine habit, but smoke cigarettes “part-time.” Researchers are trying to figure out why people occasionally indulge in something that’s dangerous, tastes good, relieves stress and gives you something to do with your hands when surrounded by strangers. (In other news: people still eat Hot Pockets between trips to McDonald’s.)

But, of all the scenarios that The Wall Street Journal lays out, they left out the most obvious prompt for casual smokers to indulge: drinking.

It’s well known that booze and smokes go hand-in-hand. Alcohol shares all of the same benefits listed above with tobacco, but also blocks out shameful memories when you go too far with it.

What’s interesting, though, is that the article only focuses on cigarettes. Why not cigars or pipes? What about hookah? It’s pretty obvious that whoever did this research clearly does not smoke.

Maybe old people won’t get hearing AIDS

Flicking is commonly known as "The Italian Goodbye."

Good news, everybody! Researchers have discovered antibodies that keep HIV from evolving into full-blown AIDS.

As we all know, it’s not HIV that kills a person, but the multiplication of the virus that leaves the body unable to fight other infections, like the flu or jock itch. But, you can pretty much live with HIV for the rest of your life (however long that may be).

So, good-bye fear of AIDS! Hello, shared needles!*

*Disclaimer: The Guys don’t share needles without protection. We always inject ourselves through a condom.