It can only get worse from here

In a world like ours where, no matter how slim it is, there’s a chance of having President Donald Trump, President Ron Paul (or for the visual-based people, President Six Flags Dancing Old Man Guy) or even scarier, President Newt (seriously, does he legitimately think that’s a good name for anyone?), someone else has decided to throw a hat into the ring.

Tread carefully, because there is now the possibility of having President Roseanne Barr.

Being of legal age and qualifying under all of the other guidelines, Barr has filed paperwork to become a candidate, hoping to get the Green Party’s nomination. While she has good enough ideas, the concept of replacing meat with nuts is something that SG Towers cannot back.

Oh, and why did we say it can only get worse from here? While it’s only speculation, imagine these words: Vice President Fran Drescher. The White House will be the most noise pollution-filled house ever in the country.

The Iowa Republican Caucus Results

The results from the Iowa Republican Caucus are in!

1. Mitt Romney won with 24.6 percent of the vote, proving that you get more bees with vanilla because you never know which bees are allergic to nuts.

2. Rick S@ntorum (SFW spelling) came in a close second, but he’s the only candidate of the top three to not make the Virginia primary ballot. This could spell trouble due to the state’s longstanding policy of existing “for lovers, just — you know — not like that.”

3. Ron Paul finished third, only three percentage points behind the two leaders. He celebrated by throwing another ghost writer under the bus.

4. Newt Gingrich leads the bottom of the pack, which Newt explained makes sense since winning votes is not a popularity contest like for “senior class president.” He still plans to score the prom queen’s panties before Nov. 2, though, just to be safe.

5. Rick Perry just barely made it into double digits, which he proudly counted with both hands.

6. Michele Bachmann was last candidate to finish with full percentage points. She has suspended her campaign to harass gays at home.

7. John Huntsman manage to edge out Herman Cain, Buddy Roemer, “meh” and “none of the above” despite skipping Iowa to campaign in New Hampshire.

Results came from Google, courtesy of the AP.

Does this mean a Ron Paul ark?

And they will call him Ron Paul-Muad'dib.In any movement of crazy people, some cultural isolationism is bound to develop. We see it in fringe religious groups that build Little House on the Prairie porn villages.

And it makes sense. Even nudists, who live together to live in violation of one general more (not wearing pants), move into insular colonies because they’re still opposed to other people looking at them to masturbate.

But, sometimes they do so to isolate themselves biologically, creating a Bene Gesserit breeding program to facilitate the coming of their Chosen One. In this vein, Ron Paul supporters have created an online dating site, and the Ronster has approved it.

Then again, it’s probably for the best. Ever been on a first date and experience an awkward silence after revealing yourself as a rabid devotee to a third-party candidate who will never, ever, ever, ever win?

(SeriouslyGuy Bryan McBournie, a diehard Bull Moose, can attest to this problem.)

Take it from Snee: Your bumper stickers and you

Bumper stickers: they may be the only clues we have about our fellow drivers. It dawned on me that people put these on their vehicles explicitly to tell us about themselves and their wonderful children and whatnot.

I mean, sure, you think you’re just proud to have a kid in Cub Scouts. But how would, say, a pedophile scout leader read that? (Braggadocio, most likely.)

What they don’t realize, though, is that their bumper stickers may say things they never intended. As a service to you, I have decoded popular ones so that you may avoid embarrassment or even roadside homicide. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your bumper stickers and you

It’s 10 items or FEWER!

In crime news this morning, some vigilantes who have been hitting across the country have been apprehended, according to police.

These vigilantes allegedly have quite the list of hits under their belts. And yes, they have been branded by the media as “self-styled.” This pair pled guilty to one of the crimes attributed to them–this one on federal land–just last week.

Yes, authorities say they have caught the dreaded Typo Vigilantes, who roam the country, correcting grammer grammar and spelling on signs. Bad English (which is probably already a band name) can peek its worried head out the door and stroll the streets freely once more.

How To: Develop a conspiracy theory

Did you know that there was/maybe still is a fully-functional Michael Jordan robot? Of course you didn’t, because The Man® doesn’t want you to know The TruthTM!

(Don’t believe them when They say you can’t handle it.)

We can all enjoy a good conspiracy theory like the one I just mentioned, but how do you create and hone your own? And what do you do about all those naysayers and CIA agents that try to discredit you?

To answer these questions and more, keep reading to find out how to develop a conspiracy theory. Continue reading How To: Develop a conspiracy theory

Chavez officially booted from message boards

Just like Hitler, German Chancellor Merkel also enjoys writing in her spare time, parades, and getting kissies from western leaders.Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez, is renowned for his trolling. He frequently calls U.S. President Bush “the devil” and also spams Internet message boards with excerpts from Marx and “RON PAUL IN 2008!”

Yesterday, however, he crossed a line: in his counterargument against German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who urged Latin America to give Chavez a geopolitical “time-out,” Chavez compared her to Hitler.

  • They’re both German.
  • Hitler was once a Chancellor.
  • They were both political leaders in Germany.
  • Merkel loves dogs, too.
  • Merkel enjoys Raiders of the Lost Ark, but always “falls asleep” before the end where the Nazis’ faces melt.  (Spoiler alert!)

In response to these latest claims, his memberships to Total Fark, DeviantArt and Salon have been suspended for First Degree Godwinning. To get his screennames reinstated, Chavez will have to renew his IP address and create new Gmail accounts–a very stiff penalty indeed.