A lot of poop news to take care of

Or he’s retiring to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits from the “South Park” creators.

We took a week off (and our layout seems to have taken an extended vacation), so you might have missed some of the most important world news–namely, poop news. We’re backed up with poop news, so let’s bear down and get through it.

Canada is in shock after the beloved Mr. Floatie announced his retirement from public life. Mr. Floatie, a turd mascot with a face, white gloves and a sailor hat (really), has been an icon in Victoria, British Columbia since 2004. He called attention to the city’s practice of dumping raw sewage into the ocean. Now, with the city building a sewage treatment plant, his job is done. The poop mascot was the hero his city needed. We will miss you, Mr. Floatie.

In Venezuela, there’s more than just political activism in the air. The country’s National Guard reported that rioters threw bottles filled with feces and water at them during a protest last week. The devices are called “poopootov cocktails,” obviously in homage to the great Soviet General Vasily Poopootov, who helped push back the Nazi invasion during World War II by flinging poop at German forces.

Bad dog! Bad anti-authoritarian dog!

You’re probably already aware that Greece is poised to economically ruin Europe, but what you may not realize is that their animals are involved.

Riots have broken out in Athens over an austerity bill that reins in public spending while raising taxes, perceived to target the poor and middle class almost exclusively. These riots have lead to clashes between armored police officers and young people with one very bad dog.

Sausage — or as he’s listed in The Illiad, Loukanikos — has tripped police officers down stairs and currently has charges pending for biting at least one person. And the worst part? He’s homeless, meaning he’s definitely engaged in class warfare.

Sausage is emblematic of the Greek problem: instead of euthanizing stray dogs, the Athens municipality neuters them and puts them on the Kibble dole. They even get free healthcare.

So, congratulations, Greece. You could have added Sausage to your gyros, but now you have to fight him in the streets, and the rest of the world will have to pay for it.

The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?

Pittsburgh and Los Angeles had a heck of a weekend, as I understand it. I didn’t watch either game, mostly because I don’t care about any of the teams, but I know how they turned out. Kobe Bryant has a non-Shaq-related ring, and Bing Sidney Crosby gets to carry around a big silvery cup for a day.

I’m not here to talk about the sports, I’m not even here to talk about why I don’t care about who won and who lost. No, I am here to ask–why not my city? When will I get a chance to burn a police car?

This has been a recurring theme in my life. I never end up living in the city of a championship team, and when one of my teams does win the championship of whatever sport it is they play, everyone heads downtown to climb a few lamp posts and smash some windows. Meanwhile, I’m hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: When do I get to riot?