Coming soon: Spider robots

When science is doing anything involving spiders, you know it’s a bad thing. But this news is twice as bad: researchers have taught a spider to jump so they can make robots.

Kim the regal jumping spider has been taught by scientists to jump on command, so that her agility can be studied, and one day, copied. The spider can jump six times its body length without a running start, and that’s something the researchers want to figure out, so that one day they can create robots that can do the same.

Folks, animals are dangerous enough as it is. Making robots that are like animals is even worse. One day you could have a robo-spider jump on you and take your freedom.

New Orleans cameras ticket parked cars for speeding

Speeding is taken very seriously in New Orleans. And the speeding cameras, which we know are just robots plotting against us, take it seriously as well.

Some New Orleans cameras take the infraction so seriously that they are issuing speeding tickets to parked cars. Yes, that’s a moving violation for a vehicle that’s not moving. Residents complain that they are legally parked on the street, and the cameras pick up their plates, rather than the offending vehicle’s as it passes through. Owners of the parked cars get the tickets, rather than the offenders.

One day, the robots will decide to fine us just for living.

Robots get pulled over just like humans

Many examples of good science fiction use robots or androids to explore what it means to be human and to strive to be like humanity. We used to think that ethical questions about human/robot equality were in the distant future. They’re here today.

A driverless car was pulled over by police in San Francisco and given a ticket, you know, just like a human. Authorities say the car failed to yield to a pedestrian at a crosswalk. (We’re not sure if we can libel a machine by saying it actually did the crime.) According to Cruise, the operator of the car, a pedestrian was detected in a crosswalk about 10.8 feet away, and the car just blew on by, rather than stopping. A police officer on a motorcycle pulled the autonomous car over after witnessing the infraction.

Nice try, machines. But if you want to really be like humans, slam on your brakes and lean on your horn until the idiots get out of your way.

Walmart wants robots to put bees out of work

As readers of this blog know, humanity is under attack from many different groups: monsters, aliens, zombies, educators and of course artists. But the biggest threats are animals and robots. Walmart wants to combine the two.

Walmart wants to put bees out of business the way it did mom-and-pop stores across the country by using robots. The company filed a patents for robotic bees that pollinate crops. This is obviously very frightening. Walmart wants to put robots and bees at war with each other, and the winner will come for us next.

It’s about time we research robot insect spray.

Robots are coming for our enlarged prostates

Men, the older you live, the better chance a robot is going to shoot water up your butt. Another awful prediction of the future? No, it’s a frightening reality today.

A robot that can treat your enlarged prostate is coming to an a-hole near you, now that Procept BioRobotics has raised enough funds to move forward with its diabolical plan. The autonomous robot will shoot water to remove enlarged prostate material. There’s a good chance this is a look at your future, because about half of men 60 or older, and about 90% of men 85 and older suffer from an enlarged prostate.

But by the time you’re that old, you’ll be a slave to the machines, anyway.

Burger-flipping robot pulled in rare win for humans

The robots are coming for us, but first they are coming for our jobs. But today, cooks can hold their heads high, as Flippy the robot had been taken off the line.

Flippy, a robot developed to grill and flip burgers, is out of service, not because of something it failed to do, but because it’s too efficient. The robot can cook 2,000 burgers a day. The only problem is that Flippy’s human coworkers aren’t able to assemble the burgers that fast.

The company that makes Flippy said human workers need to be better trained, or you know, replaced by other robots.

You Missed It: Concentrated Orange Juice Edition

Your normal YMI is being interrupted by the one, the only, Chugs! Yes, Bryan McBournie is off this week but still on assignment, deep in the heart of the Democratic Republic of Yemen.

We don’t know why either. The last we saw him, he was muttering something knowing that part of the name of the country is misspelled and he’s gonna get to the bottom of it. Regardless, if your wife was busy withholding your tax returns, odds are you missed it.

Never trust a drop-out

Investors unclicked the Like button for Facebook stock this week as it saw a plummeting drop. The fall saw the stock now sitting at below 20 dollars a share. Confidence in the offering is now at an all-time low, though it’s been spun that now 2 billion shares will be eligible for trading in almost the next year. When questioned about whether they had anything to do with this, the creators of Friendster thumbed their noses and blamed it on Tom.

Not so anonymous now, are you?

Julian Assange has now been spotted! And now he’s gone! No wait, he’s there! And by there, we mean the Ecuadorian embassy in London. Ecuador has decided to grant asylum to Assange, the noted person on the run behind the WikiLeaks scandal. Remember, this moment, because when someone asks you where you were when this happened, you’ll be able to respond “Sure, but where’s Ecuador?”

Now. You. See. Me. Now. You. Don’t.

Researchers at Harvard have managed to create a robot that can blend in with its surroundings. Basing this technique on squid, octopi, cuttlefish and the Muppet Babies version of Gonzo, the ro-butt also has a flexible body and can change the color of its body like a cheap novelty mug. Has anyone decided to look into maybe nuking Harvard for the sake of humanity?

He went to Amsterdam, and all I got was this lousy computer virus

For those of you who have been eagerly awaiting to have sex with a robot, there is now a projected date to mark on your calendar: 2050. That’s according to two Victoria University researchers, “Management professor Ian Yeoman, a futurist with an interest in tourism, and sexologist Michelle Mars.”

The two published a paper in the journal Futures, “Robots, Men And Sex Tourism,” in which they theorize a sex club in Amsterdam named Yub-Yum will offer up flawless android prostitutes to Red Light District tourists. Moreover, they believe that the 10,000 Euro encounters will be guilt- and disease-free as the customers have technically not cheated on their real-life partners and the machines will be routinely hosed down and made of a bacteria-resistant material.

What has not been accounted for is when the androids are retired after years of unspeakable service. That’s where The Guys’ moonlighting services as futurists come in: Blade Runner Camp. (Patent: us.)

Jewish and Muslim people will be the worst cannibals

The future is now, people-and it is tasty. Savory and succulent and tasty. And soon to end.

Robots have identified human flesh as bacon, one of the more delicious parts of the food group.

With this bit of news, we’re not saying that you can run around and call cops “pigs,” only because we don’t have a lot of money to bail you out.

Now, keep this in mind: we’ve created robots that can consume meat for power. We’ve discovered that robots identify our skin as bacon. It’s only inevitable that we will now have to fend off the oncoming robot apocalypse sooner than we think. I’m not suggesting that we become a bunch of Luddites, but it may increase our chances.

Quick, turn off the internet before they can find this message and it’s too late!

Courtesy of Cassie

You are not alone

Ever wanted a carbon copy of yourself to introduce to your friends or use as a body double so you can sneak out of work early? Well, you aren’t the only one, it would seem. If you live in Japan, you can totally cash in on your dream thanks to department store operators Sogo & Seibu.

These mechanical robots are part of a promotion in Japan and will be built by robotics company Kokoro, who are famous for their receptionist robots. There are only two twins available, but seeing as they run 20.1 million yen ($223,000 each), they might not find any takers right off the bat, despite how reasonable that actually sounds. On the other hand, they’ll model the robot’s speech after your voice so you can actually talk to yourself.

Having heard my voice record, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.