This Wednesday marks Pope Benedict XVI’s last day on the job. The Guys are taking this a little personally, especially when you consider that we never expected to cover a pontiff’s entire term on a Web site.
But, we’re not the only ones experiencing loss. The outgoing Pope will lose his house, Latin decoder ring, fancy red shoes and his current title. He will, however, become our Pope Emeritus, which in a patriarchal faith like Catholicism means that we’ll have a new Pope and our old Pope that we have to spend every other weekend with at his new, less furnished apartment. (This is why Catholicism frowns on divorce and living ex-popes.)
The important thing here is to not think of this as the end, but as a new beginning. Plus: dude, two Christmases!
The question on everyone’s minds at this very moment–and don’t deny it–is, “Who should replace Larry King?” Rumored candidates include Piers Morgan, Katie Couric, Ryan Seacrest, Joy Behar and Anderson Cooper.
Really, rumor-mill? You can’t think of people who aren’t already helming their own shows and whatever a Piers Morgan is? (Is it a porn star? Does it f@#k bear markets?) You can’t think of someone who has been denied the chance to embetter America via the airwaves? Someone who promises more tears than Glenn Beck hosting an onion chopping festival with special guest rapper Nut-kickah?
Brett Favre must be a huge fan of The Clash, because he’s singing “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” again.
After his first “post-retirement” season, Brett the Jet is starting to think it’s time to trade his uniform for Wranglers. He didn’t make the playoffs, but he did throw 22 more interceptions, bringing his all-time league record up to 310.
As of the release of this story, the Cincinatti Bengals began reviewing their salary situation. Favre is still under contract for two more seasons with New Jersey, but that didn’t stop him before with Green Bay.
Brett Favre told the Jets that he will, in fact, retire … for at least this off-season. Stay tuned in case you give a rat’s ass.
Continuing the news trend of celebrity atheletes who don’t know what “retired” means, Lance Armstrong has announced that he and his remaining testicle are racing again.
His goal is to win the Tour De France again raise awareness for cancer. You probably haven’t heard of cancer. It’s the disease that killed your grandmother. No, not the one who was crushed by her horse. The other one. You were six.
As a service to these egomaniac atheletes who can’t stop unretiring, this blog would like to offer them a new word: vacation.
You know, when you go away for a little bit and relax, then come back after a certain period of time? Yeah, you’re not retiring, you’re on vacation.
Stop trying to bait the press with retirement rumors. Soon they won’t believe you and you’ll have to fake your death just to interest them again.