On April 12, 1861, Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter, starting a war that would end three days earlier in 1865 at Appomattox Court House.
Because of both sides’ time travel technology, it would be the bloodiest American war until an unfortunate Red Cross “water balloon” fight last weekend in the Bed Bath & Beyond parking lot. (Sorry, Haiti. Maybe you can transfuse next week.)
To honor the brave men and women of Virginia who fought or whored themselves out during the Civil War, Governor Bob “What Homos?” McDonnell proclaimed April to be Confederate History Month.
Some people disagree with this idea, that it promotes a history that is painful to minorities and willfully ignorant. I say it’s perfect, and I’ll lay it all out for you.