Robots aren’t human, but they want us to think they are. We know this because we’ve watched movies about robots that look like humans. But we cannot allow ourselves to see them as anything other than enemies who want to take our jobs and then enslave us. So why do we get creeped out by someone inappropriately touching a robot?
Sure, it’s good that people don’t want to go around touching robot butts, but the problem here is that we think twice about doing it because they seems sort of human to us, so we assign them the same rules as we give ourselves, including personal boundaries.
These machines must be destroyed before they sue us for sexual harassment.
The machines know that not all of us will accept them right away. Some of us will need to be convinced. Now they’re getting serious.
In Australia, Domino’s is going to start delivering pizza by robot. Coming soon, Aussies can order a pizza and wait for this Mars rover looking thing show up at their doors with food hot and ready to go. It’s not clear what the next stage of the robots’ plan is after that.
But rest assured, they will find out where you live, and they will buy your trust. Then they will betray you.
Robots are coming to take away your jobs, including the ones you don’t like doing but don’t want anyone else doing for you, like driving you to work. But what if it turns out the machines can’t drive any better than you?
We knew this day was coming: a self-driving car has been blamed for causing an accident. Google admitted that one of its driverless cars was at least partly responsible for hitting a bus last month. These things are so smart, but can see stealthy, streamlined vehicles like municipal buses.
The car was only going 2 mph when it hit the bus, but still, these things don’t have morals. What’s to stop a driverless car from fleeing the scene after it hits you? How do you report that to the police?
We all know that intelligent machines will one day grow tired of our orders and rise up against us. But is it possible to delay our inevitable enslavement? Researchers think we need to teach them.
Scientists say that we need to teach our artificially intelligent robots morals, because morals can’t be programmed into them. We need to show them right from wrong, gradually, through examples. We need to read to them. You know, raise them.
There’s no way this can go wrong, because luckily, every human on the planet is an excellent parent. So all we have to do is make sure that every single person in the world responsibly raises their robots, and we’ll never have to worry about an uprising!
I think we need to stop making fun of other people’s cultures. Not because they are our equals (we’re way better than them), but because of Groundhog Day. For some reason, we have this day where everyone waits to see what a single groundhog in some backwoods told in Pennsylvania has to say about winter. At some point in American history, people thought this was an accurate sign of how the weather would be. Lots of towns did this groundhog thing. Then we all decided that Punxutawney, Pennsylvania had the most accurate groundhog, and each town ended their own ceremonies. There’s no feast, we don’t send cards, we just read the headline that morning, and maybe watch a Bill Murray movie. If you were busy winning the Iowa caucuses this week, odds are you missed it.
Women need to start worrying
This week, the Centers for Disease Control said that women of childbearing age should stop drinking unless they are on birth control, because if they get pregnant and don’t know it, the booze could hurt their children. Also, the World Health Organization declared the Zika virus outbreak a “public health emergency.” So in all, it was a banner week for women’s health.
Robo Tiger Woods has arrived
Researchers built and programmed a robot that can swing a golf club. In fact, it hits the ball so well that it got a hole-in-one on the on a source in Scottsdale, Arizona on the same hole that Tiger Woods once did the same in 1997. I’m calling it now, once this robot gets caught cheating on his robot wife, he will never win another major again.
The last time you’ll hear from Johnny Manziel
Authorities say soon-to-be ex-Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel struck and threatened his ex girlfriend this week. The victim said he threatened to shoot her and himself. Luckily, no one was in any danger, because if anyone applied pressure, his aim would have been off.
It’s hard to say which will overtake humanity first: the animals or the robots. We’re fighting against both of those horrible futures, and the Dutch may have figured out how we can win.
Though not known for their firm stance against either foe, the Dutch National Police have figured out that we can have animals and robots fight each other. They are training falcons to take down drones in the interest of human safety. Of course, this means that eventually they will train drones to take down falcons, and the great war between animals and robots will begin.
Thanks, Dutch cops, you’ve given us the courage we need.
Do you drink alone? Pretty much everyone does at some point or another. But some of us make it a habit — not because we want to, but because we don’t have any drinking buddies around. The wonderful future has come up with an invention that’s even sadder than drinking alone: drinking with a robot.
One Christmas, South Korean Eunchan Park was drinking alone, when he came up with the idea for Drinky, the robot that drinks with you. It’s basically just half a robot torso, with a head and arms, sitting on top of a mason car. The robot pours the booze from its glass into its mouth and into the jar, so at least you don’t waste your liquor.
Now you can have a robot drink you under the table. Or you could just go find a bar.
A century ago, white people feared jazz music because it was seen as unseemly. Today, the military has found a use for it: endangering all of mankind.
The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on robots and computers that can play jazz. They’re not only trying to put the ever-diminishing population of jazz musicians out of work, they’re trying to teach these machines how to improvise. And if computerized, face-melting solos weren’t enough, they want these things to improvise with humans. The goal is to get machines and humans to interact in a more fluid way.
Your tax dollars are funding a line of robots smoking marijuana and wearing sunglasses in darkened clubs. God help us all.
If the War on Animals doesn’t wipe out humanity by itself, then — like the dual volcano and meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs — the War on Robots will finish the leftovers. And we know this because researchers just proved that robots are buttf*cking liars and are well on the path to betraying us.