What’s the world coming to?

B-b-but there's a cross on his bathrobe. War on Christmas!You know, we can only guess where we’re headed in this handbasket when an old Southern man is accused of racism simply because he:

1) Refuses to marry interracial couples.

2) Does so because he worries about mixed-race children.

3) According to the phone call, seems mostly concerned about black-and-white interracial marriages.

4) Believes that, if “you really and truly feel down in your heart,” this isn’t wrong.

Is that all? That’s all the evidence you have?

What? This Justice of the Peace actively violated the 1967 U.S. Supreme Court decision that “the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State?”

That’s it?

Gosh, folks. What’s next? Will other people be accused of racism simply because they think a quarterback is overrated because he’s black, implying that there has never been a good black quarterback in the history of the NFL?

You Missed It: Out come the idiots edition

It’s Friday, and it’s June. It is June, right? OK, good. I am still recovering from a wild weekend. I know, five days is a long time to recover, but man, it was a good time. If you were busy checking out of the hospital after being treated for exhaustion, odds are you missed it.

Now if we can just link this to Bush
Air France Flight 447 crashed into the Atlantic Ocean on its way to Paris from Rio. Everyone died. No wreckage has been found. Actually, only an oil slick has been discovered at this point. The cause of the crash may never actually be known. In other news, 9/11 conspiracy theorists have a new hobby ahead of them.

See! He really is one of them!
Addressing fellow Muslims in Cairo, Egypt this week, President Barack Obama quoted both the Koran and the Bible, while he said it was time for the U.S. and the Islamic world to mend the fences. He also said it was time for Israel to stop settling on the West Bank. This upset Israelis, because difference between the East Bank and the West Bank is like that of West and East Hampton.

Even the mustache is smiling
Randy Johnson got his 300th career win, but that’s really not anything special, because it was against the Washington Nationals, who do not technically play baseball according to modern definitions. But still, the Big Unit got to the 300 mark, making him likely the last person to reach that milestone. He also leads the league in lifetime struck birds.

Bonus!
Sean Hannity interviewed Rush Limbaugh on is FOX News show this week. No one asked questions, they just agreed that they are right about everything.

You Missed It: Kiss my white ass edition

It’s March! That means we must be close to spring or something. The good news is that it just sounds better to say, it’s March. It sounds like things are much better than dark, dreary February. Some of you may be excited purely because March means March Madness. Well, don’t look for any college basketball coverage here. We tend to stick to the binge drinking that March is also known for. If you were busy playing in a meaningless international baseball tournament this week, odds are you missed it.

Off to a great start changing the face of the GOP
The newly-crowned RNC Chairman Michael Steele caused some controversy when he called AM radio pundit Rush Limbaugh an “entertainer” who is known to say inflammatory things. Limbaugh of course took exception to this, and did so on his radio show, which is also televised, for the entertainment of his fans and their “mega dittos.” Steele apologized this week. Limbaugh accepted, and then went back to making inflammatory statements like how he hopes the president fails.

But why does the funny guy get whacked?
Watchmen was released in theaters, amid much hype and fanfare. The movie, based on a famous really long comic book graphic novel, has been heavily anticipated since last summer or something. Rick and Chugs held hands in the movie theater together, but did not stick around afterward, claiming they had to clean up a bit. The film opened up to mixed reviews, ranging from “It was just like the book” to “Good god was that long!”

Jacko is still whacko but he’s backo
Michael Jackson announced that he would be performing 10 final shows this summer in London. The shows are expected to sell out what he calls his “I Need This To Pay My Court Fines” tour. He said he chose London for his venue because he is really looking forward to visiting Hogwarts. (What? You expected something non-child related in a Jackson story?)

Sorry, GOP

The Guys would like to apologize to the GOP for our recent vacation for Christmas. (Except Schools, who is a practicing Zoroastrian.) We didn’t know that our five days away from the Internet (two of which were our normal weekend) would leave you so desperate for comedy.

Indeed, Chip Saltzman thought he would bring the Republican party some yucks — and boost his own bid for party president —  with a CD collection of lame political song parodies called We Hate the USA.

Good News: The party didn’t wedgie him for the lamest form of political comedy since your mom discovered spam email.

Bad News: The party was forced to issue apologies en masse for the type of joke they normally let Rush Limbaugh tell for them while remaining an “independent.”

The offending song that made Republicans choke on their brandy and cigars? “Barack the Magic Negro,” a sendup of President-elect Obama’s electable qualities to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

So, once again, we apologize, GOP for leaving you high and dry. We can’t promise to not go away on vacation again, but you could just browse our archives.