Nature finds way to create job openings

Don’t bother getting to know the new intern, kids. He’ll be dead by next pay period.

You may have noticed more entry-level positions requiring experience that people just entering the work force don’t have.

That’s because nobody can retire anymore, even though privatizing retirement through mutual funds and other investment accounts was supposed to make up for “unsustainable” pensions and social security. Which means many people of retirement age back in, oh, 2008, gradually moved into less skilled jobs in their companies, prompting job descriptions to change.

Well, as Ian Malcolm warned us in Jurassic Park, nature finds a way. Older people are now dying at a higher rate in the work place, even as workplace fatalities decrease. 35 percent of 2015 workplace fatalities involved workers 55 and older.

Now, the one question to settle: are they dying more due to accidents caused by “gradually worsening vision and hearing impairment, reduced response time, balance issues and chronic medical or muscle or bone problems such as arthritis” as gerontologists (or really old scientists) say? Or were they pushed?

Highway to the early bird dinner zone

“Every time you hit the links, you’re unsafe.”

While marketing for some other film we won’t see where Tom Cruise runs with knife hands, he announced that a sequel to Top Gun “is going to happen,” and “filming will begin probably within the next year.”

Now, before we all dust off our bomber jackets, let’s pause a moment. It’s been 31 years since 1986’s Top Gun. Sources claim Cruise and Val Kilmer will be in it. But, unless they’re admirals, they won’t be in uniform. (Well … shouldn’t be.)

So, if you’re still excited about Top Gun 2: Adventures in Contracting, where Maverick and Ice Man are from rival contractors vying for work in Naval Aviation Program Management Offices that buy new dongles for F-18s and Joint Strike Fighters, then you might be a very faithful Scientologist.

Baby Boomers will never, ever die

"I am Christopher Lambert of the Screen Actors Guild. I was born in 1957 in the region of Great Neck on the shores of the Long Island Sound. And I am immortal."
“I am Christopher Lambert of the Screen Actors Guild. I was born in 1957 in the region of Great Neck on the shores of the Long Island Sound. And I am immortal.”

Still irritated that their grandparents are the Greatest Generation, Baby Boomers have settled for being known as the Highlander Generation, in that

  1. They were old enough to see the movie Highlander in theaters back in 1986.
  2. They cannot die.

That’s what they seem to think, anyway, as over three-quarters of adults over the age of 40 believe that they will not require long-term care as they get older. Getting old? That’s an old person’s game, which, if you ask those same over-40-year-olds, will include nearly everyone else except them individually.

Yes, everyone else is getting older and dying except for you, aging Boomer or Gen X-er. You will be forced to conceal your special gift and harness it until the time of the Gathering, when the few who remain will battle to the last.

And why will you fight? For the Prize, which is to die disappointed at work sooner than you think.

Grandpa’s never been so happy

If you ever live old enough and can afford to retire, which if you regularly read this blog seems like an unlikely scenario, we recommend retiring in England, where assisted living facilities offer a bit more than their U.S. counterparts.

One such place, which promises a holistic approach to their care, is now hiring strippers and escorts for their residents. This, coupled with all those reports of all the old-people sex going on at retirement homes, makes us think that retirement may finally sound more like college than prison.

Another one bites the dust

Yukio Hatoyama is OUTTA HE-AH. Japan has managed to lose yet another Prime Minister fall after less than a year of service. Ever since Junichiro Koizumi, no man seems to be able to stand up to the challenges of managing the Japanese government.

Eight months since sweeping into office under the notion of “hope” and “change” from the Liberal Democratic Party (boy, that sounds vaguely familiar), the Democratic Party of Japan quickly quagmired itself on issue after issue, the most contentious internationally being the relocation of the Futenma base in Okinawa. Domestically, Hatoyama’s reign was cut off at the knees thanks to a number of corruption scandals and the DPJ’s shadow leader, Ichiro Ozawa. Squabbles were constant and the jaded public didn’t seem to care about that-but all the hope and change that was promised was not getting done.

Hatoyama said:

“Unfortunately, the politics of the ruling party did not find reflection in the hearts of the people. It is regrettable that the people were gradually unwilling to listen to us.”

The party plans to meet on Friday to choose a new Prime Minister, since the DPJ still holds a commanding lead in the Diet. Naoto Kan, the Finance Minister, and Katsuya Okada, the Foreign Minister, are the front-runners for the post. I’d personally like to voice my decision to nominate myself as Prime Minister of Crazy Stuff Land.

It’s not like I’d be any worse of a choice. Plus, my hair is a lot better than Hatoyama’s.

