Newest animal threat: metrosexual bears

For years, right-wing demagogues like Rick Santorum have warned us that homosexuality will lead to sexual behavior with animals (“man on dog,” for instance). And, conservationists have warned us that destroying animals’ native environments will push more animals into direct contact with humans.

Now we have evidence that both were right.

Volker Deecke of the University of Cumbria, UK, was spying on the enemy — in this case, a brown bear in Alaska’s Glacier Bay national park — and caught this dangerous animal exfoliating with a rock.

People, if you think gay pride parades are dangerous now, just wait until they include bears. (You know which bears we mean.)

Fire in the hole!

There are many deathsports in the world: Russian Roulette, Duck-Duck-Shark, Taser Tag …. All mere child’s play!

The truly most dangerous sport–especially in dry grasslands–is golf.

One unidentified golfer in Irvine, California proved this deadly fact when his iron club grazed a rock, pitching a spark into the rough. The resulting fire spread quickly and was eventually put out by 150 firefighters.

A memorial will be unveiled for the two bushy hillsides that are no longer with us.

The McBournie Minute: What’s wrong with our fragile rockers?

In case you’re skimming through this, that’s “fragile rockers,” not “Fraggle Rockers.” I will discuss the medical issues of Gobo and the gang in a column some time in the future.

As many of you now already know, we lost Ronnie James Dio yesterday. He died of stomach cancer, surrounded by friends and of course, lots of fake blood. His death brings a sobering moment to us all, especially the metal community, who are among the most conscious of mortuary affairs of all musicians.

What his death points out is something very important: our rock singers are not as flawless and ageless as they would have us believe. No, they are mere mortals, blessed with the ability to rock us. What can we do to save them? There’s no easy answer. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: What’s wrong with our fragile rockers?

Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

Or, 25 Things About Me

I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?

Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)

So, as a service to you readers (especially the angry ones), here are 25 things about me: Continue reading Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

How To: Get your band back together

We all know how the story goes. Back in the day, man, you would not believe how hard you rocked. You could pack the house in every town you went to–even the ones with only one or two bars. And the groupies? Wow. The bus rides, the comradery with your bandmates, the thrill of hearing fans sing your songs back to you and of course the drugs and alcohol.

But then, something happened. Egos got inflated, solo projects were discussed. Everyone wanted to take the band in a different direction, losing sight of what it really was. It all tore the band apart. We know the story, that’s why The Guys are here to present you with how to get your band back together. Continue reading How To: Get your band back together

‘This isn’t Vietnam … there are rules’

As part of our ongoing coverage of “Summer is here” — which will continue until mid-October — there’s an element we’ve forgotten: driving around.

For our high school and college readers, this is the time that you and your peers are bored and will drive around, pretending that going nowhere is “something.” For the adults, this means you’re going to a lot of stores with wedding and baby registries.

Without fail on any of these excursions, an argument will arise about the rules to calling Shotgun and Rock-Paper-Scissors (or Roshambo to non-South Park viewers). We’d normally use this as an excuse to write a How To, but someone has beaten us to it and done so throughly.

We suggest sending this link to that friend that calls Shotgun during the planning stages of your Warped Tour trip in August.

Fun Fact:
“The history of calling ‘Shotgun’ goes back to the days of covered wagons and the Wild West. On a trip across the plains, the driver of a wagon would hold the reins of his horse team and concentrate on driving. This left him and the occupants of his wagon susceptible to sneak attacks from bandits and thieves. To avoid this atrocious circumstance it became necessary for one person to sit next to the driver with a shotgun and fend off the enemy.”

Ask Dr. Snee: Blindness and impairment

Dear Dr. Snee,

Recently, I read about blind Iraq war veterans learning how to ski. How is this possible? Also what other activities do you recommend for blind people who still wish to stay active?

Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Blindness and impairment

North (sort of) and South: Civil War redux?

While last week we told you about the brewing civil war between Georgia and Tennessee, it seems they are not the only two states ready to fight brother against brother. Ohio and Kentucky are about to take up arms against one another–not over a land dispute for a resource vital to any state, but rather a big rock.

A rock sat at the bottom of the Ohio River for ages, only when the tide was low in centuries past would people climb on it and leave some kind of message. One man hauled it out of the river onto the Ohio side because it is an important part of the state’s history. As soon as Kentucky heard about it, the state got upset, because the rock was on the Kentucky side of the border.

The states’ houses of representatives have both passed resolutions about how important the rock is. No word as to whether U.N. peacekeepers will be asked to patrol the border.