Perry creates job at Department of Energy

“I just created a job! You’re welcome, America.”

Rick Perry begins the confirmation process Thursday for a position that, had he won the presidency in 2012, would not exist today: leading the Department of Energy. In 2011, he felt that the DOE had only one function — giving oil barons migraines — but, he’s changed his tune now that he discovered one more function: giving him a job.

‘My past statements made over five years ago about abolishing the Department of Energy do not reflect my current thinking,’ Perry said in prepared remarks planned for delivery at his confirmation hearing. ‘In fact, after being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.’

In Perry’s defense, he never actually said that he would get rid of the only serious job offer he’s received since putting on nerd specs for his LinkedIn profile picture. He said he would eliminate “Commerce, Education and the um …”

See? The DOE lives thanks to the leadership presented by then failed presidential candidate Perry. So, when you think about it, who better to usher it into its post-relevancy era?

You Missed It: Plugged in edition

All hacking-related stock photos are hilarious, but the Hackers poster is still the best.

Late night talk shows have to have celebrity gimmicks now. They’re all doing games with celebrities, or singing in cars with celebrities, or doing fake singing competitions with celebrities. These things are funny once or twice, but after a while the shows lean on them like a crutch. I don’t know, I’m a sucker for comedy writing. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe Jay Leno wasn’t so bad. If you were busy waiting to go see a Star Wars movie that’s about Star Wars but not one of the real, numbered Star Wars movies this week, odds are you missed it.

Report: Trump was right about the election being rigged
This week, the FBI backed a CIA report that Russia hacked the U.S. presidential election in favor of a Trump victory. It’s also been reported that Russian President Vladimir Putin was involved in the decision to hack. But Republicans have decided it’s not a concern, as they cannot find a way to blame Hillary Clinton for it, yet.

Stocking the Cabinet
President-elect Donald Trump announced that he will nominate former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to head the Department of Energy, or as Perry calls it, “The uh, ummmm, the–I can’t, oops.” Trump also nominated ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, a friend of Putin, for secretary of state, rejecting a CIA report claiming Tillerson had been hacked by the Russians.

Optimism is overrated
And finally, a new report this week found that trying to always find the silver lining when things don’t go your way could actually bad for you. If that’s the case, 2016 has been a landmark year in mental health.

You Missed It: End of transition edition

"Crazy woman driver" should round out the sexist things she's been called.
“Crazy woman driver” should round out the sexist things she’s been called.

National Doughnut Day is about as American a holiday as any non-Super Bowl day can get. But its roots go back a century. During World War I, women from the Salvation Army gave out doughnuts to American soldiers to keep up morale, and probably to remind the boys on the front what a woman looked like. Just picture Ernest Hemingway driving an ambulance near the front lines, drunkenly chomping on a doughnut and trying to avoid driving into a trench. If you were busy campaigning for the female version of Viagra this week, odds are you missed it.

Mercifully, her name is “K” -free
Former Olympian and reality show cameo artist Bruce Jenner this week appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, announcing that her transition to a woman is complete, and that she now goes by Caitlyn. The cover was celebrated in the LGBT community, and panned by the people on Facebook you knew would say something stupid. But the biggest controversy that has risen since Caitlyn’s transition? You guess it, whether they’re going to rename Bruce Jenner Lane in Austin, Texas.

Blatter deflated
Sepp Blatter announced he will resign as president of FIFA at some point in the future, and that he his cooperating with the authorities looking into the international soccer organization. He said he’d be happy to name names in the corruption investigation as long as “the FBI makes it worth my while, if you know what I mean.”

He means it this time
This week, former Texas Gov. Rick Perry announced he’s running for president. Kicking off a campaign that will need to curry favor with the public, the media and potential corporate backers, in seeking a public position bounded by a document that lays out a series of checks and balances, Perry played a country-rap song called “Answer to No One.” Between the glasses and the ironic choice in music, Rick Perry is your leading hipster candidate.

Vote Anakin Skywalker in 2016

Begun, the presidential campaign has.

A recent survey found that most people favor Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Yoda above all other Star Wars characters. Even Darth Vader and Boba Fett polled more favorably than any the prospective 2016 presidential candidates. Even Emperor Palpatine polled higher than the likes of Paul Ryan, Rick Perry, Elizabeth Warren, or fellow Star Wars character Scott Walker.

The American people still don’t like Jar Jar Binks, though.

Perry: Not a king, so not guilty?

"Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow he divine right of kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests."
“Your honor, I ask you: would God bestow The Divine Right of Kings upon a guy in Rachel Maddow glasses? The defense rests.

Lawyers for Texas Gov. Rick Perry began court proceedings with an interesting argument to dismiss charges of abuse of power: he couldn’t have done it because he’s not a king or emperor.

A Texas Governor is not Augustus traversing his realm with a portable mint and an imperial treasure in tow; he no more has custody or possession of the State’s general revenue funds than does any Texan. No governor can say of his or her state what the Sun King said of France: ‘L’etat c’est moi.’

Case closed. If the crown does not fit, then you must acquit.

