Perry loses critical Thanksgiving endorsement

Not satisfied with letting Newt Gingrich offend the entire African-American community here in the U.S., Texas Gov. Rick Perry set his sites higher and offended an entire country.

Perhaps considering its own run in the Republican presidential primary, Turkey condemned attacks by Gov. Perry at the recent South Carolina GOP debate. He accused the country of “being ruled by what many would perceive to be Islamic terrorists,” and suggested the best way to remedy that is to cut off their foreign aid.

It should be noted that foreign aid to Turkey was originally part of the Marshall Plan to repair their post-World War II economy and stop the spread of communism, which should prompt Republican voters to ask why Perry is soft on communism.

The Iowa Republican Caucus Results

The results from the Iowa Republican Caucus are in!

1. Mitt Romney won with 24.6 percent of the vote, proving that you get more bees with vanilla because you never know which bees are allergic to nuts.

2. Rick S@ntorum (SFW spelling) came in a close second, but he’s the only candidate of the top three to not make the Virginia primary ballot. This could spell trouble due to the state’s longstanding policy of existing “for lovers, just — you know — not like that.”

3. Ron Paul finished third, only three percentage points behind the two leaders. He celebrated by throwing another ghost writer under the bus.

4. Newt Gingrich leads the bottom of the pack, which Newt explained makes sense since winning votes is not a popularity contest like for “senior class president.” He still plans to score the prom queen’s panties before Nov. 2, though, just to be safe.

5. Rick Perry just barely made it into double digits, which he proudly counted with both hands.

6. Michele Bachmann was last candidate to finish with full percentage points. She has suspended her campaign to harass gays at home.

7. John Huntsman manage to edge out Herman Cain, Buddy Roemer, “meh” and “none of the above” despite skipping Iowa to campaign in New Hampshire.

Results came from Google, courtesy of the AP.

Perry’s performance no longer debatable

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who described his participation in debates to Fox News as “mistaken” earlier this week, has to date only committed to one of the next three debates, leading to conjecture that he might skip them entirely. He’s been forced to publicly admit his performance in recent debates demonstrate that he is “not perfect,” which is a political euphemism for “dumb like the rest of you at this fair.”

His campaign manager, Ray Sullivan, said that they are “examining the opportunities and the opportunity cost” of each debate. But they have not, however, ruled out campaigning — even though Perry polled much higher when he wasn’t even in the race.

Choosy scientists don’t choose Rick Perry

Texas Governor Rick Perry hasn’t had the best month. Oh sure, he can try to make himself out to be a media darling, but when your closest competition for the longest time was a stiff board, well, eventually people were going to begin putting him into perspective. This is not even including Perry attempting to get HPV vaccinations made mandatory while slashing the budgets of Planned Parenthood all across the state or a little documentary that has begun to call into question the decision-making skills of the guy.

Well, it’s not gonna get any easier here, Dicky-boy.

A large amount of scientists created a report on the current state of Galveston Bay, as asked by Rick Perry’s Administation. It was rumored that the report would have landmark consequences. We won’t know, though. Perry’s administration decided to remove mentions of climate change and sea-level rise from the report, which has led to a group of the scientists protesting the now edited report and asking to have their names removed from it under the grounds of scientific censorship.

And by group, I mean all 200 of the scientists related to the report.

“It is basically saying that the state of Texas doesn’t accept science results published in Science magazine,” Anderson said. “That’s going pretty far.”

Have nerds gotten wilier since the days of Ogre, or are Texas officials just dumber?