Literally the least any restaurant can do

"Mmmmm, cereal! I'm so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store."
“Mmmmm, cereal! I’m so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store.”

If there’s one way to tell someone is just barely capable of taking care of themselves as an adult, it’s whether they consider cereal an actual meal all to itself. Well, Kellogg’s is no adult, then.

The company that dares to call everything from Corn Flakes to Cocoa Krispies “part of a complete breakfast” is opening a restaurant on Times Square in New York City. As Starbucks does with coffee, Kellogg’s will sell single bowls of cereal for twice the cost of an entire 24-ounce box of Rice Krispies — with a couple of hipster chefs adding kale or some other bullsh*t to justify not opening and pouring your own breakfast like a sort-of adult.

While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.

Japanese nude restaurant: No fatties

The latest restaurant trend is nude dining. A London restaurant recently made headlines when it opened because its patrons are expected to dine completely naked. This trend is sweeping the world.

The next stop is Japan, where the idea of the nude restaurant has been improved upon. To ensure that no one loses their appetite, The Amrita will introduce a “no fatties” policy. Anyone found to be overweight will not be allowed to dine in the establishment.

The Amrita opens in late July, and in a rare display of taste by the Japanese people, patrons must be at least 18 to get a seat there. We can only hope the menu is tentacle-themed.

‘Happy Birthday’ free to you (but you still live in a zoo)

It's less training to sing "Happy Birthday to You," but the wait staff still hates you, Birthday Boy.
It’s less training to sing “Happy Birthday to You,” but the wait staff still hates you, Birthday-Boy-Over-Age-of-10.

People in family-style restaurants: rejoice! You’ll never have to hear annoying call-and-refrain alternate birthday songs while holding down some variation of jalapeño popper again. The 80 year copyright on the words to the “Happy Birthday to You” song is over.

Federal Judge George H. King ruled that nobody owns the words to the song, just a particular piano arrangement that was originally copyrighted in 1935. Warner Music, which obtained the copyright through purchases in 1988, had collected over $2 million a year by forcing movies, television, stage productions and even chain restaurants to pay royalties for performing it. (The latter was considered profiting off of the song, even though it’s more of a congratulations to anyone who survived another year of eating at Chili’s.)

So, get ready for a lot of television shows to have birthday episodes this fall. It’s about time Bart Simpson turned 11, anyway.

Justice … to go

After a month of terror, Britain’s long national nightmare is finally over.

The Fine Dining Dasher has been caught and will finally pay for his grand food larceny!

All told, Janis Nords has amassed 2325 pounds … on three unpaid dinner bills, which according to our American math equals $300 quadrillion. No one is quite sure how he managed to run after a 1000-pound French meal, but it probably lead to his eventual surrender to authorities.

Not so Happy Meal now

The San Francisco city board passed a bill that bans “restaurants from handing out toys with meals that fail to meet basic nutritional standards for fat, calories, and sodium.” The target of the bill is the McDonald’s Happy Meal, which famously lures children in once a week to get the latest plastic movie tie-in.

However, if San Francisco really cared, they’d get rid of McDonald’s Monopoly, which convinces stupid people to eat there every day.

Take it from Snee: Go ahead, make my wish

So, on the drive to work today I heard some shill for the Make a Wish Foundation plugging his product on the Go Fish Radio Network.

(That’s the better morning radio show in Huntsville, AL. Its predecessor was, I kid you not, a show called “Rick and Bubba.” They remixed songs that were popular eight years ago to include annoying southern girls and rooster calls. They were rejected from Huntsville like a microwaved baboon heart transplant.)

You’re probably thinking, “Oh god, you hate the Make a Wish Foundation?”

Short answer: yes.

Long answer: it’s a misguided program that supports the wrong clientèle at the expense of donors. (Long answer continues after the jump.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Go ahead, make my wish