Next time, Mr. Bond

The U.K. is slowly calming down after a scare that it was being invaded by crocs.

Last week, a retiree was out riding his bike along the River Thames, better known as that river that flows through London, when he saw a crocodile in the river. This set off a wave of panic throughout the country, as citizens rightfully wondered if the animals were going after the royal family. But, as it turns out, it was just a fake gator used in Live and Let Die, you know, the James Bond movie that takes place in Louisiana.

The prop, which was used in the scene where Roger Moore runs across the backs of gators, was stored on an island by a man who worked on several Bond films, and likely washed away during recent flooding.

Had the Thames gator, or croc, or whatever, been the real deal, we’re sure that Bond would have handled it.

Foie gras? Double 0-heck no!

It turns out one of Her Majesty’s secret agents lived the high life only in the movies. The James Bond of the 1970s, Roger Moore, won’t eat foie gras, and he won’t speak to friends who do either.

“I refuse to speak to old friends who, even when they know how it is produced, are prepared to overlook the suffering for self-gratification,” he writes. “My wife Christina feels just the same. No creature deserves to be treated as these birds are for our delectation.”

Moore joined forces with the terrorist organization known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals three years ago to narrate a video about foie gras production. Some people would say that this would be where his career slipped. We would agree. Moore contends the birds are force-fed the human equivalent of 45 pounds of pasta a day to fatten their livers. Frankly, that sounds like a delicious way to die.

Lethal hat tosses and car stunts are one thing

Roger Moore, better known as the Bond who has been overshadowed by the legendary performances of George Lazenby and Timothy Dalton, says that he doesn’t like the direction the new James Bond movies have taken.

They are just too violent these days, Moore said. In his day, Bond was more pithy and relied on having intimate relations with strange women in order to entertain the crowd. Rampant sexism, racism and midgetism be damned, violence is the one thing than cannot be tolerated.

Remember when James Bond walked around with a little gun and made clever puns after people accidentally died through no fault of his? That Bond must certainly have a market today.

“I suggested my Bond would have charmed the information out of her by bedding her first. My Bond was a lover and a giggler, but I went along with Guy,” the British actor wrote.

Oh, James “Giggles” Bond, where have you gone?