Tag: robbery

The best robberies are the worst ones

It’s hard to fit a whole lot of stupid into one package. Nonetheless, some people manage to exceed our expectations. And for that, we must thank you.

Kimberly Ramirez is being charged with robbing more than eleven grand from a Chicago-land bank. That’s fairly normal enough, if you don’t account for her being captured just forty minutes later. It turns out that she left her debit card at the scene of the crime. Whoops.

Oh, and the demand note was written on the back of a prescription note made out in her name. Double whoops.

And we can’t forget that when the police found her at her apartment, she had managed to lock herself out of it. Triple whoops.

Some people just make it easy.

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge the law

Well, well, well, if it isn’t that Rip Torn fella, painting the town red again.

Note: if you get drunk, don’t aspire to be Rip Torn. He allegedly got a little tipsy and decided to rob a bank. That always work well for everyone involved, right? Sure! Okay, so maybe not, since Rip is now held on a 100 grand bond. Should’ve brought a noisy cricket with him.

Now, could this story have gotten any better? Of course. Simply swap Rip Torn with Rip Taylor and make sure that his revolver shot only confetti. Then the robbery would be fab-u-louuus.

I can tell at least one thing wrong about that headline

Yeah, we know Japan is weird, but as usual, they manage to make weird even weirder. 143 vials of bull semen were stolen from the Miyazaki Livestock Research Institute in 2007. Why this news is coming to light now, and not, say, in 2007, I can’t begin to tell you. We can only assume that it has to be embarrassing enough to discuss the topic in the first place. Maybe Japan was hoping it would turn up somewhere they forgot to look?

Valued at 650,000 yen (the equivalent of a gazillion spacebucks), the vials were frozen in liquid nitrogen and stored in a locked container at the facility’s artificial insemination lab. The cattle that the semen was taken from brought home top honors in a national grading event, hence the reason why their juice was worth such a high price. We can only hope that whoever took the vials did the right thing and destroyed them, thus ensuring a sickly line of bulls to inhabit the world.

As if you had a better plan?

There are some days when you can make up plenty of stuff. The entire Bush administration. The last three years or so of when Enron still existed. The McCarthy Hearings. The O.J. Simpson murder trial.

And then there are some days when you can’t make something up, but it still makes you think that it’s made up. Like, when you see a headline that states “7-11s were robbed by a man holding a Star Trek sword”, you know that’ll be your headline of the day, no question.

A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator

No matter how exciting of a job we have, eventually it becomes mundane. There’s nothing unconscionable about becoming desensitized to, say, emergency savings withdrawals or organizing a staff potluck. But we still feel bad because that’s what we’re paid to do (read: supposed to care about).

So can you imagine how a 911 operator must feel when the honeymoon’s over? One in Memphis actually fell asleep during a robbery call. In the interest of giving the benefit of doubt, we present: A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator. Continue reading A Day in the Life of a 911 Operator

They’ll never even suspect it

You’ve got to give it to the south. Whenever we say they can’t possibly get any dumber, they go and prove us wrong.

A Georgia man had a cab driver pick him up at his apartment and drop him off at a local Sun Trust Bank. After the ensuing robbery, the man then had the cab driver politely take him back to his residence. We really wish there was a better word for stupid.

‘These guys were absolutely dumb as bricks’

In most cases, if you’re holding a machete, you’re the one making the rules. However, this principle only works when the brain is used on conjunction with the machete. One of the brain’s most valuable functions is the ability to reason. Sadly, it is also the brain’s most fleeting of all functions.

Example: Robbing a bar may not be a particularly great idea. Sure, you’re armed, but you don’t know who else is. Odds are more than a couple of the establishment’s occupants have had enough alcohol to throw reason out the window and come after you. (“He’s trying to steal the money we just used to pay for our drinks! GET HIM!!!”)

So maybe then robbing a meeting hall of some sort. They have cash registers, right? Two Australian men had just such logic. They paid no heed as they walked past rows of motorcycles in the parking lot. They began to rob one room, demanding the patrons get on the ground. In the next room a local biker “club” was having its monthly meeting.

You can guess how it went from there.