Super sweet Robocop style helmet not included.

When we think of robot exoskeletons, we think about some sort of a vehicle that carries two giant guns to help fight off the robots when they (eventually) gain sentience. I’m sorry to say real life isn’t that cool, because when scientists invent an awesome robot suit, they make them for farmers; not bloggers. Lame. This exo-suit was created by Tokyo University of Agriculture and Technology, and is tailored for the 40% of Japan’s workers who are over 65.

This actually makes perfect sense. What is going to happen to Japan when 40% of its farmers retire? It is not going to be pretty. Thus any technology to keep those old people working and not me is definitely something to look into. This machine will help them with constantly having to bend over and lift (semi) heavy objects. Anything to make work easier is definitely something I can get behind. See, Japan, this is putting your scientific knowledge to proper use, as opposed to creating exo-suits of robotic destruction or massive robotic animals.

Guest Post: John Madden on retiring

SeriouslyGuys is excited to receive our first guest post since Jay Leno’s writers back in 2008: John Madden. Mr. Madden wanted to talk about his retirement from football announcing and what this means for the sport, viewers, himself and Monday nights.

Hi, John Madden here. If you picked up an Internet news site today, then you probably already know that I gave a press conference, in which I told the press that I’m retiring from announcing football games for television.

Now, in order to retire from announcing football games for television, that means I have to stop doing programs like Monday Night Football. The key step here is to prevent myself from going to the games, putting on makeup and sitting in front of the cameras and microphone in the broadcasting booth. Also, I’m not really retired if I make any play-by-play calls while wearing a lapel microphone. Those count, too, you know.

So, this retirement means that viewers will no longer see and/or hear me calling the plays during the game, which is where I watch the game with you and tell you what’s happened. At this point, the viewers will have no choice but listen to and watch someone else, who will do what I’ve just described — but with a different voice.

What does this mean for me? I’ll tell you what this means: I’ll have to watch football like a normal man, which means I will drive my friends and family insane by describing every action in the game to them like I would on television. But remember, I won’t be on television. Unless I get one of those video camera/TV displays from Sears. Then I’ll be on TV, but on a separate one from the game or on picture-in-picture (PIP).

Also, I won’t be able to do the scribble arrows thing anymore without a dry erase marker.

This retirement from all football game announcing means that I will also no longer appear on Monday Night Football. This is because the Monday night game is still a football game, only on a Monday night instead of a Sunday afternoon or night, Saturday night or the occasional Tuesday or Thursday night game.

In closing, this means that I will no longer be paid by NBC to talk about the plays during the game, which must occur for it to be considered a game or there’s a penalty for delay of game. (That’s when a team delays the game by failing to commence a play before the play clock reaches 0.)

Good night, unless it’s not night where you are, in which case, the sun is still up or it is not after 5 pm.

Here he goes (or not) again

Brett Favre must be a huge fan of The Clash, because he’s singing “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” again.

After his first “post-retirement” season, Brett the Jet is starting to think it’s time to trade his uniform for Wranglers.  He didn’t make the playoffs, but he did throw 22 more interceptions, bringing his all-time league record up to 310.

As of the release of this story, the Cincinatti Bengals began reviewing their salary situation. Favre is still under contract for two more seasons with New Jersey, but that didn’t stop him before with Green Bay.

Update (2/11/2009):
Brett Favre told the Jets that he will, in fact, retire … for at least this off-season. Stay tuned in case you give a rat’s ass.

‘Retirement’ redefined?

Continuing the news trend of celebrity atheletes who don’t know what “retired” means, Lance Armstrong has announced that he and his remaining testicle are racing again.

His goal is to win the Tour De France again raise awareness for cancer. You probably haven’t heard of cancer. It’s the disease that killed your grandmother. No, not the one who was crushed by her horse. The other one. You were six.

As a service to these egomaniac atheletes who can’t stop unretiring, this blog would like to offer them a new word: vacation.

You know, when you go away for a little bit and relax, then come back after a certain period of time? Yeah, you’re not retiring, you’re on vacation.

Stop trying to bait the press with retirement rumors. Soon they won’t believe you and you’ll have to fake your death just to interest them again.

How To: Retire from professional sports

Some sports stars are not really sure on when they should call it quits. Some retire and come back, while others do it so gracefully no one even knows they left the game (at least that’s what they tell themselves, it’s really that no one cares if they leave).

A recently study we imagined shows that nearly 85 percent of literate athletes (34 total in the U.S.) read SG. With that in mind, The Guys bring you how to retire from professional sports. Continue reading How To: Retire from professional sports