In other news, it looks like former King Robert and Queen Maureen McDonnell — first of their names — of Virginia will probably not eat much cake in prison for their abuses of power.

You Missed It: Illiterati edition

Copernicus also taught us that the sun has a face.
Copernicus also taught us that the sun has a face.

Well this sucks. Yesterday, the women’s U.S. Olympic hockey team lost to Canada after being up by two goals. Today, the U.S. men’s team lost to Canada 1-0. The women won the silver medal, the best the men can now hope for is bronze. It’s not like team USA has done horribly, it’s just the agony of losing to those Molson-sippers twice in two days. If you were busy announcing an alternate version of your movie this week, odds are you missed it.

The universe revolves around us
Americans are good at a lot of things, but according to a new survey, science isn’t one of them. The National Science Foundation found that only 74% of Americans know that Earth revolves around the sun, and only half know that humans evolved from earlier species. This is why scientific polls should never be conducted in the state of Kentucky.

It’s a repeat
Jimmy Fallon took over as host of The Tonight Show this week, following what is surely going to be the temporary retirement of Jay Leno. His first week on the job was marked by celebrity cameos and high ratings. Hey, has anyone checked on Conan O’Brien? Someone should give him a hug.

Racism rocks in Texas
Rock ‘n roll senior citizen and self-proclaimed crazy person Ted Nugent this week called President Barack Obama a “subhuman mongrel” while on the campaign trail for Texas attorney general. At first, local politicians defended the Nuge, saying he was simply exercising his 1st Amendment rights, but soon, liberals like Gov. Rick Perry and Sen. Rand Paul called for an apology. Uncle Ted eventually apologized, saying that after personal reflection, he was wango tango sorry.

Perry loses critical Thanksgiving endorsement

Not satisfied with letting Newt Gingrich offend the entire African-American community here in the U.S., Texas Gov. Rick Perry set his sites higher and offended an entire country.

Perhaps considering its own run in the Republican presidential primary, Turkey condemned attacks by Gov. Perry at the recent South Carolina GOP debate. He accused the country of “being ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists,” and suggested the best way to remedy that is to cut off their foreign aid.

It should be noted that foreign aid to Turkey was originally part of the Marshall Plan to repair their post-World War II economy and stop the spread of communism, which should prompt Republican voters to ask why Perry is soft on communism.

The Iowa Republican Caucus Results

The results from the Iowa Republican Caucus are in!

1. Mitt Romney won with 24.6 percent of the vote, proving that you get more bees with vanilla because you never know which bees are allergic to nuts.

2. Rick S@ntorum (SFW spelling) came in a close second, but he’s the only candidate of the top three to not make the Virginia primary ballot. This could spell trouble due to the state’s longstanding policy of existing “for lovers, just — you know — not like that.”

3. Ron Paul finished third, only three percentage points behind the two leaders. He celebrated by throwing another ghost writer under the bus.

4. Newt Gingrich leads the bottom of the pack, which Newt explained makes sense since winning votes is not a popularity contest like for “senior class president.” He still plans to score the prom queen’s panties before Nov. 2, though, just to be safe.

5. Rick Perry just barely made it into double digits, which he proudly counted with both hands.

6. Michele Bachmann was last candidate to finish with full percentage points. She has suspended her campaign to harass gays at home.

7. John Huntsman manage to edge out Herman Cain, Buddy Roemer, “meh” and “none of the above” despite skipping Iowa to campaign in New Hampshire.

Results came from Google, courtesy of the AP.

Perry’s performance no longer debatable

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who described his participation in debates to Fox News as “mistaken” earlier this week, has to date only committed to one of the next three debates, leading to conjecture that he might skip them entirely. He’s been forced to publicly admit his performance in recent debates demonstrate that he is “not perfect,” which is a political euphemism for “dumb like the rest of you at this fair.”

His campaign manager, Ray Sullivan, said that they are “examining the opportunities and the opportunity cost” of each debate. But they have not, however, ruled out campaigning — even though Perry polled much higher when he wasn’t even in the race.

Choosy scientists don’t choose Rick Perry

Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t had the best month. Oh sure, he can try to make himself out to be a media darling, but when your closest competition for the longest time was a stiff board, well, eventually people were going to begin putting him into perspective. This is not even including Perry attempting to get HPV vaccinations made mandatory while slashing the budgets of Planned Parenthood all across the state or a little documentary that has begun to call into question the decision-making skills of the guy.

Well, it’s not gonna get any easier here, Dicky-boy.

A large amount of scientists created a report on the current state of Galveston Bay, as asked by Rick Perry’s Administation. It was rumored that the report would have landmark consequences. We won’t know, though. Perry’s administration decided to remove mentions of climate change and sea-level rise from the report, which has led to a group of the scientists protesting the now edited report and asking to have their names removed from it under the grounds of scientific censorship.

And by group, I mean all 200 of the scientists related to the report.

“It is basically saying that the state of Texas doesn’t accept science results published in Science magazine,” Anderson said. “That’s going pretty far.”

Have nerds gotten wilier since the days of Ogre, or are Texas officials just dumber?