If you have the urge to go out and kill some invasive species, Florida, as always, should be your destination.
The state, which is home to the annual python bounty hunt, is sending researchers to seek out iguanas and kill them by bashing their heads in. According to reports, iguanas have taken over much of South Florida, including many local governments. In an effort to fight back, state tax dollars are paying some scientists to go on an iguana murder spree.
Still think public funding for science is a waste?
We’re not sure why researchers focus so much on spanking toddlers, but we can excuse their fetish if they provide results (and show their math).
The latest round of surveys and behavioral observations indicate, once again, that spanking 3-year-olds will forge them into a kid-hating wrecking machines by the time they’re 5. And it’s about time science proved that there are benefits to the practice. Tough kids are known for:
- Always having exact change. Wimpy kids never have any change.
- Beating up kids you don’t like. We’re not allowed to challenge kids to fights until they turn 12, so this is our only legal loophole. (You’re dead meat, Kevin Milligan!)
- Hot dogs. Armour hot dogs.
Of course, if you’re still squeamish about hitting your kids, there’s always Spank Kata.
Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management researchers have learned something interesting about guilt: it makes you drink. For some reason, millions of Americans want to forget why they feel guilty, and nothing helps you forget like booze.
But did you know that undergraduates feel guilty about drinking underage and/or to excess? When shown Canadian (?) anti-drinking drinking public service ads, the teens decided they needed a drink.
American teens drinking to forget guilt-trips from our frozen, drunken neighbors to the north? Yeah, we’ll drink to that, too.
New relationships are exciting because they’re full of “firsts”:
- The first date
- The first kiss
- The first awkward transition into a 69 position
- The first proposal of a threesome, followed immediately by
- The first fight
But, there’s another first that’s livening up Canadian relationships (I know, Canada again?): the first transmission of the human papillomavirus or HPV.
According to a couple of studies published in in the January issues of the journal Epidemiology and the journal Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Montreal researchers found that 56 percent of their 263 female enrollees contracted HPV from their new boyfriends. 44 percent got the ones with extra sauce that can cause cancer.
The scary part is that 40 percent of those who used condoms still tested positive for HPV.
Of course, groin doctors asking patients if they used condoms is kinda like dentists asking if you floss. If they find something, you don’t want to give them “I told you so” ammo.
So, if you’re still wondering what to get your significant other for Valentine’s–just 30 shopping days left!–might we suggest looking down on yourself?
According to researchers, exercise may keep you young at a molecular level. They believe that exercise keeps telomeres, which are essentially aglets on the shoelaces of your DNA strands, long enough to prevent fraying and cell death (their analogy).
In fact, active test subjects were cellularly on par with inactive people 10 years younger.
So, if you’re 16 and trying to buy beer, for the love of God, don’t exercise. Avoid stairs, sleep in front of the fridge and brush your teeth with Cheez-Whiz (and don’t spit afterwards). Your only mission in life is to sit absolutely still while growing an almost perceptible mustache.