Runner’s runs defiling neighborhood

After multiple mid-run runs, it might be time to invest in brown shorts.

Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.

Multiple eyewitnesses in a Colorado Springs neighborhood have caught an unidentified runner mid-trots (in both meanings) on their front yards, back yards and even on a Walgreen’s. The runner has used the same lawn multiple times and even comes equipped with napkins to wipe afterwards.

So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.

The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).

Deer prove they are superior runners

Deer hate us, which is why they throw themselves in front of our cars on dark nights. But it turns out they just hate us moving in general.

A herd of deer charged at a college cross country race in in Pennsylvania last weekend. Justin DeLuzio was solidly in the middle of the pack during the footrace, when a dozen or so deer crossed the group’s path. One deer ran into DeLuzio, knocking him head over heels. Bruised, but not broken, he got up and kept running.

The deer remain at large.

Runner’s high like smoking weed, science says

It turns out, stoners and runners have more in common than they think, according to a new study.

It’s well documented that runners are usually drinkers. That’s why so many running events involve beer. But it turns out that runners don’t just like getting drunk, they get high, too. The runner’s high isn’t just about feeling superior to everyone else, it triggers cannabinoid receptors in your brain, which can also be stimulated by marijuana, researchers at Oxford found.

Dude, just think about how high you could get if you smoked pot while you ran.

The McBournie Minute: How not to suck at beer, running

I run. There, I said it. I don’t marathons or anything, and I try not to brag about my accomplishments. Let’s face it, we’ve all seen one of those “26.2” stickers on a car and given serious thought to plowing into the back of them. I don’t even close to that far on my best day, so I figure I should just keep it to myself.

I was amazed when I first started at how strong a connection there is between the world of beer and running. For example, there’s a thing called the beer mile. A lot of people out there who are otherwise active and healthy people really seem to enjoy getting plastered at the end of a race. Runners will say that they are really into beer because it’s got all the nutrients you need after a long run, but really, it’s because they spend so much on beer that running is the only sport they can afford. I have run in a race almost entirely because there was free beer at the end of it. It was my first race ever.

But there’s more of a connection between beer and running than just working hard and playing hard, they also both encourage judging hard. Here’s how to not do that. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: How not to suck at beer, running

Take it from Snee: Warm weather workouts

Not counting pale overweight white guys who run outside in shorts year round.
Not counting pale overweight white guys who run outside in shorts year round.

Temperatures dipped above 32 degrees (that’s Fahrenheit to our Unamerican readers) in the DC/Northern Virginia region, which meant white people, including yours truly, out in shorts.

After the holidays and what turned out to be a longer winter than expected, our newly exposed thighs made two things readily apparent: we are all

  1. very pale and
  2. out of shape

Coupled with the with the next logical realization — that it will soon be summer and your bathing suit might doesn’t fit anymore — and we’ve entered the season of Re-Resolutioning. (Resolved this time for real.)

Those two weeks at the gym in January were only the preamble to the new fit you. Besides, who wants to work out inside, right? We belong outside like our ripped, primitive forebears!

So, you may be suddenly tempted to do one of the following:  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Warm weather workouts

Running for two

Long-distance runners are crazy. They readily admit this. They keep moving for hours on end and deny themselves the best tasting foods to improve their times. They don’t seem to mind when their toenails fall off and their feet are mostly blisters. (They’re also not into footies.)

But a Minnesota woman training for a half marathon went well beyond this. After a training session, she had some back pain, but decided it would go away. She went to the doctor when it didn’t. Turns out she was in labor and had no idea she was pregnant. She, her husband and three kids welcomes a baby girl this week.

That kid is going to have a serious fear of bouncing.

Don’t run from the bears

Hikers provide the fiber mating bears and wolves don't often get through their native diet thanks to beards, fedoras, backpacks and walking sticks.
Hikers provide the fiber mating bears and wolves don’t often get through their native diet thanks to beards, fedoras, backpacks and walking sticks.

If you’ve ever done it by an open window, then you know that nothing kills the mood quite like joggers. That’s why three wildlife refuges in Oregon have erected “no jogging” signs: to keep the animals porking.

Although running has been banned for some time now in the parks, the signs will make everyone aware of the existing rule. Other banned activities that distract animals and hinder the procreative process are riding bicycles and horses and bringing pets. (So, that’s no running, horseplay or outside food — just like at the pool.)

Hiking, however, is still OK because it’s slower and, therefore, less stressful to animals. Slow-moving hikers are also a convenient for pre-, mid- and post-coital snacking.

Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

As this Web site reported on Tuesday, the obesity epidemic in this country now affects our national security.  One-quarter of all 17-24 year-olds exceed recruitment weight limits. And what’s the big deal about one-fourth? An additional half are in ineligible because they dropped out of high school, have criminal records or have non-Big Mac-related medical issues.

That’s three-quarters of our Selective Service. If we suddenly needed a draft to fight off human waves of Canadians, we’d be forced to sew uniforms together, widen trigger holes, and hollow out tanks to equip our nation of fatasses–so long as they don’t have to run anywhere.

At least, that sounds like it would be a problem until you consider that, while recruits are turned away for being too overweight, active duty soldiers are being discharged for the same reason. Our military is fat! In order to support our troops, they’ll need those Rascal scooters to get to combat zones!

But, is this really a problem? Are our young warriors really Too Fat to Fight? Continue reading Take it from Snee: Your army’s so fat

The world as ‘Scooby Doo’

Caster Semenya won the gold on Wednesday in the 800-meter race at the world championship in Berlin, Germany. The South African received her medal … and an official request for a gender test.

Yes, in the same sense that the world believes only an underage Chinese gymnast could win the Olympics or a muslim Kenyan could win the presidency, we now believe that only a South African male could possibly defeat our lady runners.

Look, we can’t yank every face off, hoping it was Old Man Jenkins the whole time and–therefore–doesn’t count. Sometimes we’re gonna lose.

Run for your life!

OK, so you finally lost some weight, bringing you below the obese line. Perhaps you’re even barely above to overweight line. Time to relax and maintain, right?

WRONG, say doctors who wrote a new article in Circulation (clever, no?). If you’re a couple of pounds overweight, you still have a 180 percent increased risk of a heart attack over lean people. And, as Dr. Satish Kenchaiah, lead writer of the report, says, “The more you exercise, the more reduction [of the risk of heart disease] you have.”

So, what are you sitting around reading this for? Run! Run, you maggot! And don’t you dare stop running until you have a 0 percent chance of heart attack!