Walmart wants robots to put bees out of work

As readers of this blog know, humanity is under attack from many different groups: monsters, aliens, zombies, educators and of course artists. But the biggest threats are animals and robots. Walmart wants to combine the two.

Walmart wants to put bees out of business the way it did mom-and-pop stores across the country by using robots. The company filed a patents for robotic bees that pollinate crops. This is obviously very frightening. Walmart wants to put robots and bees at war with each other, and the winner will come for us next.

It’s about time we research robot insect spray.

Robots are coming for our enlarged prostates

Men, the older you live, the better chance a robot is going to shoot water up your butt. Another awful prediction of the future? No, it’s a frightening reality today.

A robot that can treat your enlarged prostate is coming to an a-hole near you, now that Procept BioRobotics has raised enough funds to move forward with its diabolical plan. The autonomous robot will shoot water to remove enlarged prostate material. There’s a good chance this is a look at your future, because about half of men 60 or older, and about 90% of men 85 and older suffer from an enlarged prostate.

But by the time you’re that old, you’ll be a slave to the machines, anyway.

Burger-flipping robot pulled in rare win for humans

The robots are coming for us, but first they are coming for our jobs. But today, cooks can hold their heads high, as Flippy the robot had been taken off the line.

Flippy, a robot developed to grill and flip burgers, is out of service, not because of something it failed to do, but because it’s too efficient. The robot can cook 2,000 burgers a day. The only problem is that Flippy’s human coworkers aren’t able to assemble the burgers that fast.

The company that makes Flippy said human workers need to be better trained, or you know, replaced by other robots.

You Missed It: Concentrated Orange Juice Edition

Your normal YMI is being interrupted by the one, the only, Chugs! Yes, Bryan McBournie is off this week but still on assignment, deep in the heart of the Democratic Republic of Yemen.

We don’t know why either. The last we saw him, he was muttering something knowing that part of the name of the country is misspelled and he’s gonna get to the bottom of it. Regardless, if your wife was busy withholding your tax returns, odds are you missed it.

Never trust a drop-out

Investors unclicked the Like button for Facebook stock this week as it saw a plummeting drop. The fall saw the stock now sitting at below 20 dollars a share. Confidence in the offering is now at an all-time low, though it’s been spun that now 2 billion shares will be eligible for trading in almost the next year. When questioned about whether they had anything to do with this, the creators of Friendster thumbed their noses and blamed it on Tom.

Not so anonymous now, are you?

Julian Assange has now been spotted! And now he’s gone! No wait, he’s there! And by there, we mean the Ecuadorian embassy in London. Ecuador has decided to grant asylum to Assange, the noted person on the run behind the WikiLeaks scandal. Remember, this moment, because when someone asks you where you were when this happened, you’ll be able to respond “Sure, but where’s Ecuador?”

Now. You. See. Me. Now. You. Don’t.

Researchers at Harvard have managed to create a robot that can blend in with its surroundings. Basing this technique on squid, octopi, cuttlefish and the Muppet Babies version of Gonzo, the ro-butt also has a flexible body and can change the color of its body like a cheap novelty mug. Has anyone decided to look into maybe nuking Harvard for the sake of humanity?

He went to Amsterdam, and all I got was this lousy computer virus

For those of you who have been eagerly awaiting to have sex with a robot, there is now a projected date to mark on your calendar: 2050. That’s according to two Victoria University researchers, “Management professor Ian Yeoman, a futurist with an interest in tourism, and sexologist Michelle Mars.”

The two published a paper in the journal Futures, “Robots, Men And Sex Tourism,” in which they theorize a sex club in Amsterdam named Yub-Yum will offer up flawless android prostitutes to Red Light District tourists. Moreover, they believe that the 10,000 Euro encounters will be guilt- and disease-free as the customers have technically not cheated on their real-life partners and the machines will be routinely hosed down and made of a bacteria-resistant material.

What has not been accounted for is when the androids are retired after years of unspeakable service. That’s where The Guys’ moonlighting services as futurists come in: Blade Runner Camp. (Patent: us.)

Jewish and Muslim people will be the worst cannibals

The future is now, people-and it is tasty. Savory and succulent and tasty. And soon to end.

Robots have identified human flesh as bacon, one of the more delicious parts of the food group.

With this bit of news, we’re not saying that you can run around and call cops “pigs,” only because we don’t have a lot of money to bail you out.

Now, keep this in mind: we’ve created robots that can consume meat for power. We’ve discovered that robots identify our skin as bacon. It’s only inevitable that we will now have to fend off the oncoming robot apocalypse sooner than we think. I’m not suggesting that we become a bunch of Luddites, but it may increase our chances.

Quick, turn off the internet before they can find this message and it’s too late!

Courtesy of Cassie

You are not alone

Ever wanted a carbon copy of yourself to introduce to your friends or use as a body double so you can sneak out of work early? Well, you aren’t the only one, it would seem. If you live in Japan, you can totally cash in on your dream thanks to department store operators Sogo & Seibu.

These mechanical robots are part of a promotion in Japan and will be built by robotics company Kokoro, who are famous for their receptionist robots. There are only two twins available, but seeing as they run 20.1 million yen ($223,000 each), they might not find any takers right off the bat, despite how reasonable that actually sounds. On the other hand, they’ll model the robot’s speech after your voice so you can actually talk to yourself.

Having heard my voice record, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.

Superheroes walk in Japan, save no one

Remember Japan’s Cyberdyne robotics company? The company that created an exoskeleton, named HAL 5, that could help injured or disabled people walk? Are you sure?

Well, they want you to know that they’re still and kicking. I mean, walking. Cyberdyne employees strapped on the robotic leg braces and took them on a 30 mile journey through Tokyo, via train, taxi, and on foot. The 24 pound suit made the commute easier for the demonstrators, but the technology is apparently aimed at people who have difficulty walking. And certainly not a covert coup by the machines to destroy us all.

Cyberdyne is very optimistic that more people-assisting technologies are in their future. And by people-assisting technologies, they secretly mean “people enslaving technologies.”


A couple months ago, Japan made plans to bring Saya, the robot teacher, to their classrooms.

The end war has begun.

The Japanese government, by 2015 it expects every household in Japan to have it’s own robot. To help facilitate this, they’ve now poured nearly $35 million into development of artificial intelligence and design. So, with any (bad) luck, we’ll start seeing the mass production. Of course, this could will lead to an eventual robot invasion–or it might just put a few humans out of work–but given that I already work for corporate overlords that often already emotions akin to a robot, it can’t possibly be that bad. Right?


Still not as cool as Mecha-Shiva

Dear Japan,

We know that you hate the rest of the world. That’s all fine and dandy. Nonetheless, stop trying to create robotic death machines in the shape of animals. Everyone knows that you’re totally teaming up with the animals in a bid to kill us all. Now you’re just totally refusing to even be subtle about it.


The rest of the world.