Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?
Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.
Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.
From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading →
For the past two weeks, Pokemon Go has been taking over the world. Players of all ages have been geeking out over the game. They have been invading social media with their constant posts about their finds, and invading private property and restricted access areas like military bases, prisons and hallowed graveyards. They got upset when people made fun of them, or complained they didn’t care about their posts. Folks, I’ll make you a deal: I won’t post about my imaginary football team this fall if you stop posting about make-believe animals you find with your smartphone. If you were busy copying off of someone else this week, odds are you missed it.
Fear and loathing in Cleveland
This week, the Republican National Convention was held in Cleveland — as if that city hasn’t seen enough hardship. The event had everything: a voting controversy, an ethics controversy, Rudy “I Was Mayor on 9/11” Giuliani yelling like he was at Wrestlemania, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, funny hats, chants about imprisoning opponents and Donald Trump yelling a speech about how everything is terrible but he will fix it. All the hard work Leni Riefenstahl put into the event really came though.
Kanye vs. Swift III
Taylor Swift found herself in the middle of a new controversy after Kim Kardashian posted video of Kanye West getting an OK on lyrics for his new song from Swift over the phone. She had previously denied she knew anything about her mention in the song. And because it’s a scandal, it’s only a matter of time until Hillary Clinton is involved somehow.
Something wacky in the water
Authorities in a small Colorado town warned residents to bathe or drink tap water this week after THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, was found in one of the town’s wells this week. To which the locals replied, “Dude, no drinking water? How are we supposed to get rid of this cotton mouth?”
So they’re working on a Zoolander 2. I guess that’s not a terrible thing, but I don’t get the excitement around it. Admittedly, I wasn’t a huge fan of the first one, “really dumb lead character does really dumb things” movies have never really done it for me, and I know I’m in the minority. What I don’t get isn’t the appeal of the first movie, it’s the appeal of a sequel coming out 15 years after the first. Fifteen! The movie is so old that we were watching TV ads for it before 9/11. Stop and think about how long ago that was. I hate to see something like this happen, because it’s a sure sign Ben Stiller is out of ideas. If you were busy quitting your new fashion humor show this week, odds are you missed it.
Left to chants
This week, a chapter of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity at the University in Oklahoma got in trouble when a video of the group’s brothers doing a racist chant surfaced. The school kicked the frat out, and expelled at least two students in the video. But don’t worry, they were offered jobs with the Ferguson Police Department.
Giuliani hasn’t been keeping up with headlines lately
Former New York City Mayor and Guy Who’s Totally Not Running for President Rudy Giuliani has some advice for President Barack Obama. He said Obama should, and this is true, be more like Bill Cosby. You can find this insight and more in Giuliani’s new book, Date Rape Diplomacy.
Scientists still trying to figure out what they’re lacking
A new study has found that people look for someone they can have fun with when they are selecting a partner for a relationship. There you have it, if you’re alone, it’s because everyone thinks you’re no fun to be around.
Terrorists attacked three important U.S. landmarks with hijacked commercial aircraft: the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and Pennsylvania grassland on September 11, 2001 under President George W. Bush and New York City Mayor, Rudolph Giuliani.
Shortly thereafter, anthrax was found in the mail, addressed to the Toms Daschle and Brokaw. This was also called by then-President Bush a terrorist attack.
And in December of that same year, Richard Reid tried to bomb American Airlines Flight 63 with his shoes. He was found guilty of eight counts of terrorism-related charges and declared himself an agent of al-Qaeda in 2003. Bush was reelected to the presidency in 2004 and served an additional four years.
So, try to remember this time. We would’ve used the “Too Soon?” tag, but–based on your memory–apparently it isn’t.