So that’s how it is in their school

B.M.C. Durfee High School in Fall River, Mass., has employed a new tactic for getting chronically tardy and truant students into class:

The best part, though? New York City schools use a wake-up call recorded by Magic Johnson, making robo-phone sex the safest sex you could ever have with the former NBA all-star.

Gov’t declares war on vampires (robocalls by proxy)

Somebody at the FTC must have received a prerecorded sales call, because they’re finally making the practice illegal. As of Tuesday, September 1, it will be illegal for businesses to place unsolicited calls. So, just like vampires, they can’t come in unless you invite them.

Wait a minute … September 1 … that’s only 6 days away from … Labor Day

Oh. My. God. It’s finally happened! The U.S. government has declared war on capitalism and is ringing in the new Socialist year by reigning in the auto-dialing invisible Hand of the Free Market!

And if you don’t believe us, politicians are exempt from the ban!

Damn you, Obama! WE WILL BE HEARD!