Santorum reminds swing voters he’s Republican

Former Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum delivered a speech at the Values Voters Summit in Washington, DC on Saturday. He made sure to remind potential swing voters that, despite the Gov. Romney’s economics-only campaign, Rick Santorum is also one of the faces of the Republican party, and without his pet issues, there is no conservative movement.

And just in case some of you “economic conservatives and libertarian types” disagree, Santorum called you out specifically. Like that girl you forgot to call back, he wanted you to remember that it took Bible-thumping, praying-the-gay-away conservatives like Santorum to deliver the 2000, 2004 and 2010 elections to Republicans.

Santorum promised he will continue to do as much as he can to make sure the GOP remains the party that “will never have the elite, smart people on our side,” by dancing loudly and furiously in the limelight.

Also appearing was Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who reminded the country that the most important imaginary issues are still

“calling a Christmas tree a Christmas tree. [Also:] not being afraid to salute the flag, wear a flag pin, say the Pledge of Allegiance, and sing the National Anthem, unashamed, with a tear in our eye.”

You can blame the media, which Santorum did, but the The New York Times didn’t elect these guys to office.

Take it from Snee: Lent Edition

If you’re of the Catholic persuasion, then you know that we are one week deep into Lent.

For everyone else: every year, shortly after Valentine’s Day, the Almighty decides that he’s tired of putting in all the work into this relationship — including that freaky four-way with his son and a ghost we asked for. After Mardis Gras, God sobers up and turns into the princess from A Knight’s Tale and asks us to prove our love by giving up something we love for 40 days.

I, for instance, gave up the slide whistle this year, which means 40 days of stern erections: a price my wife will just have to pay. In prior years, I’ve given up monologuing in the shower, checking my tissues for productive noseblowings and Chalupas because

  1. It has to be something difficult to live without. (I ate nothing but Gorditos in 1998 to keep to my non-Chalupa agreement.)
  2. It can’t be a repeat.

But, you don’t have to be Catholic to participate. In fact, Muslims have their own version, Ramadan, while Evangelical Protestants swear off of gay sex for their entire lives — which often leads to failure for extending it beyond the Lent season.

It is in this Christian spirit that I’ve prescribed some Lent suggestions to others. Who knows? Maybe it will change their lives permanently for the better. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Lent Edition

The Iowa Republican Caucus Results

The results from the Iowa Republican Caucus are in!

1. Mitt Romney won with 24.6 percent of the vote, proving that you get more bees with vanilla because you never know which bees are allergic to nuts.

2. Rick S@ntorum (SFW spelling) came in a close second, but he’s the only candidate of the top three to not make the Virginia primary ballot. This could spell trouble due to the state’s longstanding policy of existing “for lovers, just — you know — not like that.”

3. Ron Paul finished third, only three percentage points behind the two leaders. He celebrated by throwing another ghost writer under the bus.

4. Newt Gingrich leads the bottom of the pack, which Newt explained makes sense since winning votes is not a popularity contest like for “senior class president.” He still plans to score the prom queen’s panties before Nov. 2, though, just to be safe.

5. Rick Perry just barely made it into double digits, which he proudly counted with both hands.

6. Michele Bachmann was last candidate to finish with full percentage points. She has suspended her campaign to harass gays at home.

7. John Huntsman manage to edge out Herman Cain, Buddy Roemer, “meh” and “none of the above” despite skipping Iowa to campaign in New Hampshire.

Results came from Google, courtesy of the AP.

People in glass bathhouses

Rick S@ntorum,* whose three-step policy plan consists of:

Step One: Banning homosexuality and abortion with federal laws.

Step Two: […]

Step Three: Profit!

launched an attack on Herman Cain’s conservatism today after Pizza Godfather Cain told CNN that — while he personally disagrees with abortion and would carry any baby inside of him to term — he would not allow that opinion to dictate policy if he were elected president.

“The government shouldn’t be trying to tell people everything to do, especially when it comes to social decisions that they need to make,” said Cain.

S@ntorum pounced onto that, telling the Associated Press that Cain is misleading voters about his conservative credentials:

“It’s basically the position that just about every pro-choice politician has in America. I don’t know too many pro-choice politicians who are for abortion, who want more abortions … but they say the decision is a choice the government shouldn’t be involved in.”

We asked an even more conservative person about S@ntorum’s comments, and he felt that Rick, too, is misleading voters about his conservative credentials. He pointed out that S@ntorum has yet to speak out against shellfish, campaigning on Sundays and tolerating the sight of menstruating women.

*SeriouslyGuys.com has a “zero profanity” posting policy in an effort to keep our inanity safe for work.

Fresh PR move of the day

A huge announcement was made today, which could really change the game for someone with a bit of a “Google problem.”

No, that “someone” isn’t Rick S@ntorum. Even as a comedy site, we still try to focus on viable presidential candidates. (And we’ve written about both Palin and Trump in our archives.) Plus, we’re trying to stay Safe For Work.

We’re actually talking about Cleveland, which has been trying to shake off what we assume started as an innocent reference to their carpet cleaning business. But, will this latest attempt work, and is it worth it?

Republican celebs embrace third-party ghetto

She might be the best thing to ever happen to abortion.You know the media and losing party are still suffering from post-election depression when they make a big deal out of a congressional election in New York. The Guys are normally better than this, too, but the stupid is too strong to ignore.

Sarah Palin–like you didn’t see that coming–and Rick Santorum have announced their endorsements for the 23rd District Representative race. They’re not for the Republican candidate for 23rd District Representative, Dede Scozzafava, but for the Conservative Party candidate, Doug Hoffman.

So, this is where the leaders of the Republican Party are at: endorsing third-party candidates when their front-runner is pro-choice. You know, the same mentality that cost every Democratic nominee their election when hippies couldn’t compromise on environmental issues, socialism and whatever a Dennis Kucinich does.

So, thanks for the laughs and the coffee–an afternoon rush of Schadenfreude Espresso.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it your daily shameful joy.