Bar robbed at gunpoint, patrons don’t care

What’s great about a bar is that you can go out and have a good time drinking with your friends. What’s bad about a bar is that other people exist. Studies have shown that not talking to strangers in a bar decreases your odds of getting in a fight. Unfortunately, it also means you miss when something cool happens.

In Florida, two robbers, one armed with a shotgun, the other carrying a rifle, took money from a bar and walked out, all while patrons in the bar kept drinking. The robbery happened at about 1:30 a.m. last Sunday, which may help explain why so many people didn’t see it happen or just didn’t care. The bar owner said people kept ordering drinks during the robbery.

We’ve had nights like those.

Robber forced to read illegible note to store clerk

Robbing a bank or store seems pretty easy because employees are instructed to comply with demands from robbers. (Not that we’re encouraging you to do it.) You walk in, hand the teller a note saying that you want money and are armed, then walk out with the money. But you may not need the note after all.

In Ohio, a Family Dollar store was robbed even though the store clerk couldn’t read the robber’s handwriting. According to authorities, a 22-year-old man handed the clerk a note reading. “This is a robbery, please be quiet. Don’t let your pride get you killed.” A chilling note if you can read it. But the chicken scratches weren’t legible to the clerk, so the robber was forced to read the note out loud. The man left with the contents of the register, but was later arrested, police say.

This is why they need to teach penmanship in school.

Bacon: The tastiest weapon of all

Bacon has enjoyed a long reign. Countless memes sing its praises online, and it keeps getting added to different foods. It’s the pumpkin spice of the meat world. Here in the U.S., it kills people slowly. But did you know it can also be a more immediate weapon?

In England, an 86-year-old woman was doing some grocery shopping when, according to authorities, a younger woman stopped her and demanded her money. The old woman took a packet of bacon and struck the would-be thief, scaring her off.

We should mention that guns aren’t allowed over there, so citizens have to get creative when it comes to self-defense.

Cookie Monster’s nearly 50 year reign of terror over

Unlike the Houston-area Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street Cookie Monster knows that he has to treat his addiction seriously before he violates the terms of Wally "Famous" Amos' restraining order again.
Unlike the Houston-area Cookie Monster, the Sesame Street Cookie Monster knows that he has to treat his addiction seriously before he violates the terms of Wally “Famous” Amos’ restraining order again.

After nearly 50 years of unimpeded cookie menacing, the Cookie Monster has been arrested where all depressing crime stories end: Houston, Texas. Police caught the Cookie Monster using surveillance video from one of over 30 fast food restaurants that he robbed in the past two months, demanding a cookie with the money at each one.

OK, so it’s not the Cookie Monster. The furry blue monster that we all know in love is in treatment at a cookie methadone facility on Sesame Street. He is in recovery and, according to CM himself, “take one day at time.” He’s now able to enjoy cookies in moderation, calling them “sometime food.”

So, we believe that the Houston-area Cookie Monster can be rehabilitated and perhaps one day teach kids how to count calories.

Man charged with assault with spatula — or was it a turner?

The kitchen is filled with many potential weapons, an alleged bank robber learned that a spatula isn’t one of them.

In Florida (to no one’s surprise), police say Brandon Stepherson robbed a bank unarmed, then broke into a home. A man said he went outside to smoke, and when he came back inside, he saw Stepherson standing there, having armed himself with a spatula. He then threatened the man who lived there, demanding that he give Stepherson the keys to the car outside.

The spatula threat didn’t really work, and after a scuffle, Stepherson ran from the house and was soon arrested by authorities. So take note, bank robbers, if you’re looking for a getaway car, and you end up in someone’s kitchen, a spatula isn’t great for threatening. The only worse kitchen weapon would be measuring spoons.

Robbing Waffle House requires less and less these days

It’s been said once and it’s been said again: nothing good typically happens at Waffle House.

Yes, given the price you pay, the food quality isn’t that bad. However, your experience is almost always interrupted by something odd. Perhaps it’s a naked couple, an overweight rapper, gang violence, adultery or even bees … and that’s just in the parking lot. Venture inside and you could be an unwilling participant in a robbery.

But will the potential device of your demise be bullets? A knife? Baseball bat? In Norcross, Georgia, it may just be a pitchfork. We look forward to the eventual days of when a man comes in, uses the vocal threat of violence and then runs off with the cash register. Truly words will be weapons.

Nuts taken, squirrels now on the lam

80,000 pounds of walnuts were stolen in the last two weeks from Tehama County in California. Who would do such a thing? Who … or what?

Two nut companies that bought approximately 40,000 pounds of walnuts each from a company in California have reported the shipments stolen. Police have deemed a delivery driver of the Russian accent variety as a possible suspect. But come on. Selling walnuts on the black market? That’s just dumb, even if the Russian mob creates an artificial shortage to do so.

Oh sure, it turns out that the man who picked up the nuts wasn’t the guy who was supposed to do so at all. Regardless, I suspect that the criminal mind involved in this theft is not of the two legged variety, but of the four legged variety. That’s right squirrels, I’m accusing you of such criminal misconduct!

While I’m not particularly keen on walnuts (I am of the belief that brownies and banana bread are made that much better without them), other humans enjoy them, and that’s all I need to know. Return the nuts, unchanged or bothered, and we may be lenient on you. Maybe.

Real life imitates comics, probably makes Joe Simon and Jack Kirby proud

The NY Post is reporting that 20-year-old Kevin Crawford allegedly, decked out in a skull mask that was colored red, walked into a Brooklyn bank last week and demanded $4,000 from the teller. He managed to make off with twice that, but was followed by a crowd and soon stopped by by Borough Park Shomrim volunteers — unarmed civilians set up by the Hasidic communities of NYC — until the police arrived.

While we can’t say if Crawford was paying deliberate tribute to the Red Skull, that villainous arch-nemesis of Captain America, or he was just frat-boy-psyched about the mask, we will say that whenever something Nazi-related can be struck down by those of Jewish origins, it’s always a good day.