Tag: retired

Thank god it wasn’t a sex scandal

The Guys prepared for the worst when we heard the longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas retired in an uproar. Fortunately, there is no sex tape, just some anti-Semitism.

In a Youtube video last week, Thomas suggested that Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine,” and “go home” to “Poland, Germany … and America and everywhere else.”

Of course, the big issue for the other correspondents is her prime front row seat in the White House press room. Sides are already being staked out as the news reporters are suggesting that the seat isn’t appropriate for opinion writers.

See? It’s just like if you were forced to resign from your job for taking an nonobjective side in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

That over-50 fringe voting group

We’ve heard about every small swing-voting group this election:

  • The youth vote
  • Real Americans
  • Women
  • Closeted white supremicists
  • Terrorists (Who knew suicide bombers want health care?)

There’s one tiny group, though, that has been swept under the carpet, ignored for all intents and purposes … until today.

Yes, now the pundits are focused on what’s good for retired Americans, that plucky little band of people over 50, now including some 76 million baby boomers, who decide every election.

If you thought it was the NASCAR dads or the plumbers that counted the most this election, then the news managed to jerk you off this whole time. It was your grandpa that keeps sending you emails about secret Muslims who mattered. Don’t you feel silly for spam blocking him now?

Fortunately, there’s something you can do: support Proposition 268 or, as we’ve nicknamed it, Logan’s Amendment. Logan’s Amendment will send all of the elderly to a fabulous Carousel for the rest of their natural lives, where they will live in bliss until God calls them home.

Sound harsh? OK, well it’s that our you start calling in some birthday favors.