Utahans may finally see drinks being poured

Flair is the devil’s acrobatics!

If you read this blog, there’s a fair chance that you don’t like in Utah. We say this because it sounds like Utah is an awful place for drinkers. For example, it’s a state law that bars and restaurants must pour your alcoholic beverage from behind a wall, so it’s out of your sight.

But that could all change, now that a state lawmaker has proposed a bill to end the so-called “Zion Wall.” Rep. Brad Wilson wants places that serve alcoholic beverages to be able to pour the drinks in an open area, as opposed to the current system, where the bartender could be putting his penis in your drink, for all you know. Instead, drinks could be poured in view of customers, but anyone under 21 could have to be 10 feet back from the area where they are poured. This is important, because even though they’re encouraged to marry by that age, there’s no reason why Mormons under 21 should see the sexiness of a drink being poured.

The Guys are firmly in favor of tearing down walls.

Never tip a server who gives you crabs

Finally, you don't have to tip the person calling you out on our most easily exploitable physical features.
Finally, you don’t have to tip the person calling you out on our most easily exploitable physical features.

The United States is a country founded on and has thrived on deviating from accepted practices. It’s the basis of our economic system, capitalism, which rewards those who provide the best value to customers. (Well, except for slavery. In that case, it turned out that lower labor costs didn’t outweigh cheap cotton. Or sharecropping. Or child labor. Or disenfranchised women’s labor. Or … you get the idea. Otherwise, capitalism good.)

So, we wish all the best for Joe’s Crab Shack, which will be the first major restaurant chain to do away with tipping, opting instead to pay their wait staff an actual living wage of $14 an hour.

Why Joe’s Crab Shack? Simple: would you tip anyone who gave you crabs?

This is the opposite of Dick’s Last Resort, where you don’t tip the servers because it only seems like a good idea to pay to be insulted.

FDA: Restaurants don’t know what they’re serving you

Somehow, fast food has reached our highest echelons of government.
Somehow, fast food has reached our highest echelons of government.

Even though we’ve put nutritional information on every food product sold in grocery stores for at least 30 years, our nation’s restaurants and grocery stores have successfully lobbied to delay posting calorie counts on their menus for another year.

The Food and Drug Administration delayed rolling out part of the Affordable Care Act due to ongoing haggling with food manufacturers over what a menu is, what’s considered a serving and what happens when someone “has it their way,” changing the calorie count. Basically, restaurants — and grocery stores that serve prepared food — would rather we believe that they don’t know what they’re serving us than admit what they’re serving us: surplus calories through added sugar and fat.

Restaurants of America: have some pride. You’ve convinced an entire nation¬†that cooking is too hard to do at home, yet pay minimum wage to those who cook for you. You set up play areas that you don’t have to clean by making your best child customers too obese and sedentary to play in them. And the chains (20 locations or more) that are targeted by this legislation run test kitchens to make food addictive, yet you don’t know how to count and post the calories in it? This is why we pass laws.

For better health, think outside the box

We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn't raised by what we thought the headline was about.
We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn’t raised by what we thought the headline was about.

There are ways to convince people to read about your research. And then there are headlines like today’s Headline of the Day: “Eating Out Frequently May Be Linked To High Blood Pressure.”

Congratulations, University Herald. You got The Guys to read about how young Southeast Asians who dine out at restaurants more than at home experience greater chances of hypertension.

But, you don’t want to see what we Googled after your disappointment.

Bonus, Really Out of Context Quote:

‘Our research plugs that gap.’


‘Not now, Mommy’s taking a selfie’

Modern parents kind of suck, don’t they? Individually, they’re nice people, but as a group, they’re insufferable. Plus, they all hate each other’s views on parenthood. Everyone thinks they know what they’re doing, which means that no one actually does.

We’ve got science to back up part of this. A recent study found that one third of parents remain glued to their phones when out to eat with their children. Amazingly enough, when their parents ignored them for Candy Crush, the kids tended to act up–which everyone loves in a restaurant.

So, parents everywhere: Treat your kid like it’s a real person. No one likes it when some strange child peeks over the bench and stares at them.

Kids everywhere: Spit up on your parents’ phones next time you’re out, it might make you a better person in the end.

What do you mean there’s more than just food?

Hold on a moment. Just hold the phone.

CNN, are you really telling us that there are restaurants out there where the entire place is blanketed with a theme–perhaps even one of the wacky variety–and that they actually manage to exist in this wide world of ours?

What a wild and truly blessed world we live in.

Virginia is for gun lovers

It’s a big day for RAM members in Virginia, as the House of Delegates has passed a slew of laws to ease gun enforcement in the Commonwealth. Among the best ones which passed the Senate and await signing:

  • Repealing the one-gun-a-month sales limit. Now you can buy all of your relatives guns for Christmas at the last minute.
  • Allowing “gun owners without a concealed carry permit to lock handguns in a vehicle or boat.” Because hiding a gun in your car or boat until it’s time to spring it on someone isn’t the same thing as concealing it.
  • Allowing “those with a concealed carry permit to take hidden guns into restaurants that sell alcohol as long as they don’t drink.” Thank God. There is nobody scarier than the drunk Happy Hourers in TGIFridays. It’s well-documented that bikers drinking Mojo-jitos at the Olive Garden are twice as likely to wedgie you than bikers at home.

But the greatest one of all, which must still pass through the Senate:

  • Banning “localities from being able to prohibit hunting within a half-mile of a subdivision, but allow them to prohibit hunting within a subdivision.” The deer have been allowed to use human shields for too long. Sorry, subdivision-dwellers, but you’re gonna have to put up with some friendly fire. We’re at war, and those who would sacrifice a little safety for liberty deserve neither.