‘All You Need Is Love’ (and maybe creative restraint)

After two Christmas horror films, Robert Zemeckis is done turning the holiday into a celebration of soulless-eyed celebrity vanity projects. His next sacred target: The Beatles.

Zemeckis plans to motion capture four actors playing The Only Good Thing from England (suck it, Shakespeare!) in a remake of Yellow Submarine. At least there’s four actors instead of Robin Williams or, old standby, Tom Hanks impersonating them all.

The eyes won’t be the only dead things haunting our dreams in his production, though. The songs will also be the actual Beatles’ recordings that, if you’re a fan, you’ve heard over and over again. At worst, the baby boomers will think they’re having an acid flashback, and at best, you’ll finally be over The Beatles.

Take it from Snee: Dickens couldn’t take this

Not Another Christmas Carole would make a great Wayans movie ... for a Wayans movie.When it comes to movies, I can see where I come across as a bit of a jerk. In the past, I’ve accused Roland Emmerich of international terrorism (twice), Harry Potter movies of insidious Britishness and Michael Bay of not understanding the sounds and shapes that make up the world as we know it.

So, yeah, maybe I’m equal parts film alarmist and snob. And you know what? I’m trying to become a better man.

But, then I have to sit through previews for:

  • Another remake of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.
  • Another unsettling motion capture flick from Robert Zemekis.
  • Jim Carrey embracing his inner Eddie Murphy … and Eddie Murphy … and Eddie Murphy.

All in one movie. (F#%k off, self-improvement.)

That’s right, coming this November, the worst elements of modern film, brought to you by the most repetitive actor in comedy and Disney are going to force you to sit through Charles Dickens’ most boring morality tale, yet. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Dickens couldn’t take this

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Goods’

Star vehicles, by definition, depend on the appeal of their stars. So, before you pay to see The Goods: Live Hard. Sell Hard., you should ask yourself how much you like Jeremy Piven. The Entourage Emmy winner is a used car salesman savant named Don Ready. He’s as abrasive like Piven’s Ari Gold, only in worse clothes. But if this is all Piven’s got, haven’t we seen it already?

Unfortunately, even though there’s a good cast of likely and unlikely comic heroes mingling the used car lot, Piven gets most of the funny. And that’s where this one bottlenecks. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Goods’

You Missed It: Can’t spell ‘hurricane’ without ‘eh’ edition

You know what it’s time for, don’t you? It’s time for us to sit down quietly while I shout at you about why the president’s health care reform plan is WRONG, WRONG I TELL YOU. ADMIT IT, YOU WANT TO KILL OLD PEOPLE! Ahem. In any case, if you were busy being released from a Scottish prison this week, odds are you missed it.

Hurricanes are for hosers
The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season is finally underway! The first real hurricane, named Bill. Is churning up the East Coast as we speak. Then again, we aren’t really speaking, but trust me, the hurricane’s out there. The news media is all over this one. Finally, FINALLY they have a big storm to cover during the slowest news period of the year–and then it’s not even supposed to make landfall in the U.S. Don’t worry, news networks, I’m sure there’s another Katrina out there somewhere.

‘Somebody get a nail, a pen and paper, I’ve got some ideas to write down’
One of the largest Lutheran denominations in the country is debating whether or not it will allow gay and lesbian clergy to be in committed relationships. Currently, gays and lesbians are allowed to serve as long as they remain celebate. Ha! Finally, the Catholics are ahead of the Lutherans in something other than numbers. They have had non-celebate gay priests for decades.

All You Need Is Robert Zemeckis
If you have children, you know that they are clamoring for one thing: LSD. Luckily, Robert Zemeckis may answer your child’s prayers with a remake of the Beatles’ 1968 classic Yellow Submarine. This time, it would be done with 3D computer animation. And you guessed, Walt Disney Studios is behind this brilliant idea. You may know Zemeckis from the children’s classic Beowulf. No word yet on whether John, Paul, George and Ringo are signed on to the project yet.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Monster House’

Monster House is arguably the scariest movie that has ever been targeted to children. There are multiple children who will probably say to their parents, “Mommy/Daddy, I’m scared.” Luckily, the movie is also funny, sweet, and more than a little sad. The boys act like boys, the girls act like girls, and the adult figures, of course, treat the kids as if they were insane, like an animated Lemony Snicket story. And who else would be in the executive producer’s chair but Steven Spielberg, who has terrorized more children than the devil, the boogie man and Barbra Streisand combined.

It’s only a few minutes after the departure of DJ’s parents that he kills his neighbor, old man Nebbercracker (voiced by Steve Buscemi). Nebbercracker has been terrorizing the neighborhood’s kids for generations, and he has a heart attack while engaging in a tirade against DJ (voiced by Mitchel Musso) for stepping on his lawn. Nebbercracker’s death is only the beginning of DJ’s bad day. It’s Halloween, and apparently Nebbercracker’s rickety old house isn’t pleased at DJ’s part in its owner’s death. Nebbercracker’s house is alive and angry. With his parents out of town, DJ and his friends, Chowder and Jenny, can only watch in horror as the house starts devouring neighborhood toys, pets, and eventually police officers that trod on its lawn.

Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Monster House’