All in all, having a penis is pretty great. It makes it easy to pee anywhere, gives us something to play with when our phone battery dies and guarantees our voices will be heard in any meeting or election.
But, privilege acknowledged, nobody considers the relatively few, but none-the-less devastating challenges of having a penis, the hurdles it can prevent us from clearing. And, in Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita’s case, we mean literal hurdles.
Ogita was knocked out of the first round of the Olympics pole vault competition in Rio when he nearly cleared a height of 5.3 meters (17.3 feet). Though his leg and shin made contact with the bar, it remained in place. No, it was his penis that pulled it — and his Olympic dreams — back to earth.
The 2016 Rio Olympics are finally here, and it’s going to be a literal s&%$ show. From the toxic water, to the incomplete facilities and the guest appearance of the Zika virus, this just isn’t looking good. Given what we’ve seen so far, I will be shocked if we don’t see some sort of major security or public health issue arise as a result of these games. Maybe we need to stop doing this, or just having them in the same place every time. If you were busy picking a fight with a baby this week, odds are you missed it.
Obama administration’s greatest accomplishment
This week, a bombshell of a story was released, finding that for the first time since 1979, the federal government’s dietary guidelines did not include flossing your teeth. The government acknowledged that there was no scientific evidence that flossing daily made a significant impact on one’s oral health. So that thing you never did in the first place? Keep on not doing it.
Dr. Moreau’s funding restored
The National Institutes of Health this week lifted its ban on funding experiments creating part-human, part-animal embryos. This is great news, because I was having a lot of trouble creating my army of centaurs with my own measly funds.
Virginia is for lovers of meth
The mayor of Fairfax, Virginia was arrested this week after authorities said he tried to give an undercover police officer methamphetamine in exchange for sex. That mayor’s name: Rob Ford.,
John Hinckley Jr., the guy who shot President Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster, is going to stay with his mother. People are outraged over this and I don’t understand it. The guy has been in psychiatric care for longer than I’ve been alive. Since 1981 he’s been under the constant care of doctors. Doctors are supposed to help people. Apparently he’s been helped enough that he can live with his mother, who has to be ancient, for her remaining years. Where are the mental health advocates on this? He hasn’t been convicted of any crime. Let him go home finally, and keep an eye on him. If you were busy making people forget about Jeremy Renner this week, odds are you missed it.
Woman up for man’s job
This week, the Democrats nominated Hillary Clinton for president–the first woman to ever get the nomination from a major party. So let that be a lesson to all you young ladies out there, if you work hard, believe in yourself, and have your friends rig the system, you too can run the country someday. It’s about time women caught on to the winning game plan white men have been using for thousands of years.
Olympic athletes greeted with rivers of poo
Athletes arriving in Rio de Janeiro for the Summer Olympics have reported sub-par living conditions in the Olympic village. The buildings are suffering from gas leaks, power outages, fires, mold and plumbing problems. The Australian committee called the buildings uninhabitable, and an Argentinian official suspected sabotage. Brazilian officials said the buildings are fine, and are meant to help the athletes feel like they’re really living in Rio.
Sesame spoiler alert
Sesame Street is losing three of its long-time cast members after 45 years. HBO revealed that Bob, Gordon and Luis will not be returning to the beloved children’s show. It was revealed that next season Bob will be eaten by dragons, Gordon will have his head exploded during a trial by combat, and Luis will be shot and stabbed during his own wedding.