Nuts taken, squirrels now on the lam

80,000 pounds of walnuts were stolen in the last two weeks from Tehama County in California. Who would do such a thing? Who … or what?

Two nut companies that bought approximately 40,000 pounds of walnuts each from a company in California have reported the shipments stolen. Police have deemed a delivery driver of the Russian accent variety as a possible suspect. But come on. Selling walnuts on the black market? That’s just dumb, even if the Russian mob creates an artificial shortage to do so.

Oh sure, it turns out that the man who picked up the nuts wasn’t the guy who was supposed to do so at all. Regardless, I suspect that the criminal mind involved in this theft is not of the two legged variety, but of the four legged variety. That’s right squirrels, I’m accusing you of such criminal misconduct!

While I’m not particularly keen on walnuts (I am of the belief that brownies and banana bread are made that much better without them), other humans enjoy them, and that’s all I need to know. Return the nuts, unchanged or bothered, and we may be lenient on you. Maybe.

Real life imitates comics, probably makes Joe Simon and Jack Kirby proud

The NY Post is reporting that 20-year-old Kevin Crawford allegedly, decked out in a skull mask that was colored red, walked into a Brooklyn bank last week and demanded $4,000 from the teller. He managed to make off with twice that, but was followed by a crowd and soon stopped by by Borough Park Shomrim volunteers — unarmed civilians set up by the Hasidic communities of NYC — until the police arrived.

While we can’t say if Crawford was paying deliberate tribute to the Red Skull, that villainous arch-nemesis of Captain America, or he was just frat-boy-psyched about the mask, we will say that whenever something Nazi-related can be struck down by those of Jewish origins, it’s always a good day.

It’s like a plot from Bewitched meets real life

Spec plot synopsis: Take two ca-raaaaaaaazy lesbian lovers, have them rummage around through the houses of New Jersey, taking anything and everything that they can (including, but not limited to, budget-wise:

Jewelry, video games, cameras, laptops, watches, $22,000 in cash, Euros, pesos, poker chips, $2 bills, toy ponies, toy cars, toilet paper, a .22-caliber revolver, a Sony PlayStation, a Nintendo Wii, knives, autographed baseballs, Crazy Glue, lubricated condoms, a Virgin Mary statue, sneakers, iPods and baby lotion

along with flat-screen TVs and facial creams, but those are a dime a dozen). From there, have these crimes take place even in broad daylight, because who would suspect a broad? Then have the pair attempt to get into Samantha’s house, except … when they open the front door, they’re chased off by a lion (which is actually Darrin thanks to a screw-up).

For those interested, this sounds like a long-lost script from Bewitched or potentially real life.

Your flash mob sucks

A flash mob is a group event that participants coordinate with cell phones and social media or, to anyone who’s ever arranged to meet anyone anywhere in the last five years, not carrier pigeons. They’ve been characteristically annoying, inconvenient and embarrassing, occurring in crowded malls, public squares and on YouTube.

Leave it to unruly kids and their unmonitored Facebooks to weaponize what was once a plot device on Modern Family.

Definitely flash mob, not flush mob

The news is kind of like your parents, in that, they don’t always get the terms right when detailing a story to you, but you appreciate the effort just so much. My own mother has spent time asking me how a Ridiculous (Ludacris) concert that I went to was. I’ve even heard some parents of my friends ask them about the “internets” and if they have enough “Gaggles” in their computer.

Another example: a Delaware newspaper has a story about a flash mob marching together into a Philadelphia Sears and running off with tons of merchandise.

Except, it’s not really a flash mob, so much as a conspiratorial group. Yes, they may have all planned it on a social networking site, but a surprise birthday party for a friend of mine was set up on Facebook. That doesn’t exactly mean we’re going to break into a song and dance.

Also, Sears? Really, group of thieves? You couldn’t do anything more high class and less portrait studio-y?

I can see their logic

We have a Dunkin Donuts located just across from the office where I work. It’s saved me many a long morning, as Chris needs his coffee. And sugar. And donuts. And munchkins (hooray for cannibalism!). For me, deliciousness tends to breed loyalty.

Sometimes it can also breed crime. A Dunkin Donuts in Massachusetts was robbed by three men armed with knives and a hatchet, which seems like a little bit of overkill for a Bavarian creme donut. The men confronted the two employees in the store and ran off with a paper bag. Inside were donuts.

While police feel that the robbers were under the presumption that the day’s earnings were in the bag, I’m pretty sure that the men knew jelly and creme filled goodness littered that magical bag. Heck, I’d be tempted to wear a balaclava into the site by office if it meant I’d get an extra munchkin or 20.

A positively awful plan

An elderly woman is “an undisclosed amount of cash” richer and possibly on a shopping spree of undisclosed size in Colorado!

She robbed a Wells Fargo bank by handing the teller a note that said she would give her AIDS unless she forked over anywhere from 1 to infinity dollars. She sold the act by coughing frequently and wearing a train conductor’s cap, indicating she may have made love to a filthy train hobo.

The joke’s on that teller, though: everyone knows that people with AIDS don’t live to be elderly!