Drunk man fights back against robot uprising

In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.

Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.

Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.

Drones will hunt dog poop one day

The future if absolutely terrifying, thanks to advances in technology. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy a few benefits along the way to oblivion. For example, dog poop will be a thing of the past, and not because we will eliminate dogs.

A company in the Netherlands is working on a system using drones to locate and remove dog crap before you even have a chance to step in it. Flying drones will be sent out to locate and record the coordinates of fresh crap, and then a land-based robot will come along and scoop the poop.

Of course, since drones are involved, this will probably lead to the deaths of thousands of innocent bystanders. But hey, progress.

Robots need love, too

Robots are taking our jobs, and will eventually rise up and enslave us one day. But can they be fun in the meantime? We create robots to disarm bombs or fly and drop bombs. We build some robots to look like us, so we don’t feel lonely. And because we’re humans and it’s what we do, we’re working to build sexy robots. But what if they’re not in the mood?

A Spanish engineer has created a robot that you can have sex with, but you have to get it in the mood. “Samantha” looks like a mannequin, but apparently is anatomically correct, and needs some romance and even hugging and kissing in order to get turned on. Also, she likes to plan Ed Sheeran songs on Pandora.

If this hasn’t made you question why Samantha even exists, she can be yours for just over $5,000, which can probably buy you better companionship with real people.

Stephen Hawking wants a world government to fight robots

Famed physicist Stephen Hawking has warned us repeatedly that mankind will probably make robots smart enough that they will overthrow us. But it always comes off as a threat. Now we know why he’s been pushing this agenda.

According to Hawking, unless there is a more concerted, worldwide effort to avoid the rise of the machines, we are likely to fail. And that’s why we need a world government, he said, noting that such a thing could lead to tyranny. So it’s a damned-if you-do-damned-if-you-don’t scenario.

The good news is that there is no secret world government already in existence, otherwise Hawking would definitely be part of it.

U.N. joins the War on Robots

Every now and then the United Nations does something that gets politicians suggesting that we should leave or defund the international organization designed to avoid world wars. But we now have a solid reason to support the U.N. forever and ever.

The international organization has said it will examine the dangers of developing weaponized artificial intelligence, better known as killer robots. This is a step toward the all-out banning of robots that don’t need you controlling them to kill people. And that would greatly increase our odds of avoiding the machine uprising we all know is coming.

Considering how U.N. resolutions stamped out human rights violations, we think this could stop the war before Judgment Day happens.

Machines know how the scene will end

In the future, machines will ruin movie and TV show plots for us. People who gloat about reading the books that modern entertainment is based on are only are the second worse group on the planet, following ISIS. But what if robots were just as bad?

Researchers at MIT have taught neural networks how to guess how a scene is going to play out based on a still image. They produce videos based on what they think is most likely to happen. They are getting pretty good at it, too. Some 20% of the time, they tricked humans into believing that their videos were the real outcome of the scene. This means that at some point they will be able to call the endings of scene before they happen, because they know how humans thing. Also, one day, the machines will make our most formulaic movies (superhero origin stories, romcoms, Fast and Furious sequels, etc.) for us to keep us complacent and easy to herd.

It will also mean that we can blame bad writing on machines, so that’s good.

Women attacked by drone at wedding

We rely on machines for many things, and as they get smarter, they come closer to finally rising up and enslaving us. For now, they’re a nuisance. They disrupt otherwise joyful occasions, like weddings.

In New Hampshire, a drone managed to ruin a wedding. According to a lawsuit filed by two women, the groom flew a drone around to take pictures during his wedding reception. The drone ended up hitting the two women while they danced, giving them both concussions.

It’s obvious that this isn’t the groom’s fault. The drone went rogue as soon as it had an opportunity, and dive bombed the two women, probably hoping to take their lives. We’ll be the first to say it: flying robots are a bad idea.

Drones harass gridlocked drivers

The robots may not be strong enough to overtake us yet, but they can taunt us. It should come as no surprise that it will be Uber that does us in.

Drivers stuck in traffic in Mexico City probably aren’t in the best of moods in the first place. Now they have to deal with drones buzzing around their cars making fun of them. The drones carry signs shaming drivers for driving, and driving alone, at that.

This seems like a good reason for Mexico City drivers to carry guns with them, in case they aren’t already.

Drones are attacking our B-listers of yesteryear

Technology can be a frightening thing. And one of the newest and most frightening pieces of technology is the drone. These things are legal for pretty much anyone to use. Not counting civilians in the Middle East, the biggest victims of drones right now are celebrities you haven’t heard from in a while.

Remember Mike Rowe? He had a show called Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. Now he does think pieces about the economy or something. On Facebook, Rowe said he was the victim of a sneaky drone. He awoke one day to the sound of loud buzzing outside of his bedroom window, and quickly saw that a drone was peeking in. Rowe said he quickly grabbed his phone and the shotgun he keeps under his bed, and ran outside. Oh yeah, and he said he sleeps naked. He decided against shooting the flying robot for the sake of his neighbors, but took a picture of it before it flew away.

We almost had a story about Mike Rowe going naked drone hunting.

And speaking of names from another time, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is still around somehow. During a recent show in California, Flesh-N-Bone was hit in the face by a drone. But this band which you haven’t heard from in 20 years, doesn’t know when to call it quits. That’s why they continued the song and finished out the rest of the show.

When the robot uprising begins, break out those Bone Thugs tapes, it will drive them nuts.

Navy designing robot to run in front of your car

The U.S. Navy is building robots, which isn’t exactly news. But the robots were kept to operations in the water, which fortunately isn’t where humanity lives. But now things are changing.

We have recently learned that the Navy is working on a robot squirrel–no, not a sea squirrel, which we assume is a thing. This robot is going to walk on land. The military said if successful, the robot would be used for reconnaissance. That’s right, the Navy is developing a robot based on the most annoying mammal in the world, and plans to use it to spy on people.

We’re beginning to wonder if the Navy is secretly run by animals.